the year of the yellow dog has begun. i thought i was on the right path, but once again, mistakes were made. quite brutally.
i don't know is there a point to go in details. i'm just sick and tired of cleaning up mess. cleaning the kitchen morning after with a gag reflex. yelling at neighbors, even though clearly we were in wrong. looking at the bank account, that was fine before. hearing confessions, that should have happened years ago. almost loosing everything, that actually matters right now and right here. fighting negative thoughts, that come along. envy all the lives, that are together. this could be me, this could be my life. and if this isn't enough, lets take my mind into pieces, shatter it around and try to glue it back together. in conclusion, there is nothing new, there is nothing to rediscover, everything has been and it disgusts me. i lost my father to this for fuck sake. literally and almost 20 years of our lives.
if my last post wasn't wake up call, then this sure is. i am officially done. i'm done sugarcoating shit. i'm done pretending that destruction is fun. i wanted to become more spiritual, well, there is no spirit in destroying growth. all this is evil and wants us to withdraw from life. so no, i refuse.
i guess what i'm saying here, i thought mediocre is answer, but it isn't. there will always be peer pressure. maybe i am the peer pressure. someone has to be stone cold.
also its almost funny. for two weeks you have walked the line, being proud of yourself, getting your thoughts under control, seeing opportunities, to just fuck it up in a split of a second. that's how screwed up this all is.
but on the positive note, i have been happy for some time. hope has returned, colors are beautiful, existing is not a burden. love is all there is. and its not a delusion, because this i haven't blurred. i have kept the image pure and i shall water it, watch it grow into a magnificent flower.
20.2.18
4.2.18
godspeed
for months i have nothing to say and suddenly i have a lot.
i have noticed few things. i have been in pattern, i either feel utter shit or amazing, it goes down with a drink. i feel distressed or i feel bored, in the end of the day, it ends similar way. i never bothered to put my finger on it, i just knew i loved it and hated it equally. loved it while i was doing it and hated it, well, sometimes midway through, sometimes the next few days. obviously i have never considered it a problem, because it hasn't grown into one. i get things done, done good, not half-arsed. once in a while i think of myself as a warrior, after days of destruction, i tell myself, i can do this, i will survive...if i get through this day, i'm a goddamn hero.
and stop.
i'll stop myself right there. why the fuck, i need to survive? or suffer even? i have all my life hated deeply the main principle of christianity, that life is a suffering. my flagship has always been love of wisdom. and yet again i do against my own word. wasn't i becoming a buddha?
well in a way better late bloomer than never stumble upon your own truth.
on friday i had one of those crossroad moments. i felt nervous and same time excited, as any other person would feel before a date. something inside of me forced me to step up and deal with it. after being offered a glass of wine multiple times, to get my cool back, i suddenly saw, what that is all about. its not getting anything back, its basically denying yourself, being someone else. being different. why would i want to be different, if someone goes out with me. i pulled myself together, refused and walked the road. the path was clearer than expected. somewhere in between i slipped, not because of need, more out of a habit. it took quite little time to understand, how wrong i have been all my life with blurring the reality. and with that, simply not living in present. i want to sense you, feel you, taste you, smell you, not have a faint memory of the night. i need to remember your expressions, tone of your voice, remember the details, not possess them as i thought they were.
the next day passed under the same moon and so did the following.
and now when weekend has passed, some of us doing it their way, some of us doing it the other way. i see myself in them, yet i am out of the pattern. tomorrow i will be young and beautiful, fresh prince of the first day of the rest of my life.
i won't become backwards, join a cult or build a box around me. absolutely not. i just figured i am by now old enough to take responsibility of my own feelings. some things are not meant to be run from.
see, i had a notion of this year being life changing. i am already impressed.
thank you universe, that was very nice of you.
i have noticed few things. i have been in pattern, i either feel utter shit or amazing, it goes down with a drink. i feel distressed or i feel bored, in the end of the day, it ends similar way. i never bothered to put my finger on it, i just knew i loved it and hated it equally. loved it while i was doing it and hated it, well, sometimes midway through, sometimes the next few days. obviously i have never considered it a problem, because it hasn't grown into one. i get things done, done good, not half-arsed. once in a while i think of myself as a warrior, after days of destruction, i tell myself, i can do this, i will survive...if i get through this day, i'm a goddamn hero.
and stop.
i'll stop myself right there. why the fuck, i need to survive? or suffer even? i have all my life hated deeply the main principle of christianity, that life is a suffering. my flagship has always been love of wisdom. and yet again i do against my own word. wasn't i becoming a buddha?
well in a way better late bloomer than never stumble upon your own truth.
on friday i had one of those crossroad moments. i felt nervous and same time excited, as any other person would feel before a date. something inside of me forced me to step up and deal with it. after being offered a glass of wine multiple times, to get my cool back, i suddenly saw, what that is all about. its not getting anything back, its basically denying yourself, being someone else. being different. why would i want to be different, if someone goes out with me. i pulled myself together, refused and walked the road. the path was clearer than expected. somewhere in between i slipped, not because of need, more out of a habit. it took quite little time to understand, how wrong i have been all my life with blurring the reality. and with that, simply not living in present. i want to sense you, feel you, taste you, smell you, not have a faint memory of the night. i need to remember your expressions, tone of your voice, remember the details, not possess them as i thought they were.
the next day passed under the same moon and so did the following.
and now when weekend has passed, some of us doing it their way, some of us doing it the other way. i see myself in them, yet i am out of the pattern. tomorrow i will be young and beautiful, fresh prince of the first day of the rest of my life.
i won't become backwards, join a cult or build a box around me. absolutely not. i just figured i am by now old enough to take responsibility of my own feelings. some things are not meant to be run from.
see, i had a notion of this year being life changing. i am already impressed.
thank you universe, that was very nice of you.
2.2.18
31.1.18
those winter nights
i figured, i'm going to do something i haven't really done in a long time and which i thoroughly enjoy. sit in my kitchen in the middle of the night, smoke a cigarette and talk about bunch of crap, that no one ever reads or cares about. what a bliss and i don't even know what number kitchen is this so far.
this time i won't be all whiny about shit that could have been or was or will come. i have made peace with this kind of stuff.
where to start. my frustration with life lead me to a new job, new apartment, new everything. the moving away from empty promises and illusions itself was quite hard, because even the blast from the past turned out different than i sort of imagined. so yes, new everything. some time in december i settled in the center of the city. end of the month flew all the way across the world to get my zen back. past and the present finally met and clashed nevertheless. obviously conflict was expected. for a split second i thought, 'is this what i want?' and moved on to the the realization, that no, i have gone elsewhere in my journey. i stubbornly wanted to believe, that past needed to be future.
i forced myself to be india, to become india, not just sit on the beach and sip cocktails. i read one book, then another, sneak peeked into buddhism, tipped my toe into conversations with god. attachment is the thing that has fucked my brain here and there nonstop. not being in the present moment, which is the only reality there is, has made me anxious. basically what would love do. love would move on. so i did. i decided not to feel those irrelevant feelings and emotions. what is, simply is. the second i got that through my brain, life seemed easier.
and surprisingly, not surprisingly, it wasn't even a week after i landed back to the crisp winter, when magically a door opened. door to a different kind of world. i will not parade, i will not build air castles. i'm just having a tiny giggle inside, because finally something i like has crossed my path. actually like, because of similarities, not all the wrong reasons.
maybe that's why, i have no wrong reasons anymore. i feel right.
this time i won't be all whiny about shit that could have been or was or will come. i have made peace with this kind of stuff.
where to start. my frustration with life lead me to a new job, new apartment, new everything. the moving away from empty promises and illusions itself was quite hard, because even the blast from the past turned out different than i sort of imagined. so yes, new everything. some time in december i settled in the center of the city. end of the month flew all the way across the world to get my zen back. past and the present finally met and clashed nevertheless. obviously conflict was expected. for a split second i thought, 'is this what i want?' and moved on to the the realization, that no, i have gone elsewhere in my journey. i stubbornly wanted to believe, that past needed to be future.
i forced myself to be india, to become india, not just sit on the beach and sip cocktails. i read one book, then another, sneak peeked into buddhism, tipped my toe into conversations with god. attachment is the thing that has fucked my brain here and there nonstop. not being in the present moment, which is the only reality there is, has made me anxious. basically what would love do. love would move on. so i did. i decided not to feel those irrelevant feelings and emotions. what is, simply is. the second i got that through my brain, life seemed easier.
and surprisingly, not surprisingly, it wasn't even a week after i landed back to the crisp winter, when magically a door opened. door to a different kind of world. i will not parade, i will not build air castles. i'm just having a tiny giggle inside, because finally something i like has crossed my path. actually like, because of similarities, not all the wrong reasons.
maybe that's why, i have no wrong reasons anymore. i feel right.
30.10.17
ties
as funny as it is, you apparently cannot live a different life you're supposed to live. it takes just one big fucking painful exhausting circle, to find yourself back in the same point, where you started off. its something like being lost in the woods and not finding way out, meeting the same spots again and again, having this nagging feeling, hey, i have most certainly been here before.
so, that happened. it wasn't that much of a Mandela or dimensional. it was very much human behaviorism. in the nastiest way there is clearly, full off text book cliches. imagine investing your time, energy, all your resources, to make some shit work and yet it doesn't, because it's based on lies, secrets, neglect, oblivion. i mean, yes, it makes you feel like dumped in the bottom a basement, when you find out that you have been cheated on and lied; all of you, all your beautiful self, meant nothing in the end of the day. yet its liberating. you know your gut feeling was right and you're worth so much more. you are beautiful and you are amazing creature, because you did absolutely nothing wrong. you sacrificed and made compromises. your conscious is clean, you're pure as an infant. that's how you can move on back to the beginning of the circle, with no negative feelings, because you gave nothing away to the dark side, there is no need to recover, because all you did, was give and care. you were the one, who was never appreciated.
this could have been hit of my own karma, for all the things i did in the past. but all i know, that this probably was the last of it. i have done nothing immoral, not even questionable decisions for the past two years. i wonder what future has in store for you?
i wish no harm, even questionable hateful thoughts aren't my thing anymore. i have grown to the person i wanted to be, i make my choices based solidly on what i believe in. and i sincerely do believe in happy ends and things will be, what they're meant to be.
the only thing i have lied about is, how i feel. then again, everybody has the right to have that place in them, to sometimes take out in lonely nights and admire it. what is yours, only yours.
i will never forget the summer eve, when sun was in the glitters. the moment that was forever. when you recognize all you have ever wanted.
and you know what, i don't need to. everything just takes off, where it was left behind. maybe this time only wiser and more grateful.
so, that happened. it wasn't that much of a Mandela or dimensional. it was very much human behaviorism. in the nastiest way there is clearly, full off text book cliches. imagine investing your time, energy, all your resources, to make some shit work and yet it doesn't, because it's based on lies, secrets, neglect, oblivion. i mean, yes, it makes you feel like dumped in the bottom a basement, when you find out that you have been cheated on and lied; all of you, all your beautiful self, meant nothing in the end of the day. yet its liberating. you know your gut feeling was right and you're worth so much more. you are beautiful and you are amazing creature, because you did absolutely nothing wrong. you sacrificed and made compromises. your conscious is clean, you're pure as an infant. that's how you can move on back to the beginning of the circle, with no negative feelings, because you gave nothing away to the dark side, there is no need to recover, because all you did, was give and care. you were the one, who was never appreciated.
this could have been hit of my own karma, for all the things i did in the past. but all i know, that this probably was the last of it. i have done nothing immoral, not even questionable decisions for the past two years. i wonder what future has in store for you?
i wish no harm, even questionable hateful thoughts aren't my thing anymore. i have grown to the person i wanted to be, i make my choices based solidly on what i believe in. and i sincerely do believe in happy ends and things will be, what they're meant to be.
the only thing i have lied about is, how i feel. then again, everybody has the right to have that place in them, to sometimes take out in lonely nights and admire it. what is yours, only yours.
i will never forget the summer eve, when sun was in the glitters. the moment that was forever. when you recognize all you have ever wanted.
and you know what, i don't need to. everything just takes off, where it was left behind. maybe this time only wiser and more grateful.
30.9.17
28.7.17
mandela friday
last night i had millions of thoughts i wanted to write down. now they seem trivial. not sure, if even real. the point was something as typical and existential as it usually is. some crap about universe shifting last year spring and how it changed my life from one dimension to an other. well, it really did and i stick to that. did it change to desired direction..maybe. we are not the ones to judge. but it eats me inside. every day and still, was it a choice? i mean considering we live in a simulation, do we even have a choice or are we simply played.
that's not what i wanted to write about at all.
i sort of meant, i have become really really numb. comfortably numb. i don't literally have any dreams or motivation or ambition. and yet i'm not depressed or down. i'm just aimless. in a way life has never been better. i live in this idyllic neighborhood, where grandmas come patting your dog, yes there is a dog, strangers smiling while passing. probably you can even leave your car unlocked and windows open, when you leave. that cliche suburb shit. also i have reached from a child through a struggle to growth to struggle again to conveniently semi child again. meaning i have exactly zero bills on me. i have not a single fucking worry in my life financially.
why, then why, am i comfortably numb. what ruined me? was it the dimension shifting, is it because it was so obvious and glittery and sparkling like predator tearing an unicorn into pieces. visually painful and unforgettable. some part of me never lets go the dimension i was supposed to live in. or any part, what so ever.
or was it few months later, when i had the most revealing and naked journey of my existence. every memory, every picture was torn. dissembled. misplaced. its too long and too personal to try to verbalize it. paint a picture, name it creation of everything. virtually, everything.
but as we know, as you question everything, it becomes nothing. or something. which is which.
basically i have had inner battle of this for some time now. it quite differs from all the conflicts i've had earlier. fundamentally speaking, i stick to the time irrelevance theory and parallel universes and infinity. but. concept of me, it changed. i'm no more center, i'm...i don't know anymore. just a digital code perhaps.
i don't know are living the lives that we are supposed to. if we aren't, what was our actual destination. there is so much talk about mandela effect lately. so i can't be clearly only one thinking this. obviously not. the most common examples, even i remember.
well, nothing we can ever do about it. just the stupid feeling, that i want my life back. this one is different and uncomfortable, i don't know who i am anymore. time will make adjustments. just, i miss me sometimes.
that's not what i wanted to write about at all.
i sort of meant, i have become really really numb. comfortably numb. i don't literally have any dreams or motivation or ambition. and yet i'm not depressed or down. i'm just aimless. in a way life has never been better. i live in this idyllic neighborhood, where grandmas come patting your dog, yes there is a dog, strangers smiling while passing. probably you can even leave your car unlocked and windows open, when you leave. that cliche suburb shit. also i have reached from a child through a struggle to growth to struggle again to conveniently semi child again. meaning i have exactly zero bills on me. i have not a single fucking worry in my life financially.
why, then why, am i comfortably numb. what ruined me? was it the dimension shifting, is it because it was so obvious and glittery and sparkling like predator tearing an unicorn into pieces. visually painful and unforgettable. some part of me never lets go the dimension i was supposed to live in. or any part, what so ever.
or was it few months later, when i had the most revealing and naked journey of my existence. every memory, every picture was torn. dissembled. misplaced. its too long and too personal to try to verbalize it. paint a picture, name it creation of everything. virtually, everything.
but as we know, as you question everything, it becomes nothing. or something. which is which.
basically i have had inner battle of this for some time now. it quite differs from all the conflicts i've had earlier. fundamentally speaking, i stick to the time irrelevance theory and parallel universes and infinity. but. concept of me, it changed. i'm no more center, i'm...i don't know anymore. just a digital code perhaps.
i don't know are living the lives that we are supposed to. if we aren't, what was our actual destination. there is so much talk about mandela effect lately. so i can't be clearly only one thinking this. obviously not. the most common examples, even i remember.
well, nothing we can ever do about it. just the stupid feeling, that i want my life back. this one is different and uncomfortable, i don't know who i am anymore. time will make adjustments. just, i miss me sometimes.
10.7.16
15.6.16
8.6.16
and now i got it. i understand the sensation of shifting. the last piece of puzzle fell in its place.
earlier i had the urge to share all that was happening in my life to the ones left behind, i lost it. i have lost track even, when it stopped. all the strings attaching are either cut or changed. i show what i want to be shown on the display. i am part of this picture. i'm simply not there anymore, i'm here. i'm home.
earlier i had the urge to share all that was happening in my life to the ones left behind, i lost it. i have lost track even, when it stopped. all the strings attaching are either cut or changed. i show what i want to be shown on the display. i am part of this picture. i'm simply not there anymore, i'm here. i'm home.
6.6.16
as life gives those moments of serenity and purity, it also gives a glimpse to the most revolting kinds of traits human kind possesses. few days back i saw the true colors of one of the tar drops in the honey pot. i won't explain the actual act that happened, nor the emotions it made me go through. i'm just pointing out, that i can literally overcome anything - death, abuse, violence, abandonment, betrayal. nothing breaks my spirit, how hard any piece of trash tries. i should have of course trusted my gut feeling. if the stupidity overpowers common sense, it's not my war to fight. i have learned that ages ago, once again i proved myself right. on the other hand, was it supposed to happen, to notice that i have surrounded myself with pure angels, that will go through fire, to protect what's right. i have chosen the right people, i have put trust in right place and entrust them to take actions against the crime. not only crime against me, but all the others who have forced to be victims. i believe in the power of words and spreading the truth.
karma will come your way, you son of a bitch.
the moment you redneck white trash realize, that everybody knows, what you have done. you have no place to hide, you can never look in the eyes of the people we know. you're pathetic. you're a monster, worse than an animal. everybody is judging. some might take actions. but that's already out of my hands, i let them decide.
imagine, i used to be afraid of invisible enemies in the dark. the worst kind is always near, lurking behind you, pretending to be something else. wearing a mask of a friend. you're going to loose much more, than you ever imagined. was it worth it. were these meaningless minutes worth lifetime of shame. small minds don't do great deeds, do they? learn it the hard way then. scum.
karma will come your way, you son of a bitch.
the moment you redneck white trash realize, that everybody knows, what you have done. you have no place to hide, you can never look in the eyes of the people we know. you're pathetic. you're a monster, worse than an animal. everybody is judging. some might take actions. but that's already out of my hands, i let them decide.
imagine, i used to be afraid of invisible enemies in the dark. the worst kind is always near, lurking behind you, pretending to be something else. wearing a mask of a friend. you're going to loose much more, than you ever imagined. was it worth it. were these meaningless minutes worth lifetime of shame. small minds don't do great deeds, do they? learn it the hard way then. scum.
1.6.16
some strange sensations have caught my attention. it started few days back, when i felt somehow neglected, not in general, but specifically. i was blaming the universe, the circumstances, on some levels myself. though to look back, it isn't my choice, thus none of my business really. so, when the gloom took over on one of those gorgeous summer nights, when sun never goes down, people started showing up on internet. saying things, that came out of nowhere seemingly. something altered. i sensed railroad tracks shifting and changing the course of a train. fascinating really, split second later, i stopped caring the oblivious moment i lingered in.
the very next night everything already had rearranged its position. i knew the roads to nowhere again. unknown places were where they supposed to stand. smelling lilacs in the sunrise was the most natural, sitting on rooftop left no fear. a new day was in two hours, but that didn't affect me.
with no sleep at all, nor the time to actually deal with the destruction of the body, mind lead to theory of everything. this is not romance, this is growth. nothing needs to be anything.
i could step into the theory of existence, but at this point, its not relevant. another day, another dawn.
the very next night everything already had rearranged its position. i knew the roads to nowhere again. unknown places were where they supposed to stand. smelling lilacs in the sunrise was the most natural, sitting on rooftop left no fear. a new day was in two hours, but that didn't affect me.
with no sleep at all, nor the time to actually deal with the destruction of the body, mind lead to theory of everything. this is not romance, this is growth. nothing needs to be anything.
i could step into the theory of existence, but at this point, its not relevant. another day, another dawn.
26.5.16
25.5.16
All work and no play makes jack a dull boy
I remember the time, when we were kids. We had no option to stalk someone, we had no smartphones, we had no facebook. Hell, we blogged on paper if we bothered. All we had was maybe opinion of a friend and hitch-hiking to the unknown hoping for the best. Taking the bus on friday morning on a promise made week before. No tomorrow. No money and it didn't matter. We had no guarantee, yet we had no doubts either. We were young and arrogant, life hadn't fucked us in the face yet. If we lost, we went on. If we got lost, we found a way. It was all improvise not analyze. Untouchable and always moving.
What we have now. Staring at the screen, what to say, when to stay, observing every move, still thinking, if say anything at all, stare the screen, bite nails, occasional cigarette, already accepting the loss surely, staring at the screen, grass was greener....step up your game, be faster, stronger, better, sell your stock. Nobody is buying. The bids are too high. Seen it before, done it before, lets stop doing it overall. Lets not be, not exist.
I'm just saying i'm sick of...everything is out in the open, but everyone is withdrawn from life. I know where everyone was on saturday night, probably what they ate even and tip of the iceberg of two word feelings of good old facebook, but what the hell is the point of this. Does anyone get up their asses anymore to seize the day. Do impulsive shit.
Ah, whocarez...just a random evening at work....uneventful
What we have now. Staring at the screen, what to say, when to stay, observing every move, still thinking, if say anything at all, stare the screen, bite nails, occasional cigarette, already accepting the loss surely, staring at the screen, grass was greener....step up your game, be faster, stronger, better, sell your stock. Nobody is buying. The bids are too high. Seen it before, done it before, lets stop doing it overall. Lets not be, not exist.
I'm just saying i'm sick of...everything is out in the open, but everyone is withdrawn from life. I know where everyone was on saturday night, probably what they ate even and tip of the iceberg of two word feelings of good old facebook, but what the hell is the point of this. Does anyone get up their asses anymore to seize the day. Do impulsive shit.
Ah, whocarez...just a random evening at work....uneventful
24.5.16
day in and day out i've been thinking, what the hell am i doing here. i just picked a random place on the map, packed my shit and took off. for no obvious reason. made believe reasons, for sure. it's funny as hell actually. the life i used to live, it was full of doubts, suffering, questioning everything, feeling hate and regret and all that crap. now i feel nearly nothing at all. on a deeper level. it might sound wrong, to think of. i meant, i'm more like... free of everyday shit. it's like pretend life. which is hundreds times easier, than the life i assumed was living. because change is ridiculously simple. every single day i can just choose differently and it all starts again. thousands of possibilities of scenario. not even a second, i'm stuck anymore. i shook that bollocks off. every single thing besides history can be replaced. and history will always remain history. i don't even understand anymore, why everybody get so stuck with the idea of shit that's gone. the very moment you realize the minutes passing by, it's already done and technically soon to be forgotten.
more i isolate my mind, more i alienate myself, clearer it gets. reality is insignificant and so is everything else. question is, how you want to spend it.
i used to think something is always in the stock and most of the time is stand by for greater things... on the contrary, this is actually IT.
i don't know, what went down. did five movies a day brainwash me, not flushing my brains down the drain with booze every single day, monotony of the routine...did i just grow up and accepted the fate, which is not half that bad, if you let go of the strings....who the hell knows and what does that shit even matter. even idiocracy is irrelevant. guess...i dunno...punk's not dead all of a sudden.
more i isolate my mind, more i alienate myself, clearer it gets. reality is insignificant and so is everything else. question is, how you want to spend it.
i used to think something is always in the stock and most of the time is stand by for greater things... on the contrary, this is actually IT.
i don't know, what went down. did five movies a day brainwash me, not flushing my brains down the drain with booze every single day, monotony of the routine...did i just grow up and accepted the fate, which is not half that bad, if you let go of the strings....who the hell knows and what does that shit even matter. even idiocracy is irrelevant. guess...i dunno...punk's not dead all of a sudden.
19.5.16
so limit pushing. worked 8 days in a row, had a day off, rode 66 kilometers. haven't been drinking basically at all since i embarrassed the shit out of myself on my birthday. okay, couple of days altogether maybe.
i don't feel any better or any worse. fit as fuck, with no effort. at least i have that. paid rent too early as usual, ain't broke even. guess it's all good. though it seems like i'm filling in the slots, but i'm doing it just to appear regular human being. i don't mean any of it. my mind is elsewhere day and night. every single second, i'm in the infinity.
is infinity in my brain real, or is it creation. or a dream. if it wasn't, why it never lets me go anymore.
14.5.16
i've had weirdly crappy mood for two days in a row now. mainly because of being extremely exhausted physically. i've accepted every opportunity and hour of work to numb my mind. not to think. and push my limits.
if i had time to think, i would simply go crazy. i've been dwelling on the edge for a while now.
it is definitely not a bad kind of crazy. it's more like a beautiful collision. but this is not a sprint, this is a long run. between gaps and tiny spikes of joy, i must remain sharp and keep the third eye on the horizon. and that can be arranged just like pushing fifty kilometers on a tiny bike and that's literally for no reason. i have a reason. or aim. or answer. or vision. all of it.
i had exactly five different invites tonight to go out, one or two of them surely booty calls. ironically those kinds of entertainments have been voluntarily off the menu since....since i decided so. five options, when all i wanted was a after work beer, yet none of this was good enough.
so after saying no to myself, i feel proud and fulfilled. i don't need this, if i already know, what i need.
if i had time to think, i would simply go crazy. i've been dwelling on the edge for a while now.
it is definitely not a bad kind of crazy. it's more like a beautiful collision. but this is not a sprint, this is a long run. between gaps and tiny spikes of joy, i must remain sharp and keep the third eye on the horizon. and that can be arranged just like pushing fifty kilometers on a tiny bike and that's literally for no reason. i have a reason. or aim. or answer. or vision. all of it.
i had exactly five different invites tonight to go out, one or two of them surely booty calls. ironically those kinds of entertainments have been voluntarily off the menu since....since i decided so. five options, when all i wanted was a after work beer, yet none of this was good enough.
so after saying no to myself, i feel proud and fulfilled. i don't need this, if i already know, what i need.
3.5.16
which is weird, sest kaks päeva järjest on mul vastupidine tunne olnud. ma tean, et see oli tingitud liiga suurest kogusest alkoholist, aga see häirib, kuidas aju mängib trikke.
mu esimene mõte oli täna hommikul, kas lugeda või kirjutada. ironically, raamat on ka east of eden. seega, i guess, suurt wahet polnudki, kumb läks hetkel. muidugi, et yldse selline valik esile kerkis, näitab vist, et alkohol ja depressioon on werest lahkunud.
sünnipäew oli tegelikult awesome, sest maagilisel kombel ma tulin ikkagi just neile kõigile meelde, kellel ma kunagi meelest ei lähe. tähendagu see siis kesköist mixtape'i saksamaalt, varahommikust videokõne luunjast või raamatut, mida ma pean yheks kahest piiblist... või siis lihtsalt kohale ilmumist. loomulikult need supilontrused, kes on kuulsaks saanud oma ylelaskmistega, tegid seda jälle. and once again they got under my skin. teadsin juba siis, kui see juhtus, et ma ei peaks sellega kaasa minema. midagi oli selles isegi värksendavat, kui saad terve päew iniseda wennale, kui paha ikka köik on. sest seda luksust ma ei saa endale siin väga lubada. juba sellel lihtsal põhjusel, et päriselt on köik hästi. mul on töö, kus mind hinnatakse, vabandage, mul on neid koguni kolm-neli. mul on superb elukoht. ja mis siin salata, ma ei saa tegelikult juba ammu jonnida, et mul ei ole sotsiaalvõrgustikku. vastavalt igale tujule või igale zanrile, i have it covered already. niisiis aju, mis juhtus? nagu ka eelmine aasta, ei tulnud see, kes tulema pidi. tänavu isegi duubelesitluses. kui mõelda, siis neil on isegi piinlikult palju yhist joont.
makes me wonder, is it about people at all then. isn't? it maybe it's just the constant feeling of de javu, that attacks me, when i least expect it. the intense flow of smells, pictures, the feeling - i have been here before and everything happens in the same time and time is not linear. all that crap. all that crap once again. truth to be told, our lives are so insignificant and similar, why to even think it has a reason. everything indeed has already been told and already been seen. same songs have been played thousand of times before i got my hands on them. right. why bother to be bothered. so after ten tequila shots later, i should know, that shit happens as well as it doesn't. suck it up and put another song on, that makes you feel good and maybe, just maybe, lets you relive the hope of better tomorrow. guess the only thing, that actually stops me enjoying the actual moment i'm in, is constant need for something bigger, higher, further. i didn't read thousands and thousands of books throughout my life, to accept in late twenties, that it's all a lie. i mean, it has a beauty in it, if you let your mind go and dream. but somebody some point created dreams. i refuse to believe, that human mind is powerful enough, to just...lie. so here i dwell, i don't know. there was existentialism, there was critical realism. go figure.
okay, nevertheless, statistically i have been more negative than i have been positive. in my own tiny history. the actual times, things were bad, and bad is a mild word, what i have been through, i had more vision, how life should be, than i have now. sounds like crooked mirror. i cannot bitch about anything anymore, yet i bitch about the smallest details, like i'd seriously like to make morning coffee to someone. i miss buying cat food. i miss my turkish soap opera on sunday evenings.
and here i go again....loop.
mu esimene mõte oli täna hommikul, kas lugeda või kirjutada. ironically, raamat on ka east of eden. seega, i guess, suurt wahet polnudki, kumb läks hetkel. muidugi, et yldse selline valik esile kerkis, näitab vist, et alkohol ja depressioon on werest lahkunud.
sünnipäew oli tegelikult awesome, sest maagilisel kombel ma tulin ikkagi just neile kõigile meelde, kellel ma kunagi meelest ei lähe. tähendagu see siis kesköist mixtape'i saksamaalt, varahommikust videokõne luunjast või raamatut, mida ma pean yheks kahest piiblist... või siis lihtsalt kohale ilmumist. loomulikult need supilontrused, kes on kuulsaks saanud oma ylelaskmistega, tegid seda jälle. and once again they got under my skin. teadsin juba siis, kui see juhtus, et ma ei peaks sellega kaasa minema. midagi oli selles isegi värksendavat, kui saad terve päew iniseda wennale, kui paha ikka köik on. sest seda luksust ma ei saa endale siin väga lubada. juba sellel lihtsal põhjusel, et päriselt on köik hästi. mul on töö, kus mind hinnatakse, vabandage, mul on neid koguni kolm-neli. mul on superb elukoht. ja mis siin salata, ma ei saa tegelikult juba ammu jonnida, et mul ei ole sotsiaalvõrgustikku. vastavalt igale tujule või igale zanrile, i have it covered already. niisiis aju, mis juhtus? nagu ka eelmine aasta, ei tulnud see, kes tulema pidi. tänavu isegi duubelesitluses. kui mõelda, siis neil on isegi piinlikult palju yhist joont.
makes me wonder, is it about people at all then. isn't? it maybe it's just the constant feeling of de javu, that attacks me, when i least expect it. the intense flow of smells, pictures, the feeling - i have been here before and everything happens in the same time and time is not linear. all that crap. all that crap once again. truth to be told, our lives are so insignificant and similar, why to even think it has a reason. everything indeed has already been told and already been seen. same songs have been played thousand of times before i got my hands on them. right. why bother to be bothered. so after ten tequila shots later, i should know, that shit happens as well as it doesn't. suck it up and put another song on, that makes you feel good and maybe, just maybe, lets you relive the hope of better tomorrow. guess the only thing, that actually stops me enjoying the actual moment i'm in, is constant need for something bigger, higher, further. i didn't read thousands and thousands of books throughout my life, to accept in late twenties, that it's all a lie. i mean, it has a beauty in it, if you let your mind go and dream. but somebody some point created dreams. i refuse to believe, that human mind is powerful enough, to just...lie. so here i dwell, i don't know. there was existentialism, there was critical realism. go figure.
okay, nevertheless, statistically i have been more negative than i have been positive. in my own tiny history. the actual times, things were bad, and bad is a mild word, what i have been through, i had more vision, how life should be, than i have now. sounds like crooked mirror. i cannot bitch about anything anymore, yet i bitch about the smallest details, like i'd seriously like to make morning coffee to someone. i miss buying cat food. i miss my turkish soap opera on sunday evenings.
and here i go again....loop.
28.4.16
tunnike enne enda vananemist, on õige hetk öelda, et ma olen tänulik kõige eest, mis elus juhtunud on. ja ma andestan kõigile nende noad seljas ja kahvlid teel. sest kõik, absoluutselt kõik on seotud ja mis pidi juhtuma, juhtub. eelkõike ma olen kuradi uhke. uhke enda üle. kui ma mõtlen tagasi aasta tagusele ajale, ma olin nii vihane ja kadunud. nüüd ma olen rohkem tervik, kui kunagi varem. kesiganes sellele positiivselt, või siis ka negatiivselt, kaasa aitasid, aitäh. elu on ilus. ma liigun edasi, ma ei ole enam poriloik. palju õnne sünnipäevaks, kallis mina ^^
23.4.16
aga, mis tunne on, kui mitte midagi ei ole. kui köigil, absoluutselt köigil, läheb midagi edasi. uued inimesed synnivad, uued mälestused tekivad.sinu enda sugulased, kes olid enne osa sinu elust, elavad aastakymneid oma elu....ja sin oled yxi. sul ei ole mitte kedagi enam siin maailmas. sinu liiin, mille yle sa olid uhke,on surnud. köik on surnud. ja sa ise...pole kindel, kas sa elad, sest sinust ei vii midagi edasi.
isegi, kui sa tahaks, keegi, ei tahagi....
ja sa oledki yxi. mix sa viiicid. aga
kord kvartalis..tuleb uuesti usk ja tunne, et köik on uus ja meil on lootust, köik mida uskusin, aastal 65, hea küll, ehk 2005, on tösi.
vöi
ehk peaks leppima
et minust ei tulegi midagi edasi
ma olin algusest peale
see
mis saatus ette nägi
kurbus
ma ju ei pidanudki syndima. korda kuus.
ma olen nii väsinud teesklemax önneliku elu, mida ma kunagi ei saa, ja ma ei ole kunagi nii julge, et .....et ma loobux. ma olen siis igevesti önnetu, sest ...önne ma ei saa
mida kuradit ma pean tegema. ausalt.
ma ei ole ju määratud elama..aga mitte ka surema
...
mul ei ole midagi. köigi elu läheb edasi....ma olen alati siiin.
isegi, kui sa tahaks, keegi, ei tahagi....
ja sa oledki yxi. mix sa viiicid. aga
kord kvartalis..tuleb uuesti usk ja tunne, et köik on uus ja meil on lootust, köik mida uskusin, aastal 65, hea küll, ehk 2005, on tösi.
vöi
ehk peaks leppima
et minust ei tulegi midagi edasi
ma olin algusest peale
see
mis saatus ette nägi
kurbus
ma ju ei pidanudki syndima. korda kuus.
ma olen nii väsinud teesklemax önneliku elu, mida ma kunagi ei saa, ja ma ei ole kunagi nii julge, et .....et ma loobux. ma olen siis igevesti önnetu, sest ...önne ma ei saa
mida kuradit ma pean tegema. ausalt.
ma ei ole ju määratud elama..aga mitte ka surema
...
mul ei ole midagi. köigi elu läheb edasi....ma olen alati siiin.
13.4.16
spring mornings
my brain does wonders. have to go to work at 8, which is rare nowadays. didn't sleep at all, feeling like million dollars for no apparent reason.
this reminds me those gorgeous mornings seven years ago, when i watched the sunrise, while the whole world was asleep. it doesn't make sense, but i do see patterns. patterns that feel thousand miles away from where i stand today.
then there was hope, there was...well everything was ahead actually. before all the shit. before all the failures. back then i took time to look at the sunrise and stopped to listen birds singing. what have i become in between. did i really forget, what was i all about, what was everything all about?
this reminds me those gorgeous mornings seven years ago, when i watched the sunrise, while the whole world was asleep. it doesn't make sense, but i do see patterns. patterns that feel thousand miles away from where i stand today.
then there was hope, there was...well everything was ahead actually. before all the shit. before all the failures. back then i took time to look at the sunrise and stopped to listen birds singing. what have i become in between. did i really forget, what was i all about, what was everything all about?
6.4.16
26.3.16
22.3.16
15.3.16
1.9.15
The retard diaries continues.
I think it's about time to make some conclusions of recent happenings. to go to the very beginning and the very start of the brain damage i have to start with the evening i was hanging out with peepz in the gen bar. it was the usual, stinking like shit cause of three days in the kitchen, tired as fuck and getting down the third (or maybe the fifth) salmiakki...or was it minttu by that time. anyway..i started bitching about flow festival. like it's sad as hell that we cant go. apparently finnish shots changed my mind and the tickets were bought. which is also a fun fact, cause all the tickets were actually sold out like a month before the festival. so we got the ghost tickets.
so the next morning, after three hours of sleep, we went to tallinn. and on the ship. and i already started losing it cause of the language. but it's not even that funny anymore XD so that's that.
so we arrived to helsinki and came to our friends place, who of course lived three minutes from the festival.
okay...and now the adventure time starts. as we have this tradition to always get our friends abroad estonian vodka, we cracked the bottle open like 3 o'clock. after getting politely tipsy, we went to the home bar. got along quite too well with everybody, including the shots. so in one point friend was pissed and went home, so it was festival time for the rest of us. i'm not gonna start how amazing was major lazer and how shit was the festival itself, cause it's not about that. after the concerts we walked to friends place, called her and realized the fun fact, that her number was switched off, we forgot to take the keys and in finland they lock the front doors after 8. we assumed, we're gonna get in somehow and magically didn't even get lost. or so we thought. the gate was closed, we climbed it and started yelling like motherfckerz. she lives on the 6th floor, that didn't help. we banged on windows of the first floor, which was a bit embarrassing cause it was like 1 or 2. one nice lady let us in, he did his finnish magic and we were there. ....and yet we weren't. we were in the wrong building.
the shit started again, climbing the fence, annoying neighbors by yelling. but once again, we got in and we got up and...i think i took us like 2-3 hours to actually get in the apartment.
day two. the most important one. got up, continued with the usual. the bar and the festival - this time with keys of course. our grand plan was to go on years and years as we already knew that all the random bands are shit. got there, got stroke by the lightning....literally. saw the most amazing person on earth. and that hit me so hard by just looking at her once. and i knew this one goddamn concert is going to change my whole life and everything i know. all the time and the reasons were in that one tiny second. the rest is....not for share, who was there, was there. i'll just get the funny episodes down.
after the concert, there wasn't only two of us, we got ourselves a crew to bash the center. obviously the gay bar. which was quite typical scenery. but man, i loved it. one not very pleasant looking lesbian lady accused me spiking her drink. i tried to explain extremely nicely all the reasons why it wouldn't be a possibility, but she was screaming like she was nuts. so told her to go fck herself of course and pointed out the fact that we were hot as fck and she was a crocodile.
after the bar our roads took us separate ways. he went to friends place and we went to her place. only to discover that she had lost her stuff. meaning the phone, the keys. had a slight de javu moment going on. plus the force of alcohol was strong in us. tried to call the lock services, but apparently that's impossible. after at least ten fights over the phone and three hours of freezing on the streets, my friend saved our ass and agreed to let us in. obviously she was right not to let a stranger in, whom i've met on a festival while drunk as hell. but she didn't know what i already knew. so thank you for the trust.
side note. she actally got her stuff back two days later. so that's how finland rolls.
then there was sunday. we knew we had to leave, cause we had work on monday. but then again, i knew i couldn't leave, even if wanted. which i didn't. i knew i love this city and people in it. so we did the opposite that that a normal person would do. after three days of puking and vodka and hangovers we dragged ourselves out, cause i had to see her again. it might sound easy, but we were literally dying. and we didn't get to the festival, cause it was really sold out. so in the spare time we got to know the place by visiting all the bars in the area. and then she came. and we had tequila and the rest is history.
on monday we really did leave. and these two weeks were a struggle. i knew i had to come clear and stop the lies. all of them. every single one i ever had. anyway, that's a different story, which ended more time ago, i realized.
so the next morning, after three hours of sleep, we went to tallinn. and on the ship. and i already started losing it cause of the language. but it's not even that funny anymore XD so that's that.
so we arrived to helsinki and came to our friends place, who of course lived three minutes from the festival.
okay...and now the adventure time starts. as we have this tradition to always get our friends abroad estonian vodka, we cracked the bottle open like 3 o'clock. after getting politely tipsy, we went to the home bar. got along quite too well with everybody, including the shots. so in one point friend was pissed and went home, so it was festival time for the rest of us. i'm not gonna start how amazing was major lazer and how shit was the festival itself, cause it's not about that. after the concerts we walked to friends place, called her and realized the fun fact, that her number was switched off, we forgot to take the keys and in finland they lock the front doors after 8. we assumed, we're gonna get in somehow and magically didn't even get lost. or so we thought. the gate was closed, we climbed it and started yelling like motherfckerz. she lives on the 6th floor, that didn't help. we banged on windows of the first floor, which was a bit embarrassing cause it was like 1 or 2. one nice lady let us in, he did his finnish magic and we were there. ....and yet we weren't. we were in the wrong building.
the shit started again, climbing the fence, annoying neighbors by yelling. but once again, we got in and we got up and...i think i took us like 2-3 hours to actually get in the apartment.
day two. the most important one. got up, continued with the usual. the bar and the festival - this time with keys of course. our grand plan was to go on years and years as we already knew that all the random bands are shit. got there, got stroke by the lightning....literally. saw the most amazing person on earth. and that hit me so hard by just looking at her once. and i knew this one goddamn concert is going to change my whole life and everything i know. all the time and the reasons were in that one tiny second. the rest is....not for share, who was there, was there. i'll just get the funny episodes down.
after the concert, there wasn't only two of us, we got ourselves a crew to bash the center. obviously the gay bar. which was quite typical scenery. but man, i loved it. one not very pleasant looking lesbian lady accused me spiking her drink. i tried to explain extremely nicely all the reasons why it wouldn't be a possibility, but she was screaming like she was nuts. so told her to go fck herself of course and pointed out the fact that we were hot as fck and she was a crocodile.
after the bar our roads took us separate ways. he went to friends place and we went to her place. only to discover that she had lost her stuff. meaning the phone, the keys. had a slight de javu moment going on. plus the force of alcohol was strong in us. tried to call the lock services, but apparently that's impossible. after at least ten fights over the phone and three hours of freezing on the streets, my friend saved our ass and agreed to let us in. obviously she was right not to let a stranger in, whom i've met on a festival while drunk as hell. but she didn't know what i already knew. so thank you for the trust.
side note. she actally got her stuff back two days later. so that's how finland rolls.
then there was sunday. we knew we had to leave, cause we had work on monday. but then again, i knew i couldn't leave, even if wanted. which i didn't. i knew i love this city and people in it. so we did the opposite that that a normal person would do. after three days of puking and vodka and hangovers we dragged ourselves out, cause i had to see her again. it might sound easy, but we were literally dying. and we didn't get to the festival, cause it was really sold out. so in the spare time we got to know the place by visiting all the bars in the area. and then she came. and we had tequila and the rest is history.
on monday we really did leave. and these two weeks were a struggle. i knew i had to come clear and stop the lies. all of them. every single one i ever had. anyway, that's a different story, which ended more time ago, i realized.
on last wednesday we finally met in the middle. hanged out with my friends and did the usual things people do - like have dinners and smoke in a hotel room, empty the mini bar and hang out in strangers luxury apartment with vodka and have a late night date at mcdonalds, drink in parks and almost get into a fight with a muslim on a street. the usual tallinn at its best.
but then arrived friday and we were supposed to leave. and once again it never happened. for me at least. i had a second break up over a text, this time it was my job. so the two scary things weren't actually that scary after all.
we missed the first ship and then almost the second one, by running on the wrong one. the guys who work on the ship asked where are we going, which they never do. that one actually was going to stockholm. so it was one minute too late and we would have ended up in a wrong country.
we arrived to helsinki, bit too tipsy we should have and decided to have a beer in front of her front door. this guy from upstairs came out to hang with a guitar and everything was hilarious. couple of more guys passed by and sat down with us. dudes were singing and it looked like a tiny festival. until i realized the two strangers had disappeared with my bag. not the bag, where i keep my actual stuff, but the other one with dirty clothes in it. had a panic attack and cried a little. didn't know that changing my life would mean being naked in finland.
the next day, wearing all her stuff, i had my first alone day, cause she was at her parents. hanged out with the friend in our home bar, listening to the sounds. felt somewhat like spain. alone day turned into a alone night, cause she missed the last bus. i discovered i'm pretty good with this place, never get lost and always know where i am. plus i've never been that drunk in my life. after few panic attacks still and greatest hangover in history i accepted my fate.
the next day we went out all together. everybody except me got crazy fcked and once again i had to drag at least one home cause two was physically too much to handle. reminding the fact that they live here and i've been here all together like a week, that has been hell of a lot of getting the locals home. which is funny, seriously. then after accidentally splitting up i found my friends phone from the street. its weird as hell how things get lost and reappear in here.
anyway had another alone night. sitting at her place, tripping some years and years and blogging. kallio is home. apparently. who knew.
just to make clear, what's seriously up these days.
24.8.15
Retard diaries
today's retard highlight was forgetting about existence of torrents. good job brain! like cutting off few fingers and ignoring every single person on earth wasn't simply good enough.
i seriously hope i wont drive to narva on wednesday.
18.8.15
28.3.15
standby.....
....mitte midagi ei toimu. kõik on ooterežiimis. finantsglutter löppes, aga see on ka ainus intriig mu peas.
one thing is for sure, see üks öudne etapp hakkab ikkagi otsa saama. enough of the chess. vöi noh, mis male, males on reeglid. aega läks, kuid vähemalt hakkab laekuma, et see pask ei ole minu jaoks. on aeg, uusi uksi avama hakata. meaningful...
yea, anyway. kevad vöiks tulla....
3.2.15
younger
....it's so weird. viimasel ajal on kõik unenäod omanud nii epic essence'i, et ma ei raatsi neist lahkuda. iga kord kui ma poolvägisi luugi lahti venitan, ma mõistan, et see ei olegi uni tegelikult. kõik on pretty much right where it belongs. ma näen unes reaalsust. kanalid on nii lahti, antennid on orbiidil, tundlad kõlguvad tuules...i feeeeeel each and every vibe. mõtted on värvilised and there's pattern in chaos.
it's like building up perfection, milles ei ole midagi juhuslikku. it feels like taking over everest.
i can only imagine the view....
vaatasin eile filme. "spectacular now" & "the fault in our stars"...truly great pieces. haakuvad fantastiliselt mu state of mindiga.
kohe varsti paneme söberiga kaarte. me tegime seda viimati juulis...ma mäletan weel selgelt tulemusi, siiani ei ole midagi teisiti läinud. huvitav, mis tuleb...kui ma näen visioone ilma kaartideta :D
it's like building up perfection, milles ei ole midagi juhuslikku. it feels like taking over everest.
i can only imagine the view....
vaatasin eile filme. "spectacular now" & "the fault in our stars"...truly great pieces. haakuvad fantastiliselt mu state of mindiga.
kohe varsti paneme söberiga kaarte. me tegime seda viimati juulis...ma mäletan weel selgelt tulemusi, siiani ei ole midagi teisiti läinud. huvitav, mis tuleb...kui ma näen visioone ilma kaartideta :D
26.1.15
25 jaanuar....
...oli mu ema synnipäew. öhtu enne seda mötlesin alks kotis kolksumas ja lumes töllerdades, suits hambus, et midagi olulist peab nyyd juhtuma. kui yldse kunagi, siis praegu, oleks praegu see hetk, kus usk maailmasse vöiks taastuda.
...ja töesti. lumi pole ammu nii särav olnud ja värvid nii eredad. selles oli peaaegu midagi pyha.
aga never mind tho. ring sai täis. revelation polnud revelation, sest that IS just THAT. right where it belongs.
*trippin' kygo*
i see fire and counting starz
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
aga seda tahaks küll veel uue aasta saabumise puhul lisada. I WON.
no diggity.
high fiver to the crew ^^
...ja töesti. lumi pole ammu nii särav olnud ja värvid nii eredad. selles oli peaaegu midagi pyha.
aga never mind tho. ring sai täis. revelation polnud revelation, sest that IS just THAT. right where it belongs.
*trippin' kygo*
i see fire and counting starz
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
aga seda tahaks küll veel uue aasta saabumise puhul lisada. I WON.
no diggity.
high fiver to the crew ^^
25.5.14
öös on asju
...kukkusin pooleldi lampi psühhotroopikat lugema. ja see oli hoopis midagi muud, kui ma ette kujutasin. seda võiks suisa mingiks ilmutuseks tembeldada. kohutavalt mõnusa tunde annab asja anonüümsus. ehk siis sisuliselt võisin see ju kasvõi mina olla, kes selle kirjutas. või sina. või tema. või olgem ausad, ega wahet polegi suurt, sest kõik see on teatavasti yx. mitte isegi niivörd universalimsi möttes, vaid sarnasuses ja möistmises. see on nii naljakas ja...lihtne. ma ei saa aru, miks ma enne nii palju muretsesin, miks ma ennast halvasti tundsin. nagu räpane kergelt. aga eks see ole vist ühiskond ja küüniline silmakirjalikkus, mis dikteerib pidevalt seda tunnet, et asju peab tegema nii ja mitte naa. köik on ettekirjutatud, mis rütmis asjad hingama peavad. ja kurat, ei pea. üldse ei pea, mitte midagi sinnakantigi. ja milleks need reeglid üldse tehti, kui need ei tööta. sama rumal näitemäng ja täpselt samad libastumised. nii öelda libastumised. ja ikka välja ei tulda, liiga hirmus vist tundub pärismaailm beebisilmadele.
tegelikult see tunne on mind juba mitu päewa waldanud. selline kergelt ärev, kuid samas nii rahulik, peaaegu teraapiline. eriti tugev oli see reede öösel, kui me keset rüütli tänavat inimesi vaatasime. mängisime oma vanad head lollust: nikuks/ei nikuks. ma täheldasin kohe, et midagi oli teisiti, ma ei möelnud kordagi meeldivuse aspektile, vaid lihtsalt jälgisin, kuidas inimesed käituvad, nende liigutusi. ja kuigi köik oli mängureeglite kohaselt ebasümpaatne, olid nad hoopis huvitavad. vöimalik, et ma olen kaotanud mingitlaadi kriitikameele, kahtlustan pühapäewa möjutusi siiani. ja juba see teadmine, teadmine selle vöimalikkusest, muudab olukorra millekski enamaks kui lihtne keemiline kokteil. alkohol ei ole näiteks kuu aega enam samas vötmes olnud. mis on isenesestmöistetavalt tore. vöib-olla peale vaadates jääb mulje, et midagi pole muutunud, aga tegelikult on sisu teine. kurb on natuke vaadata, kuidas keegi teine ei saa aru, mis teisiti on. sest nemad köik on ju....mis muud, kui osa yhiskonnast. nad vöivad rääkida abstraktselt, mis on öige vöi vale (vöi tegelikult, mis siis yldse wale on?), aga käituvad jätkuvalt mustritena ja mutritena. ma saan aru, seda ei saagi taibata, sest see on kohutavalt pikk teekond. ja kohutav ei ole negatiivne. ja teekond ei tähenda ka pärale jöudmist. neverending roads.
mis ma nyyd selle köigega öelda tahan. vöib-olla seda, et maailm on pidevas muutumises, silmaga nähtav maailm. ja köik see, mis tundus mugav ja wajalik, on tegelikult ammu vanaks jäänud ning ei kehti.
aga eks minagi mängin reeglitekohaselt, kunix ma saan aru, möni sessioon hiljem siis ehk, kuidas väljaspool reeglirägastikku mängida.
kena öö jätku ja aitäh psühhotroopikale, mis töi välja ühisosa.
tegelikult see tunne on mind juba mitu päewa waldanud. selline kergelt ärev, kuid samas nii rahulik, peaaegu teraapiline. eriti tugev oli see reede öösel, kui me keset rüütli tänavat inimesi vaatasime. mängisime oma vanad head lollust: nikuks/ei nikuks. ma täheldasin kohe, et midagi oli teisiti, ma ei möelnud kordagi meeldivuse aspektile, vaid lihtsalt jälgisin, kuidas inimesed käituvad, nende liigutusi. ja kuigi köik oli mängureeglite kohaselt ebasümpaatne, olid nad hoopis huvitavad. vöimalik, et ma olen kaotanud mingitlaadi kriitikameele, kahtlustan pühapäewa möjutusi siiani. ja juba see teadmine, teadmine selle vöimalikkusest, muudab olukorra millekski enamaks kui lihtne keemiline kokteil. alkohol ei ole näiteks kuu aega enam samas vötmes olnud. mis on isenesestmöistetavalt tore. vöib-olla peale vaadates jääb mulje, et midagi pole muutunud, aga tegelikult on sisu teine. kurb on natuke vaadata, kuidas keegi teine ei saa aru, mis teisiti on. sest nemad köik on ju....mis muud, kui osa yhiskonnast. nad vöivad rääkida abstraktselt, mis on öige vöi vale (vöi tegelikult, mis siis yldse wale on?), aga käituvad jätkuvalt mustritena ja mutritena. ma saan aru, seda ei saagi taibata, sest see on kohutavalt pikk teekond. ja kohutav ei ole negatiivne. ja teekond ei tähenda ka pärale jöudmist. neverending roads.
mis ma nyyd selle köigega öelda tahan. vöib-olla seda, et maailm on pidevas muutumises, silmaga nähtav maailm. ja köik see, mis tundus mugav ja wajalik, on tegelikult ammu vanaks jäänud ning ei kehti.
aga eks minagi mängin reeglitekohaselt, kunix ma saan aru, möni sessioon hiljem siis ehk, kuidas väljaspool reeglirägastikku mängida.
kena öö jätku ja aitäh psühhotroopikale, mis töi välja ühisosa.
22.5.14
13.5.14
terve päew on kulunud yhe imbetsilli blogi sirvides. ma ei oma halli aimugi, miks kurat mul seda waja oli. kerge pohmakavine eilsest punapäisest litsist ja vihmane teisipäew ehk. igatahes tabasin end hoopis introspektiivi pealt ja ketrasin natuke iseenda ajas tagasi. once in a while see on vist wajalik, et olevikus selgusele saada. tundub, et ei ole targemaks saanud. kuigi töde on nina all, on waja ikka sorkida waledes.
vöi mis siis täpsemalt walegi on. never mind. igatahes. eeldusel, et weel on stalkereid. siis
riimäel on läänerindelmuutusteta. nagu alati. yx porno löppeb, teine algab ja löppkokkuvöttes on see sama porno juba mitu aastat kestnud. aga elame-öpime. kui muud, siis see koht on vähemalt öpetanud kannatlikkust ja teadmist, et jah, inimesed on töepoolest idioodid. ja manipuleerimine ei ole yldse nii out, kui aus poiss wahepeal romantika raames arvas. söjas on köik lubatud. kuuldavasti ka armastuses, aga selles ma eriti kindel ei ole. seal on siiski reeglid. haaah. nojah.
besides that. möni nädal tagasi harrastasime pirxi juures rämedat ossipidu ehk siis synnipäewa, sisuga sitt muusika, toredad inimesed, ugly cross-dressing ja radioaktiivne tynnisaun. iseenesest funfun yritus, aga kiskus niivörd pikale, et iseenda ees hakkas piinlik oma tegude pärast. inimese vari hakkas juba kehast lahkuma. ja minipuhkusele proper punkt pannes, hakkas kohale laekuma, et ma olen mingil odd reasonil kohutavas koguses alkoholi tarvitanud lähiaegadel. ja reaalsuse katsumine tundus juba hägune unistus. oli waja panniga pähe saada ja mutta kukkuda, et taibata, kus on piirid. ja kuidas nendega käituma peab. siiani pole enam mälukaid olnud, yhiskonda pole ohustanud, käitun enam-vähem nagu viisakas inimene. ja oi yllatust, maailm tundubki kohe loogilisem paik, kui perspektiiv paika loksub.
kui päris aus olla, siis tahax millestki muust kirjutada. aga kurat vötax, nagu ajaloos ketramine näitas, siis käi palun perse ja hangi elu. samade rehade otses tolknemine hakkab juba wanaks saama ja yhel ilusal päewal vöix suureks ka kasvada. ja noh. sellega ma sisuliselt preagu tegelen. enese terve analyysimise ja improvemisega.
kui järele möelda, siis praktiliselt polegi lähiajaloos midagi märkimisväärset toimunud. sotsiaalne ylejoomine ja samad kohad, uued näod. rahulik tavalise tartlase elu. kui kevadtuuled välja arvata, siis on tegelikult köik isegi päris hästi. keegi minema pole jalutanud, uued söberid tekkisid ka pilti, wanad on alles :D väikekodanlik, kuid kena.
ega polegi vist midagi intrigeerivat lisada, ringi ei liigu ja ajalugu ei tee, kasvatan patse ja kassi :P
vöi mis siis täpsemalt walegi on. never mind. igatahes. eeldusel, et weel on stalkereid. siis
riimäel on läänerindelmuutusteta. nagu alati. yx porno löppeb, teine algab ja löppkokkuvöttes on see sama porno juba mitu aastat kestnud. aga elame-öpime. kui muud, siis see koht on vähemalt öpetanud kannatlikkust ja teadmist, et jah, inimesed on töepoolest idioodid. ja manipuleerimine ei ole yldse nii out, kui aus poiss wahepeal romantika raames arvas. söjas on köik lubatud. kuuldavasti ka armastuses, aga selles ma eriti kindel ei ole. seal on siiski reeglid. haaah. nojah.
besides that. möni nädal tagasi harrastasime pirxi juures rämedat ossipidu ehk siis synnipäewa, sisuga sitt muusika, toredad inimesed, ugly cross-dressing ja radioaktiivne tynnisaun. iseenesest funfun yritus, aga kiskus niivörd pikale, et iseenda ees hakkas piinlik oma tegude pärast. inimese vari hakkas juba kehast lahkuma. ja minipuhkusele proper punkt pannes, hakkas kohale laekuma, et ma olen mingil odd reasonil kohutavas koguses alkoholi tarvitanud lähiaegadel. ja reaalsuse katsumine tundus juba hägune unistus. oli waja panniga pähe saada ja mutta kukkuda, et taibata, kus on piirid. ja kuidas nendega käituma peab. siiani pole enam mälukaid olnud, yhiskonda pole ohustanud, käitun enam-vähem nagu viisakas inimene. ja oi yllatust, maailm tundubki kohe loogilisem paik, kui perspektiiv paika loksub.
kui päris aus olla, siis tahax millestki muust kirjutada. aga kurat vötax, nagu ajaloos ketramine näitas, siis käi palun perse ja hangi elu. samade rehade otses tolknemine hakkab juba wanaks saama ja yhel ilusal päewal vöix suureks ka kasvada. ja noh. sellega ma sisuliselt preagu tegelen. enese terve analyysimise ja improvemisega.
kui järele möelda, siis praktiliselt polegi lähiajaloos midagi märkimisväärset toimunud. sotsiaalne ylejoomine ja samad kohad, uued näod. rahulik tavalise tartlase elu. kui kevadtuuled välja arvata, siis on tegelikult köik isegi päris hästi. keegi minema pole jalutanud, uued söberid tekkisid ka pilti, wanad on alles :D väikekodanlik, kuid kena.
ega polegi vist midagi intrigeerivat lisada, ringi ei liigu ja ajalugu ei tee, kasvatan patse ja kassi :P
25.9.13
22.9.13
Iz funny. Kui hakata mötlema, siis need laulud, mida sa kuulad suhte alguses, on ikkagi need, mis annavad möista, mis juhtub. Oli "somebody i used to know", yeasayer "one" and million other depressing things....ja siis tulid sia "my love", "on our way", "american"...and then ur glad u picked lana....or lana picked u. And then u know.... :D
19.7.13
post pask
apparently ma ei teadnud, et mul wahepeal stressskasss oli. väljendus see as usual vaikuses, muusika mitte kuulamises ja hyperaktiivses huvis porno wastu. eile hakkasin pärast kuu aega maha joomist uuesti muusikat kuulama.
...teen järelduse, et see oli eelneva järeltöuge. ehk siis jah post pask. tallinna panoraam ja tünnilöke awas mu rahulolutsakrad. inimesed on jälle ilusad ja head, linnas jalutamine on okei ja pudel ei ole kohe avades pooltühi.
visuaalselt ja väliselt on köik juba mönda aega awesome ja better than ever. sisemus jöudis ka nyyd järgi. sest köik ongi täpselt nii nagu paistab ja paremgi weel.
usun inimkonda ja saatusesse ja ettemääratusse ja see on tähtedesse kirjutatud. ja best is yet to come ja köik on vöimalik.
beat that shit motherfuckers
...teen järelduse, et see oli eelneva järeltöuge. ehk siis jah post pask. tallinna panoraam ja tünnilöke awas mu rahulolutsakrad. inimesed on jälle ilusad ja head, linnas jalutamine on okei ja pudel ei ole kohe avades pooltühi.
visuaalselt ja väliselt on köik juba mönda aega awesome ja better than ever. sisemus jöudis ka nyyd järgi. sest köik ongi täpselt nii nagu paistab ja paremgi weel.
usun inimkonda ja saatusesse ja ettemääratusse ja see on tähtedesse kirjutatud. ja best is yet to come ja köik on vöimalik.
beat that shit motherfuckers
17.4.13
shut up, i got this
nyyd on tagumine aeg teha ka yx positiivne postitus elust. or review, et endal ära ei unux, et elu on veel siiski kuskil maailmas awesome :P
sedapsi. me, myself and i käisime vacationil good old berliinis.
laupäewa öösel kerge närvipinge magada ei lasknud. kukkusime juba nelja paiku hängima, seekord kyll weel alkoholivabalt, sest otherwise olex ma lihtsalt oxendanud. mitte, et ma reaalselt lendamist olex pödenud, aga in general, kui minna enda THE linna, siis peab köik nagu neitsile ideaalne olema.
bussijaamas tabas mind närvivapustus number yx, sest mul oli maagiliselt vale pilet. täispileti asemel, olin ma accidentally student. töesti, praegu tundub see irrelevant as hell, aga punto uno annab kogu reisule nooti, olgem ausad. loomulikult onu sankt peterburgast ei huvitunud karvavördki, kas ma olen stuuudent vöi mitte. seega trip algas.
pit stop kaks oli riia lennujaam. mis mind esialgu ilmselgelt ka traumeeris, sest ma enamasti paistan kahtlane sellistes kohtades. lätlase jaox olin ma suhteliselt tavaline seekord ja midagi intrigeerivat peale ebaloogilisuse ja yleyldise unisuse silma ei paistnud. muidugi...ma eeldasin boeing'ut, aga sain mingi taolise asja, millega me kakskymmend aastat tagasi kuressaare-viljandi otsa tegime emme-issiga. seega ma ei erutunud, tho teadmine, et järgmine koht on nägemist fckn eesti, ajas mind positiivselt turri.
berliin ise oli sossu ja mönna ja söbralik nagu alati. rahvastepaabel ja juhe koos, kuidas lennujaamast kreuzbergi saab yldse. aga aju lylitus suht kiirelt normaalolekusse.
day one began. esimene asi, mida berliinis teha, on absoluutselt...kebab ja budweiser :D köht nurrus ja kaks nädalat kestnud värdjas tunne maos lahkus unustusehölma.
hosteliga lahenes lihtsalt ja loogiliselt, nagu sealmail peabki köik olema. käisin ostbahnhofis weintsi järel ja tömbasime linna peale. avastasime mingi uue koha cessna 36. muidu weel suht syytu ja tyhi, aga tyybid reaalselt teevad maailma parimat mojitot.
tequila ja mojito töid heale möttele revaleri husterix hakata. koht oli natuke oma iseloomu muutnud, must oli asendunud tyrklase ja idaeurooplasega. aga noh, sisu jäi samax.
ideepoolest oli vaja stevenile ka tere teha, smuugeldasin meid tasuta tuppa ja sain kultuurishoki. raw tempel oli, on ja jääb öuduste ööx ja esindab köike negatiivset mentally. pögenesime tagasi tsiviliseeritud maailma. rongipiletit ei viitsinud osta, paranoia garanteeritud.
next stop oli so36. ma ei ole elus kunagi näinud nii palju yllatunud silmi korraga yhes kohas koos. aga berliin jääb berliiniks ja oli ikkagi weekend. pidu kestis edasi, aga meie hakkasime kustuma pärast oma magamata ööd, nelja tundi bussi ja kahte tundi lennukit.
päew kaks algas, kui ma ei exi, weiniga ja läxime kohustuslikule tyrgi turule. mis ilusa ilma puhul oli taaskord festivali möötme vötnud. iseenda laiskuse töttu shopata ei viitsinud, istusime murul päixe käes ja jöime siidrit. mängisime mängu "on homo vöi mitte?" homosid on kohutavalt palju, teatab statistikaamet berliinist.
kärutasime mehringdammi ja kogemata kombel awastasin mustafa's gemüse kebapi putka. win! järjekord kuudi taga osutus taaskord saja meetri pikkuseks, aga somewhat tasus ära. kuigi rämps appelleerib siiski rohkem :D
niisiis vein. saksas ON köik weinid odavamad ja paremad kui siin. kerge peatus que pasas ja ära tapetud jalad. edasi kakkusime end vist hotellis segi... ;D
kolmas päew algas lausega: "mix sa weini ei joo?" töesti, kuidas ma vöisin. töllerdasime kreuzberigis ringi. palavus oli selline nagu keskmine eesti suvi heal päewal. peale badass sonnenbrillede me midagi ostmisväärset ei silmanud. teekond viis neuköllni. seal oli juba parem pilt, aga wein ja jalad tegid oma töö.
oli aeg velodromi minna. vaatepilt oli massive. creepy shit. ma ei tea palju seal rahvast oli, aga kogu hoone oli täis. imagine, yhe konzaga kukub lihtsalt miljon eurtsi ära. and then came lana :DDD
sellest vist ei olegi mötet pikemalt rääkida, kes oli seal, teab. as anyone can imagine, its fucking amazing.
...fuck u hard in the pouring rain...
söitsime emotionally high tagasi oma areasse ja täna öösel me ei maga ^^
last day hängisime moe pärast alexanderplatzi kandis. väike nommimine india restos, et ikka veenduda, et meie oleme paremad. kaiser'si taga veini lastes, saabus kurb töde, et warsti on jälle eesti. kuid siiski, berliin teeb vabaks. kedagi ei huvita, mida sa teed, kes sa oled, mis sul seljas on, keda sa nikud...ja nii saab waimselt wabax. inimesed on ilusad ja head.
so...to the tegel. naljakas, seekord ei tundnud keegi ei minu ega mu koti wastu huvi. saxamaal olen ma tavaline inimene ja kodanik kaks on tyrklane XDDD
boeingu't jälle ei antud. lasime terve lennu tax free weini nagu korralikud eurooplased. stuardess printsess noormees awastas poole peal, et im so very deeply sorry, aga this is not allowed. so we bought wine. härra oli vöidukas, aga ta exis, me jöime ikka enda oma topsist edasi. flying has never been so much fun.
riias missisime bussi ja pidime umbkeelse kilpkonnaga söitma bussijaama. napsasime kaasa mingi kohaliku viskitaolise asja ja lux express sai sisse pyhitsetud. mile high club jäi ära, but bus is fun place to be also.
öö ja eesti, ei saand midagi aru mitte millestki...
ja nyyd on uus päew. kuulan lana't ja mötlen, et elu on ilus. väljas on sitt suusailm ja sittagi pole muutunud. aga hingel hakkab hea, sest neli päewa oli bliss ja vabadus. ja maailmas on koht, kus keegi ei judge'i sind ja alkohol on odav ja muru on rohelisem ja taevas sinisem :D fuck yea!
and i love us.
sedapsi. me, myself and i käisime vacationil good old berliinis.
laupäewa öösel kerge närvipinge magada ei lasknud. kukkusime juba nelja paiku hängima, seekord kyll weel alkoholivabalt, sest otherwise olex ma lihtsalt oxendanud. mitte, et ma reaalselt lendamist olex pödenud, aga in general, kui minna enda THE linna, siis peab köik nagu neitsile ideaalne olema.
bussijaamas tabas mind närvivapustus number yx, sest mul oli maagiliselt vale pilet. täispileti asemel, olin ma accidentally student. töesti, praegu tundub see irrelevant as hell, aga punto uno annab kogu reisule nooti, olgem ausad. loomulikult onu sankt peterburgast ei huvitunud karvavördki, kas ma olen stuuudent vöi mitte. seega trip algas.
pit stop kaks oli riia lennujaam. mis mind esialgu ilmselgelt ka traumeeris, sest ma enamasti paistan kahtlane sellistes kohtades. lätlase jaox olin ma suhteliselt tavaline seekord ja midagi intrigeerivat peale ebaloogilisuse ja yleyldise unisuse silma ei paistnud. muidugi...ma eeldasin boeing'ut, aga sain mingi taolise asja, millega me kakskymmend aastat tagasi kuressaare-viljandi otsa tegime emme-issiga. seega ma ei erutunud, tho teadmine, et järgmine koht on nägemist fckn eesti, ajas mind positiivselt turri.
berliin ise oli sossu ja mönna ja söbralik nagu alati. rahvastepaabel ja juhe koos, kuidas lennujaamast kreuzbergi saab yldse. aga aju lylitus suht kiirelt normaalolekusse.
day one began. esimene asi, mida berliinis teha, on absoluutselt...kebab ja budweiser :D köht nurrus ja kaks nädalat kestnud värdjas tunne maos lahkus unustusehölma.
hosteliga lahenes lihtsalt ja loogiliselt, nagu sealmail peabki köik olema. käisin ostbahnhofis weintsi järel ja tömbasime linna peale. avastasime mingi uue koha cessna 36. muidu weel suht syytu ja tyhi, aga tyybid reaalselt teevad maailma parimat mojitot.
tequila ja mojito töid heale möttele revaleri husterix hakata. koht oli natuke oma iseloomu muutnud, must oli asendunud tyrklase ja idaeurooplasega. aga noh, sisu jäi samax.
ideepoolest oli vaja stevenile ka tere teha, smuugeldasin meid tasuta tuppa ja sain kultuurishoki. raw tempel oli, on ja jääb öuduste ööx ja esindab köike negatiivset mentally. pögenesime tagasi tsiviliseeritud maailma. rongipiletit ei viitsinud osta, paranoia garanteeritud.
next stop oli so36. ma ei ole elus kunagi näinud nii palju yllatunud silmi korraga yhes kohas koos. aga berliin jääb berliiniks ja oli ikkagi weekend. pidu kestis edasi, aga meie hakkasime kustuma pärast oma magamata ööd, nelja tundi bussi ja kahte tundi lennukit.
päew kaks algas, kui ma ei exi, weiniga ja läxime kohustuslikule tyrgi turule. mis ilusa ilma puhul oli taaskord festivali möötme vötnud. iseenda laiskuse töttu shopata ei viitsinud, istusime murul päixe käes ja jöime siidrit. mängisime mängu "on homo vöi mitte?" homosid on kohutavalt palju, teatab statistikaamet berliinist.
kärutasime mehringdammi ja kogemata kombel awastasin mustafa's gemüse kebapi putka. win! järjekord kuudi taga osutus taaskord saja meetri pikkuseks, aga somewhat tasus ära. kuigi rämps appelleerib siiski rohkem :D
niisiis vein. saksas ON köik weinid odavamad ja paremad kui siin. kerge peatus que pasas ja ära tapetud jalad. edasi kakkusime end vist hotellis segi... ;D
kolmas päew algas lausega: "mix sa weini ei joo?" töesti, kuidas ma vöisin. töllerdasime kreuzberigis ringi. palavus oli selline nagu keskmine eesti suvi heal päewal. peale badass sonnenbrillede me midagi ostmisväärset ei silmanud. teekond viis neuköllni. seal oli juba parem pilt, aga wein ja jalad tegid oma töö.
oli aeg velodromi minna. vaatepilt oli massive. creepy shit. ma ei tea palju seal rahvast oli, aga kogu hoone oli täis. imagine, yhe konzaga kukub lihtsalt miljon eurtsi ära. and then came lana :DDD
sellest vist ei olegi mötet pikemalt rääkida, kes oli seal, teab. as anyone can imagine, its fucking amazing.
...fuck u hard in the pouring rain...
söitsime emotionally high tagasi oma areasse ja täna öösel me ei maga ^^
last day hängisime moe pärast alexanderplatzi kandis. väike nommimine india restos, et ikka veenduda, et meie oleme paremad. kaiser'si taga veini lastes, saabus kurb töde, et warsti on jälle eesti. kuid siiski, berliin teeb vabaks. kedagi ei huvita, mida sa teed, kes sa oled, mis sul seljas on, keda sa nikud...ja nii saab waimselt wabax. inimesed on ilusad ja head.
so...to the tegel. naljakas, seekord ei tundnud keegi ei minu ega mu koti wastu huvi. saxamaal olen ma tavaline inimene ja kodanik kaks on tyrklane XDDD
boeingu't jälle ei antud. lasime terve lennu tax free weini nagu korralikud eurooplased. stuardess printsess noormees awastas poole peal, et im so very deeply sorry, aga this is not allowed. so we bought wine. härra oli vöidukas, aga ta exis, me jöime ikka enda oma topsist edasi. flying has never been so much fun.
riias missisime bussi ja pidime umbkeelse kilpkonnaga söitma bussijaama. napsasime kaasa mingi kohaliku viskitaolise asja ja lux express sai sisse pyhitsetud. mile high club jäi ära, but bus is fun place to be also.
öö ja eesti, ei saand midagi aru mitte millestki...
ja nyyd on uus päew. kuulan lana't ja mötlen, et elu on ilus. väljas on sitt suusailm ja sittagi pole muutunud. aga hingel hakkab hea, sest neli päewa oli bliss ja vabadus. ja maailmas on koht, kus keegi ei judge'i sind ja alkohol on odav ja muru on rohelisem ja taevas sinisem :D fuck yea!
and i love us.
8.4.13
No new ideas in ages. meil oli dark era. süüdistan selles endless talve ja kibestunud inimesi, mis koos moodustasid yhe fucking depressiivse kombo.
vöimatu on mingit kokkuvötet teha viimase aja tegudest. honestly most of the time on kulunud närvirakkude hävitamisele...by us, by others. alles praegu tunnen, et öhus on taas värkse ja puhas tuul. ja söjad on peaaegu vöidetud. indeed söjad...kuidas muudmoodi nimetada, kui 24/7 hölmab waid yhte roiskunud paska.
kokkuvöttes. meie lähme ainult tugevamax, vaenlased näitasid oma töelist palet ja liitlased ilmusid sealt, kust seda oodata ei osanud. at least now we know. and we really do run this shit.
ussiaasta käskiski kaval, ja ka salakaval, olla. köik see plottimine tasus ära. and guess what. see on alles algus, beginning of a beautiful journey...
nelja päewa pärast lähme berliini. nädala pärast on lana. ja pärast seda ei hoia lumi ka enam tagasi.
i know it.
have a wonderful spring everyonez. karma iz my bestest friend ^^
hea laul
1.2.13
21.1.13
21
...täna öösel aasta aega tagasi, she went away. ma pole iial ilusamat talvehommikut näinud kui täna. it has to mean something.
ma arvasin, et mul on täna teatav meeleolu langus, aga vastupidi, ma olen rahulik ja väljapuhanud.ja öösel ta rääkis...sedasama, mida paar kuud tagasi. it has to mean something.
ma arvasin, et mul on täna teatav meeleolu langus, aga vastupidi, ma olen rahulik ja väljapuhanud.ja öösel ta rääkis...sedasama, mida paar kuud tagasi. it has to mean something.
9.1.13
7.1.13
mhhh...mul oli plaanis kirjutada midagi ilusat. öelda, kuidas midagi pole muutunud ja köik hingab samas harmoonilises rütmis. aga. millegipärast olen ma samasuguses minust mitte olenevas veidras sitas nagu eelmine jaanuar. möneti küll on see vööras söda ja minust kaugel. kuid seda köike körvalt näha, toob eelmise aasta jaanuari ebameeldivalt lähedale. ja taaskord ei vihasta mind paratamatus vaid hoolimatus, egoism ja empaatiavöime puudumine. vöi jah last not the least, teadmatus.
paistab, et ma olen jälle ainus, kes kogu pilti näeb. ja seda mitte ainult paralleelide töttu, vaid ka sellepärast, et ma näen...might sound ridiculous, aga ma näen seda. seal sees. nagu ka siis....nagu ka nyyd.
ma ei saa aru enam, miks viimaste kuude jooxul see köik minusse üle kantakse. kas ...ma peaks siis oskama nöu anda? kas ma...oskan siis päriselt aidata? reaalsus on ju...et probleem ise ei kao, probleem on aastaid wana, wahel ka sajandeid, wahel on see geneetiline, wahel psühhosomaatiline. it has nothing to do with me or the reality. so why....i get dragged in.
ah mida ma räägin. ma pean endale sisendama, et ma ei saa midagi parata, see ei puutu minusse. täiskasvanud inimesed, kellel eeldatavasti on normintelligents, peavad suutma ise oma tegusid ratsionaliseerida. ise sealjuures pean ma meeles pidama, et inimesed ei ole töepoolest samal mental state'l nagu me, myse lf and i.
ma raiskasin nii palju oma energiat mentaalselt, et kurtidele körvadele selgitada, ja mis ma selle eest sain...tühjax pigistatud sidruni tunde. draakonimöjutused on weel väga tugevad. justice peab vöitma. kuid tunnen juba mao lähenemist, mis viitab tarkusele ja kavalusele. ja on aeg wait olla, awalikud söjad...ei ole enam aktuaalne. spartad lähevad nyyd kulisside taha ja ümbergi ei jöua pöörata, kui juba asjad on juhtunud ja pitser on peal.
see doku ilmselgelt walas ka eile öösel, kui nutsin nagu beebi, öli tulle.
mida me kakleme, kui midagi ei ole teha.
tsiteeridest inimest, kes mu elust vabatahtlikult lahkus: endaga peab tegelema, nii vaimselt kui füüsiliselt.
and that's exactly what i'm going to do ...and have been doing.
sest mis puudutab mind ja sind. siis...it's continuously eternally amazing
paistab, et ma olen jälle ainus, kes kogu pilti näeb. ja seda mitte ainult paralleelide töttu, vaid ka sellepärast, et ma näen...might sound ridiculous, aga ma näen seda. seal sees. nagu ka siis....nagu ka nyyd.
ma ei saa aru enam, miks viimaste kuude jooxul see köik minusse üle kantakse. kas ...ma peaks siis oskama nöu anda? kas ma...oskan siis päriselt aidata? reaalsus on ju...et probleem ise ei kao, probleem on aastaid wana, wahel ka sajandeid, wahel on see geneetiline, wahel psühhosomaatiline. it has nothing to do with me or the reality. so why....i get dragged in.
ah mida ma räägin. ma pean endale sisendama, et ma ei saa midagi parata, see ei puutu minusse. täiskasvanud inimesed, kellel eeldatavasti on normintelligents, peavad suutma ise oma tegusid ratsionaliseerida. ise sealjuures pean ma meeles pidama, et inimesed ei ole töepoolest samal mental state'l nagu me, myse lf and i.
ma raiskasin nii palju oma energiat mentaalselt, et kurtidele körvadele selgitada, ja mis ma selle eest sain...tühjax pigistatud sidruni tunde. draakonimöjutused on weel väga tugevad. justice peab vöitma. kuid tunnen juba mao lähenemist, mis viitab tarkusele ja kavalusele. ja on aeg wait olla, awalikud söjad...ei ole enam aktuaalne. spartad lähevad nyyd kulisside taha ja ümbergi ei jöua pöörata, kui juba asjad on juhtunud ja pitser on peal.
see doku ilmselgelt walas ka eile öösel, kui nutsin nagu beebi, öli tulle.
mida me kakleme, kui midagi ei ole teha.
tsiteeridest inimest, kes mu elust vabatahtlikult lahkus: endaga peab tegelema, nii vaimselt kui füüsiliselt.
and that's exactly what i'm going to do ...and have been doing.
sest mis puudutab mind ja sind. siis...it's continuously eternally amazing
6.12.12
Socioonika
..ja nagu sellest köigest weel vähe olex, me oleme ka duaalid....
Sensoorselt-loogiline introvert
ja
intuitiivselt-eetiline ekstravert
Meister näeb hästi ümbritsevas maailmas kehtivatest eetilistest etalonidest kõrvalekallete pisemaidki detaile ning raskelt talub seda disharmooniat. See kutsub temas diskomfordi tunnet, soovi parandada seisukorda, täiustada saavutatu või olemasolevat. Ja mitte ainult materiaalses maailmas vaid ka oma intellektuaalses ja vaimses arengus. Seepärast on Meister nõudlik nii enda ning sageli ka ümbritsevate suhtes. Talle ei meeldi kui miski on hallipärane, banaalne ning tavapärane, püüab täiustada ennast ja lähedasi, alates välimusest ja tervisest ning lõpetades vaimse arenguga. Väga teadmistehimuline, suure huvidediapasooniga, sageli on ebakindel endas kõrgendatud enesekriitika tõttu. Vajab kiidusõnu oma võimetele, oma jõupingutuste ergutamist.
Psühholoog on just see inimene kes märkab teistel talente, sisendab usku nende võimalustesse, meeleldi avaldab komplimente. Ta märkab isegi varjatuid võimeid ning meeleldi neid arendab. See imponeerib Meistrile väga. Sellise partneriga ta ei pea igatsema. Psühholoog on kasulik talle veel selle poolest, et kergelt leiab väljapääsu rasketest situatsioonidest, mis oleksid võinud paisata Meistrit pikemaks ajaks depressiooni. Ning Meister, tänuavalduseks selle eest, ilmutab hoolt selle inimese hingelise ja välise komfordist eest kes lahendab tema sisemisi probleeme.
Psühholoog tunneb suurt vajadust hoolitseva partneri järele ning leiab rahustust oma emotsionaalsele mässavale loomusele sõnades ning toimingutes püsiva, kindla ja ustava sõbra vaikses sadamas. Meister loob mugavust ning komfordi elus halvasti kohanevale Psühholoogile, võimaldades tal mõelda vaimsetest ning intellektuaalsetest väärtustest, genereerida uusi ideid, mis toovad uudsust nende ühisesse tegevusse.
Olmeprobleeme võtab Meister peamiselt enda kanda, arvates, et see tuleb tal paremini välja. Psühholoog on algatusvõimeline suhetes, oskab koondada enda ümber inimesi, osutub seltskonnahingeks. Ta on usaldusväärne, annab meeleldi nõu isiklike probleemide lahendamiseks. Ta on peen psühholoog kes hästi mõistab inimeste varjatuid vajadusi. Väljendab emotsionaalselt oma suhtumist inimestesse; tema siirus, soojus ning otsekohesus sunnib ümbritsevaid andestama talle liigset sirgjoonelisust ning äkilisust. Ta parandab Meistri eetilisi möödalaskmisi ning sageli ka enda omi, kuna ei kanna pikka viha ja väga armastab inimesi. Tema usaldavus muudab umbuskliku Meistri araks ning emotsionaalsus pehmendab külmemat ja vaoshoitumat partnerit.
Meister on üsna kinnine ja ei armasta demonstreerida oma tundeid. Ta oskab luua distantsi suhtlemises, tundub olema suureline ja mittekontaktne. Kuid hinges on ta tänulik inimesele, kes haarab initsiatiivi eetilistes küsimustes enda kanda. Psühholoogi usaldavus imponeerib talle, aga muutumatu optimism ning tuleviku, erinevate algatuste perspektiivide, mistahes situatsioonides väljumisteede nägemine, sisendavad Meistris püsivat optimismi tuleviku suhtes, vähendavad tema skeptitsismi ning umbusku uue, vähe uuritud ning praktikas kontrollimata suhtes. Lisaks, Meister on vahetevahel väga kahtlustav, suurendab võimalike ning ei näe reaalseid ohte. Seevastu Psühholoog, kes elab rohkem tulevikus kui olevikus, arvestab kõik ette ning õigeaegselt kutsub ettevaatlikkusele ning samas rahustab partnerit kui on tegemist valehäirega.
Meister on väga tehnoloogiline ja praktiline. Oskab töötada kiiresti ning kooskõlastatult. Mõtleb läbi kõik tööetapid ette, varudes eelnevalt tööks vajalikku. Kannatlik töö üksikasjade lihvimisel, oskab eristada peamist, mis on Psühholoogile väga raske. Psühholoogi töövõime saab olla suur vaid kriitilistes situatsioonides aga rutiinne ning nokitsev töö alandab tema elutoonust, olles igavuse allikaks selle rahutu loomingulise isiksuse jaoks. Psühholoog võtab meeleldi enda peale juhitava ning abistaja rolli mis rahustab Meistri liidri loomust, kellele ei meeldi kui talle surutakse peale teisi töövõtteid kui ta ise õigeks peab. Ta on häälestatud reaalsele kasule ning kasumile, erinevalt altruistlikust Psühholoogist, ning see aitab kaasa diaadi materiaalse heaolu kasvule.
Psühholoog vajab partnerit, kes on piisavalt leebe tema nõrkuste suhtes: lohakusele töös, mitteaustus reeglite, reglementide ning hierarhia, motiveerimata agressiivsuse puhangute suhtes. Meister suhtub leebelt nende puudujääkidesse, vahetevahel nad isegi lõbustavad teda. Talle imponeerib Psühholoogi sõltumatu iseloom mis ei kipu kallale ta enda sõltumatusele. Selle duaalse paari iseloomulikeks joonteks on sõltumatus teineteisest ning ümbritsevatest, suhete harmoonia, rahutu loominguline ning enesearendamise vaim.
Meister näeb hästi ümbritsevas maailmas kehtivatest eetilistest etalonidest kõrvalekallete pisemaidki detaile ning raskelt talub seda disharmooniat. See kutsub temas diskomfordi tunnet, soovi parandada seisukorda, täiustada saavutatu või olemasolevat. Ja mitte ainult materiaalses maailmas vaid ka oma intellektuaalses ja vaimses arengus. Seepärast on Meister nõudlik nii enda ning sageli ka ümbritsevate suhtes. Talle ei meeldi kui miski on hallipärane, banaalne ning tavapärane, püüab täiustada ennast ja lähedasi, alates välimusest ja tervisest ning lõpetades vaimse arenguga. Väga teadmistehimuline, suure huvidediapasooniga, sageli on ebakindel endas kõrgendatud enesekriitika tõttu. Vajab kiidusõnu oma võimetele, oma jõupingutuste ergutamist.
Psühholoog on just see inimene kes märkab teistel talente, sisendab usku nende võimalustesse, meeleldi avaldab komplimente. Ta märkab isegi varjatuid võimeid ning meeleldi neid arendab. See imponeerib Meistrile väga. Sellise partneriga ta ei pea igatsema. Psühholoog on kasulik talle veel selle poolest, et kergelt leiab väljapääsu rasketest situatsioonidest, mis oleksid võinud paisata Meistrit pikemaks ajaks depressiooni. Ning Meister, tänuavalduseks selle eest, ilmutab hoolt selle inimese hingelise ja välise komfordist eest kes lahendab tema sisemisi probleeme.
Psühholoog tunneb suurt vajadust hoolitseva partneri järele ning leiab rahustust oma emotsionaalsele mässavale loomusele sõnades ning toimingutes püsiva, kindla ja ustava sõbra vaikses sadamas. Meister loob mugavust ning komfordi elus halvasti kohanevale Psühholoogile, võimaldades tal mõelda vaimsetest ning intellektuaalsetest väärtustest, genereerida uusi ideid, mis toovad uudsust nende ühisesse tegevusse.
Olmeprobleeme võtab Meister peamiselt enda kanda, arvates, et see tuleb tal paremini välja. Psühholoog on algatusvõimeline suhetes, oskab koondada enda ümber inimesi, osutub seltskonnahingeks. Ta on usaldusväärne, annab meeleldi nõu isiklike probleemide lahendamiseks. Ta on peen psühholoog kes hästi mõistab inimeste varjatuid vajadusi. Väljendab emotsionaalselt oma suhtumist inimestesse; tema siirus, soojus ning otsekohesus sunnib ümbritsevaid andestama talle liigset sirgjoonelisust ning äkilisust. Ta parandab Meistri eetilisi möödalaskmisi ning sageli ka enda omi, kuna ei kanna pikka viha ja väga armastab inimesi. Tema usaldavus muudab umbuskliku Meistri araks ning emotsionaalsus pehmendab külmemat ja vaoshoitumat partnerit.
Meister on üsna kinnine ja ei armasta demonstreerida oma tundeid. Ta oskab luua distantsi suhtlemises, tundub olema suureline ja mittekontaktne. Kuid hinges on ta tänulik inimesele, kes haarab initsiatiivi eetilistes küsimustes enda kanda. Psühholoogi usaldavus imponeerib talle, aga muutumatu optimism ning tuleviku, erinevate algatuste perspektiivide, mistahes situatsioonides väljumisteede nägemine, sisendavad Meistris püsivat optimismi tuleviku suhtes, vähendavad tema skeptitsismi ning umbusku uue, vähe uuritud ning praktikas kontrollimata suhtes. Lisaks, Meister on vahetevahel väga kahtlustav, suurendab võimalike ning ei näe reaalseid ohte. Seevastu Psühholoog, kes elab rohkem tulevikus kui olevikus, arvestab kõik ette ning õigeaegselt kutsub ettevaatlikkusele ning samas rahustab partnerit kui on tegemist valehäirega.
Meister on väga tehnoloogiline ja praktiline. Oskab töötada kiiresti ning kooskõlastatult. Mõtleb läbi kõik tööetapid ette, varudes eelnevalt tööks vajalikku. Kannatlik töö üksikasjade lihvimisel, oskab eristada peamist, mis on Psühholoogile väga raske. Psühholoogi töövõime saab olla suur vaid kriitilistes situatsioonides aga rutiinne ning nokitsev töö alandab tema elutoonust, olles igavuse allikaks selle rahutu loomingulise isiksuse jaoks. Psühholoog võtab meeleldi enda peale juhitava ning abistaja rolli mis rahustab Meistri liidri loomust, kellele ei meeldi kui talle surutakse peale teisi töövõtteid kui ta ise õigeks peab. Ta on häälestatud reaalsele kasule ning kasumile, erinevalt altruistlikust Psühholoogist, ning see aitab kaasa diaadi materiaalse heaolu kasvule.
Psühholoog vajab partnerit, kes on piisavalt leebe tema nõrkuste suhtes: lohakusele töös, mitteaustus reeglite, reglementide ning hierarhia, motiveerimata agressiivsuse puhangute suhtes. Meister suhtub leebelt nende puudujääkidesse, vahetevahel nad isegi lõbustavad teda. Talle imponeerib Psühholoogi sõltumatu iseloom mis ei kipu kallale ta enda sõltumatusele. Selle duaalse paari iseloomulikeks joonteks on sõltumatus teineteisest ning ümbritsevatest, suhete harmoonia, rahutu loominguline ning enesearendamise vaim.
2.12.12
get free
it's just so odd, when u become mentally utterly retarded and even shy and backwards about the thing u wanted to shout all about to the world... that you have absolutely nothing to say to the outside world, that u have lost all the strings attached to everything else. those magnificent moments, when u become.. the only thing that matters. everything u have ever confronted and felt ..seems so unreal and useless, total waste of time and space. the answers, u needed, the questions, u thought, u wanted to ask..what were they really about, every moment u thought, u lived, were irrelevant compared to now and ...forever. i'm saying you, though i meant me. because it is all about me ...and you. and the end of the world or the day, when the whole world went away. there is absolutely nothing else out there, there never was. all those seconds without you, the minutes, the months...the years and beyond..they all make sense. all the things ever said or done or dreamt or dimensions never reached, are in divine infinity...how can one ever verbalize anything, if mind is just unable to reach this level of understanding, feeling...the ultimate level of high, which is...reality. every song, listened to hundreds and thousands of times suddenly just comes together. every word, every beat...flows through you..all those movies, all those books, poems, theories...are one. one big whole. everything i ever...wanted. everything i ever questioned or refused to believe in. everything anyone could possibly wish. we have it in front of us. and it's so unreal, that i'm willing to let go everything i was ever all about. i'm ready to..not have ...anything at all. now i know, how stupid i was, now i know, how wrong i was...til this very moment. actually every single word i ever wrote...every single idea i had during the years i have been writing here...all of it. it's a bunch of crap. this has nothing to do, what i know now, what i have become, whom i've met in my real mirror. seriously why to bother even...trying to concentrate on anything. everything is lana, she said it all. it is...illuminati. it is the end. and we are born to die. and ....even worse for everybody else. it's the exact opposite. again we met. from the brief second our eyes met across the hall, the centuries again, were erased. and it began again. and it is odd to know. and i'm saying odd, because weird or awkward would be...negative. and difference between knowing something then, knowing something now...is, this time, i am really naked and empty and full and....i have nothing left of myself, the one that i knew of.. i was just a kid, sorry kids.
14.11.12
Lesbian
Lesbians are a divine race of extra-dimensional alpha-females whose very existence is one chiefly devoted to the fulfillment of all manner of pleasures and whims. Blessed with supreme beauty, intelligence and grace, their only weakness would appear to be their hellish lust and need for sexual gratification. Perfectly formed, their skin is without blemish, their eyes always shine with a sublime incandescence, and they are possessed of a charm so intense it can melt a man's soul.
Lesbians swim inside rainbows, wear stars around their necks, and, most importantly, possess no hair on their bodies save their heads. It is a well known fact that they can, on impulse, secret honey. They only drink nectar, only eat ambrosia, and never sweat, cry, burp, excrete, cough or suffer from any other widely disgustingly human traits.
Tragically, Lesbians are only attracted to other Lesbians, and thus their lotus musk, their angelic aura, their luscious charms, and their honey, can never be experienced by mere mortals – they are the eternal embodiment of the sacred and the forbidden.
Please note that the Lesbians referred to above are the REAL Lesbians. Anyone who claims to be a Lesbian and has any physical or mental flaws whatsoever, or who cannot breathe moonbeams and secrete honey on demand is an imposter. The author of this post has nothing against homosexuals, but True Lesbians are something else. -What makes honey, but is not a bee?
-A Lesbian.
When James saw the tip of the Lesbian's toe his soul turned to butter and his eyes burned for hours afterwards. Unless you want to be consumed within the molten fury of your own lust, James advises you to stay away from Lesbians.
Lesbians are a divine race of extra-dimensional alpha-females whose very existence is one chiefly devoted to the fulfillment of all manner of pleasures and whims. Blessed with supreme beauty, intelligence and grace, their only weakness would appear to be their hellish lust and need for sexual gratification. Perfectly formed, their skin is without blemish, their eyes always shine with a sublime incandescence, and they are possessed of a charm so intense it can melt a man's soul.
Lesbians swim inside rainbows, wear stars around their necks, and, most importantly, possess no hair on their bodies save their heads. It is a well known fact that they can, on impulse, secret honey. They only drink nectar, only eat ambrosia, and never sweat, cry, burp, excrete, cough or suffer from any other widely disgustingly human traits.
Tragically, Lesbians are only attracted to other Lesbians, and thus their lotus musk, their angelic aura, their luscious charms, and their honey, can never be experienced by mere mortals – they are the eternal embodiment of the sacred and the forbidden.
Please note that the Lesbians referred to above are the REAL Lesbians. Anyone who claims to be a Lesbian and has any physical or mental flaws whatsoever, or who cannot breathe moonbeams and secrete honey on demand is an imposter. The author of this post has nothing against homosexuals, but True Lesbians are something else. -What makes honey, but is not a bee?
-A Lesbian.
When James saw the tip of the Lesbian's toe his soul turned to butter and his eyes burned for hours afterwards. Unless you want to be consumed within the molten fury of your own lust, James advises you to stay away from Lesbians.
13.11.12
XDDD
no wahi-wahi. arvad siin pahaaimamatult, et oled armunud ja mis siis välja tuleb...
me olem haiged inimesed hoopis. me peame ravile minema.
raja, baby, here i cum (!)
Pick's disease is a relatively rare form of dementia that causes a slow shrinking of brain cells due to excess protein build-up. Patients with Pick’s initially exhibit marked personality and behavioral changes, and then a decline in the ability to speak coherently.
While up to seven million Americans may be afflicted with dementia, Pick's disease accounts for just five percent of all progressive dementias. Because of the manner in which symptoms first appear, it is frequently misdiagnosed in the early stages as depression, mental illness, or Alzheimer's disease—but Pick’s has its own set of characteristics that set it apart. And although there is no cure, learning about the unique symptoms can help you more quickly identify and manage the disease What is Pick's disease?
According to Arnold Pick, who first described the disease in 1892, Pick's disease causes an irreversible decline in a person's functioning over a period of years. Although it is commonly confused with the much more prevalent Alzheimer's disease, Pick's disease is a rare disorder that causes the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain, which control speech and personality, to slowly atrophy. It is therefore classified as a frontotemporal dementia, or FTD.
Causes of Pick's disease
Like Huntington's disease and Lewy Body disease, Pick's disease is the result of a build-up of protein in the affected areas of the brain. The accumulation of abnormal brain cells, known as Pick's bodies, eventually leads to changes in character, socially inappropriate behavior, and poor decision making, progressing to a severe impairment in intellect, memory and speech.
Pick's disease usually strikes adults between the ages of 40 and 60, and is slightly more common in women than in men. Unfortunately, the cause for Pick's disease is unknown. A few studies suggest that Pick's disease may have a genetic component, but most family members are unaffected. Other risk factors are unknown.
Signs and symptoms of Pick's disease
In contrast to Alzheimer’s disease, where memory loss is the predominate early sign, the first symptoms of Pick’s disease usually involve personality changes or a decline in basic functioning.
While the progression of symptoms in Pick's disease is fortunately slow, symptoms do worsen over time. The following symptoms are typical of patients with Pick's disease. More severe symptoms appear in later stages of the illness.
Behavioral signs and symptoms of Pick’s disease
Impulsivity and poor judgment
Extreme restlessness (early stages)
Overeating or drinking to excess (when this was not previously a problem)
Lack of attention to personal hygiene
Sexual exhibitionism or promiscuity
Withdrawal or decreased interest in activities of daily living
Decline in function at work and home
Repetitive or obsessive behavior
Emotional signs and symptoms of Pick’s disease
Abrupt mood changes
Lack of warmth, concern, or empathy
Apathy
Rudeness, impatience, or aggression
Easily distracted; poor attention span
Unaware of the changes in behavior
Language signs and symptoms of Pick’s disease
Loss of vocabulary
Trouble finding the right word
Difficulty speaking or understanding speech
Repeating words others say
Weak, uncoordinated speech sounds
Decrease in ability to read or write
Complete loss of speech
Physical signs and symptoms of Pick’s disease
Increased muscle rigidity or stiffness
Difficulty moving about
Lack of coordination
General weakness
Memory loss
Urinary incontinence
source: http://www.helpguide.org/elder/picks_disease.htm
minge persse XDDDDDDDD
Pick's disease is a relatively rare form of dementia that causes a slow shrinking of brain cells due to excess protein build-up. Patients with Pick’s initially exhibit marked personality and behavioral changes, and then a decline in the ability to speak coherently.
While up to seven million Americans may be afflicted with dementia, Pick's disease accounts for just five percent of all progressive dementias. Because of the manner in which symptoms first appear, it is frequently misdiagnosed in the early stages as depression, mental illness, or Alzheimer's disease—but Pick’s has its own set of characteristics that set it apart. And although there is no cure, learning about the unique symptoms can help you more quickly identify and manage the disease What is Pick's disease?
According to Arnold Pick, who first described the disease in 1892, Pick's disease causes an irreversible decline in a person's functioning over a period of years. Although it is commonly confused with the much more prevalent Alzheimer's disease, Pick's disease is a rare disorder that causes the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain, which control speech and personality, to slowly atrophy. It is therefore classified as a frontotemporal dementia, or FTD.
Causes of Pick's disease
Like Huntington's disease and Lewy Body disease, Pick's disease is the result of a build-up of protein in the affected areas of the brain. The accumulation of abnormal brain cells, known as Pick's bodies, eventually leads to changes in character, socially inappropriate behavior, and poor decision making, progressing to a severe impairment in intellect, memory and speech.
Pick's disease usually strikes adults between the ages of 40 and 60, and is slightly more common in women than in men. Unfortunately, the cause for Pick's disease is unknown. A few studies suggest that Pick's disease may have a genetic component, but most family members are unaffected. Other risk factors are unknown.
Signs and symptoms of Pick's disease
In contrast to Alzheimer’s disease, where memory loss is the predominate early sign, the first symptoms of Pick’s disease usually involve personality changes or a decline in basic functioning.
While the progression of symptoms in Pick's disease is fortunately slow, symptoms do worsen over time. The following symptoms are typical of patients with Pick's disease. More severe symptoms appear in later stages of the illness.
Behavioral signs and symptoms of Pick’s disease
Impulsivity and poor judgment
Extreme restlessness (early stages)
Overeating or drinking to excess (when this was not previously a problem)
Lack of attention to personal hygiene
Sexual exhibitionism or promiscuity
Withdrawal or decreased interest in activities of daily living
Decline in function at work and home
Repetitive or obsessive behavior
Emotional signs and symptoms of Pick’s disease
Abrupt mood changes
Lack of warmth, concern, or empathy
Apathy
Rudeness, impatience, or aggression
Easily distracted; poor attention span
Unaware of the changes in behavior
Language signs and symptoms of Pick’s disease
Loss of vocabulary
Trouble finding the right word
Difficulty speaking or understanding speech
Repeating words others say
Weak, uncoordinated speech sounds
Decrease in ability to read or write
Complete loss of speech
Physical signs and symptoms of Pick’s disease
Increased muscle rigidity or stiffness
Difficulty moving about
Lack of coordination
General weakness
Memory loss
Urinary incontinence
source: http://www.helpguide.org/elder/picks_disease.htm
minge persse XDDDDDDDD
4.11.12
spring is in november
i'm thrilled and amazed, utterly fascinated...and i can't believe, what i believe. if this is the end, another day, when the world went away, then i don't care...and i don't cry. i laugh and. the zero is upsidedown, the hanged man, the joker. is right now.
29.10.12
beautiful collision
howdy. esimene reaalne waba päew yle pika aja ja seda väga mitmes möttes. kuidagi nostalgiline on olla. just siin, kus ma olen.
esimene lumi tuli maha 25 oktoober ja sisuliselt maha ta jäigi. selles on möödunud neli päewa ja neli kilo. see röve allergia mu kätelt hakkab lahkuma, seega ka stress on kadunud. igatahes väga hea pinnas tevislikule anoreksiale ja muutustele elus. kuigi just praegusel hetkel, ma ei wajagi mingit muutust, köik on paigas ja harmoonias. nagu ka eelmises postituses näha, tulid ka kaardid minu juurde tagasi ja i should look more into it.
parim asi tänase juures oli hommikune greibi-mee-sidruni jook. oi, kui hästi keha mäletas, mida tähendab üks greip. it was almost orgasmic. ja päew ju alles algas....
esimest korda, eile siis, tegin ma asju öigesti. ilma valedeta ja ilma hirmuta. see puhastas mu mürgitatud aju kapitaalselt... paremuse poole.
ma lihtsalt tean...et nüüd on midagi teisiti...see viha, pettumus ja ängistus on möödas. ma wabanesin sellest köige ootamatul viisil, mis vöiks pähe karata. see on sürreaalne, fascinating and thrilling and mindblowing...ja ilus. ja kui on tähetedesse kirjutatud, peab vist tuhka pähe raputama. alexis zorbas meenub. huvitav.panen tömbama (kui hea on taaskord asju tömmata, kui tuju tuleb...ei mingit gemat ega actat ^^)
mmm...esimene toit nelja päewa jooxul, neli vutimuna ja kaks porgandit :D see paneb maitseid hindama. fantastiline.
...wanad söbrad ilmnuvad igalt poolt välja ja küsivad, kuidas läheb. ma ei hakka neile valetama, et mul läheb...kuradi hästi. küll nemad juba teavad :D
ega ma tömbangi praegu otsa kokku ja vaatan, mis ülejäänud päewal pakkuda on ^^
27.10.12
mount fucking everest.
tundub, et on aeg kaarte panna.
lähimineviku negatiivsed aspektid töid mind fataalsele tulemusele. where/when i least expected it. aju on önnex välja lülitunud ja köik ymbrus harmoonias.
so here goes nothing. wana hea mina-sina-olevik-tulevik ladumine.
ärtu kolm haaa no fck me. ärtu kolm viitab samasooliste söprade selckonna nautimisele. blablabla...löbu ja nauding. charmant, fun, sörbalik, head kavatsused. long story short, lucky card, things that belong together..just belong together.
now a different story. ärtu soldat see on see hurmur kaart. tegelane, kes teeb sada trikki, et saavutada oma eesmärk. one way or another...with the twitch of fascination. ja kui see on käes, siis on tsauki.
wait what...kas ma ajasin nad wahetusse. vöi mis weel hullem :D maybe it's all the same. sama asja kaks aspekti. olgu.
carry on.
blurry. mida see siin teeb. ruutu kaks pööratud
sisuliselt symobliseerib see asjade ummikusse jooxmist. "vöta vöi jäta"; "köik vöi mitte midagi". ja main thing about it, on reisikaaart ikkagi. annab seostada ehk. must look into it. with an extra card - poti yhexa pööratud šokk, murranguline pööre, lahkukolimine, lahutus. okei-okei. oluline aspekt selle kaardi juures on...see paneb su väärtushinnangud proovile ja pole välistatud, et neid peab muutma. poti yhexa vöib su elu igaveseks muuta. hmmm...millegipärast i do have this feeling.
edasi. ärtu kuus kaart mis kannab lihtsalt nime igavene. ja igavesest ajast igavesti, kuni surm meid lahutab. i did get this word previously already.
igatahes. symboliseerib asju, mis jätkub muutumatuna terve igaviku. ühel vöi teisel viisil kestab see elu löpuni.
mitte et ärtu kuus wajax lisakaarte, but i'm intrigued. so lets...
hmmm... ruutu kahexa elamiskunst, tasakaal, vördsus. huvitav nüanss yldiselt. see kaart on, hmm...nagu kirss tordil v nii. pmst aega täidavad juba köik muu, aga see on nagu täiendus niigi täisväärtuslikult elule. tänu lihtsusele, möistuslikkusele ja stabiilsusele on vastastikune möju loov ja hingeline. no get the picture. "...rikastab su elu köikvöimalike aspektidega"
selle peale...et asjale weelgirohkem walgust anda. kerge minevik-olevik-tulevik.
1. history. ruutu yhexa pööratud liiga körged ootused ja liiga madalad ambitsioonid. "kui soovite kokku jääda, pead latti madamale laskma. su partneril pole wajaliku abieluönne loomiseks wajalikke eeldusi. loomulikult vöite läbikäimist jätkata, kuid kirgastumiseni teie liit ei küündi.
issand kuidas ma armastan, kui keegi kasutab söna kirgastumine. rusikas kuradi silmaauku. ...kui hästi nad teavad XD
wahemärkusena...minu latt ei käi madalamale.
2. olevik. ja taaskord. ärtu kolm löbu ja nauding. oioioi, mis jutt XD
tsiteerin... "...siis moodustate varsti kaheliikmelise yhiskonna. sel paaril on kahekesi märksa löbusam kui kellegi teisega. nad on südamlikud, mänguhimulised ja päikeselised hinged on teineteisele loodud"
3. lähitulevik. what the fuck. noormehed. mix te kordute. XD ruutu kaks pööratud ma ei viici seda pointi kordama hakata. aga tundub, et siin mingit kohta v ajahetke ei taha/ei oska kaardid konkreetselt öiges suunas rääkida. rohkem nagu ymbruses kompamine.
lisakaart...ärtu kymme ärtu kymme on künnis märksa suuremat emotsionaalset rahuldust pakkuvasse keskonda. ärtu kymme koosneb kolmest etapist. a) otsus wanast suhtest eemalduda b) eemaldumisega kaasnev ängistus ja sellest tervenemine c) otsus avada uus uks ja kohtuda uute inimestega.
otseassendid kaart tähistab a-d ja c-d, pööratud b-d. kümme ennustab alati edasiliikumist ja parema pelgupaiga otsinguid.
pikem perspektiiv ....mingid ebaloogilised kaardid. tömman lisa.
ärtu kaheksa paneb mainima, et kui yx lisakaart välja arvata, siis on see straight red flush. mainly ärtu.
djah...tähendab. ma ei hakka seda isegi mitte kirjutama. igayx kes teab midagi symbolismist, siis kaheksa ja ärtu pretty much sums it up ...
i want to lick your brainz.
funny thing ikkagi. asjad, mis pealtnäha on lihtsad, on keerulisemad, kui arvatagi oskad. ja asjad, mida pidasid praktiliselt vöimatux, on....nii meeldivalt lihtsad.
20.10.12
lana
i've never been as disgusted.
u devoted ur life and soul and faith into it. and...it really hasn't even been a year...since the most important person in my life died.
died.
in a horrible way.
and she replies....MIS SEE TÄHENDAB?!
tead mis see tähendab. see tähendab, et sa oled kõige önnetum ja tähtsusetum inimene maamunal. sellist tyhjust ei saa täita ka sitaga
könts.
no one has ever been as shit to....to anyone. to humanity. to love.
4.10.12
.bb
guess i should...say what has happened, but i realized, that there's no need for that. i'll just summarize my random thoughts. i have had the fastest ride and slowest conclusions. one took 27 hours, the other one six years of my life. matching the pieces of the puzzle with a friend of mine, got me somewhere i haven't been before with this subject. i always somehow assumed it was more about me, not the other way around. i thought i was howling to the moon and walking in circles...that it was my fault somehow... comes out, that is quite a bunch of bullshit. i wasn't scared, i was there all the time. i'm not the one with sleeve full of games.
there's something about near death experiences, that make you just love again. at first i was scared shitless, when i actually understood, that the end of me might be on the roads of lithuania. i remember so clearly the thought in my head, that a chick in bmw is the best thing that could happen 4 am in the middle on nowhere. but it ended up being the longest 300 kilometers in my life. having mk ultra telepathy four hours straight, every second ready to grab the wheel myself, leaded me to extreme exhaustion.
and i still have it, but my mind is clear. i won't push shit that doesn't need to pushed. when i said i don't believe these things anymore, she said, she had lost faith. in a way it's funny. she seriously was sure, if a thing like this is out there, there is still hope for all of us. and guess what...i don't think there is. the supernatural coincidences are hard to deny, but does it really mean anything. right now and right here it doesn't change anything. i don't feel sad or lonely..i'm quite comfortable of knowing what's going to happen tomorrow. i enjoy the silence. the need for adrenaline and thrill, even they are quiet. why not, i was really sick of the noises already...
1.10.12
on the road again :D
I've been out on that open road
You can be my full time, daddy
White and gold
Singing blues has been getting old
You can be my full time, baby
Hot or cold
Don't break me down
I've been travelin' too long
I've been trying too hard
With one pretty song
I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast
I am alone in the night
Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but I
I've got a war in my mind
So, I just ride
Just ride, I just ride, I just ride
Dying young and I'm playing hard
That's the way my father made his life an art
Drink all day and we talk 'til dark
That's the way the road doves do it, ride 'til dark.
Don't leave me now
Don't say good bye
Don't turn around
Leave me high and dry
I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast
I am alone in the night
Been tryin' hard not to get in trouble, but I
I've got a war in my mind
I just ride
Just ride, I just ride, I just ride
I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy
I'm tired of driving 'till I see stars in my eyes
I look up to hear myself saying,
Baby, too much I strive, I just ride
I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast
I am alone in the night
Been tryin' hard not to get in trouble, but I
I've got a war in my mind
I just ride
Just ride, I just ride, I just ride
27.9.12
salude
...i think it's time to say, that momma i'm coming home. too bad you're not even near, where i need to be. too bad you can't ever tell me that, what i'm doing, is wrong (or right). too bad i can't even feel you...like other people say, they feel the ones near, that passed away. my radar is empty and dead....even like you were never here. even the fading memories of you seem so distant, that i just don't want to cope with, cause in the end it was all pain. so
it's rainy and cloudy and cold and alone outside. i feel ...nothing at all. not even the lonelyness, eventho, the person i love/loved, is..right behind me.
eventho the person who gets me til the end is few kilometers away, i want to escape them...and everything. how can you, just leave so far, that you leave no trace behind....it destroys and corrupts me...i don't want to sleep, but i sleep forever, i feel, but i block the true ones and go with the ones full of hate. how do i even go on like this. i had no idea, what it really meant. i still don't know, what anything means...guess there was this only one, who always stayed on my side, because she knew, what i was all about, but now seems, like even she has gone, where you have gone...in the eternal silence. why would you not sing in the trees and in the clouds, why would you not appear in the colors of the flowers. why aren't you doing, what you're supposed to do...or if that is a lie, what can i believe. from the dead...and alive ones. if you both left me the same way...trying to breathe, trying to catch the significent moments of seconds...giving me nothing but myself and emptyness. we're you lying, was i lying...all the time.
why would i ever...mention. anything. that is left pure. like loving a mother. like having a soulmate 'til the rest of your journeys, 'til eternity, dreams....reality, truth is dreams................i don't want to talk anymore
25.9.12
running up that hill with no problems
...but i must point out the fact, that once in mi life, i had no questions, because i did have all the answers. what does it say about life really....i'm an idiot in progress.
kogemata lauluvalik naaberarvutist on ka kuradi kuld.
ah las jääda...asjad juhtuvad, kui nad ise tahavad, kes siin üldse otsustab. and i just witnessed that. circles just go bigger and bigger and you get more lost, though you knew the fucking route all along.
i'll give up driving backwards and just go with the flow...
illusion & dream....
publiku tungival soovil on aeg midagi lisada XD
circa kuu aega on wahepeal möödunud viimasest korrast, kui näole andsin. ja ma pean tödema, et suurt midagi positiivset ei ole öelda. then again negatiivsuse vältimisex, we don't really go out much either. so hm...mul on ilmselged keskendumisraskused, how do they say that...pea on pulki täis, or whatnot.
okay. i'll try...mingi hetk tagasi sain couchsurfingu kaudu yhe usa pifiga tuttavax. saime kokku ja lakkusime end kapsaussidex tequilast jne ja sada random kohta ja sada random inimest ja viimased inimlikud connectimised ja westlused, mida on vöimalik omada kontvööraga, kes the next moment seda enam ei ole. kui see oli loogiline, siis u got me, kui ei, siis väga meeldiv. ja vöimalik, et see oli viimane tösiselt awesome öhtu siin linnas. sest ever since that (not that it's related), on mingi pask öhus. and i can't quite put my finger on it yet. the pure fun and carelessness has disappeared. all that is hanging, is the quiet buzz of something creeping and crawling behind me.
ma vöiks mainida peamisi awalikke ylesastumisi, mis mind vihastavad...nagu. et saxas tööd saada, pead olema registreeritud. nagu pmst nöuka ajal estoonijas sissekirjutus. ja i'm not kidding..schengen minu perse, nikutakse köiki vördselt, ka kohalikke. aga as we r staying in a place, where it's impossible, it makes our situation quite crappy. so yea. sisssssekirjutus pole ainus auk bürokraatias. kuna afikari ei taha sinu pealt makse maksta, pead sa hakkama freelancerix. mis omakorda taaskord seisab selle esimese taga. sama kehtib pangakonto avamisele. ja sisuliselt köigele, mis pähe vöib karata. euroopa liit on kassipiss, köik on alienid. ja loomulikult on main huumor saxa keel. kui köik räägivad inglise keelt, siis ma seriously ei näe probleemi, but yet still it is the major issue around here. köik peax obvs danke ja bitte schön karjuma entusiastlikult, nii et suurest önnest tilk pyxis. hirmus on ainult nüanss, et nemad, nemad, kes siin elavad, ongi nii üles kasvanud. ja lisax mis puudutab saxa keele kursusi, siis mul tekkis teatav okserefleks kogu selle poliitika wastu. ma vist ei taha öppida ametlikult midagi, kus ma reaalselt ennast hästi ei tunne. sama kurjus läks omal ajal hispaania kaela. nats vöi whatnot....aga näiline wastutulelikkus ei pane mind uskuma, et keegi kuskil saax olla vööras ja tunda end kodus.
ja ka eesti...on samasugune. ja hullemgi, sest ta teeb köike, et omadki ära lähex, mujale orjaks ja kerjuseks.
jättes nyyd körvale paberimajanudse ja miks saksamaa in general nöme on, tuleme sotsiaalsusesse. meie kallid söbrad naasesid balkanist ja ever since that oleme muutunud aktiivseteks külaühiskonnas. as in, dinnerdeidid, veiniöhtud jne kölab nunnuromantiliselt, aga siin on mönda aega midagi haisenud. ja ma ei saanud jälle aru, miks see nii on. kuniks asjaolud kulmineerusid laupäewal. siinkohal ma soovin, et ma saaksin öelda, mis juhtus ja mis see tähendas...vöi mida see ei tähendanud, vöi mis muutus, vöi....or rewind back hundreds of posts, come again. count to ten and start again. ma ei tea. aga seebimullikene läks katki. minu enda loodud ja minusse mitte puutuvad vöörad mullid. ma ei saa enam möelda, et eestist lippamine oli hullult romantilisekstreem ettevötmine, sest tagamaad on pea peale pööratud, ilma, et ma seda ise oleksin teadnud. miks ma siin olen? et saada rikkaks ja ägedaks ja tekitada maailmakadedust? vöi oli see ikkagi midagi muud.
ja siit siis suurim kysimus, kas ma peaxin tagasi pögenema...vöi edasi pögenema. vöi seisma jääma. sest tundub, et olenemata asukohast, ma leian end samast punktist. wtf should i do....what the fuck...
kolmas weints ei tee ka targemaks. ja homme on jälle samasugune päew. teeme töödotsiva näo ja samal ajal mötleme...kurat teab millest. peaga wastu seina. saaks waid rääkida vöi karjuda...
1.9.12
köik on uus septembrikuus
niisiis. täna me kolisime uude kohta. which, in a way is awesome...kui ma polex kunagi oma korteris elanud, siis ma töenäoliselt kepsutax rahulolust :D or maybe i'm just too old for that. igatahes pleiss ise on kaks tänavat edasi eelmisest kohast. korter, mida ei pea kellegagi sheerima, ise koosneb toast, dušširuum/wc-st ja ....olematust köögist. which means, köögis on pliit ja see on köik. literally. hetkel keedan teed näitex mingis potis :D tegelikult on see somewhat romantiline isegi, kuulan yle jupi aja lana't ja ootan sügist.
eelmine nädal tutvusime CS kaudu ühe ukraina pifiga ja töllerdasime temaga mööda linna. käisime juudimuuseumis ja öhtul kater holzigis, kus fckn hell ei vöinud pilte teha. kurb. sest visuaalselt oli see koht amazing.
aa..haigeks jäime ka müstiliselt. hakkasime iga päew küüslauku sööma ja sidruni-mee koksi..no nii profülaktika möttes. ja bang, niiduk.
mnjaa. vist muud midgi polegi huvitavat juhtunud. sest see on ju suht irrelevant, kuidas me eile ostkreuzis tund-kaks exinud olime...
and ...mountain dew on kohutav, usa, mis sul viga on?
25.8.12
random lazy
so hmm...laupäew. joon mingit 2,5 kraadist limpsi ja olen somewhat disappointed. niisiis. eile läksime välja. aspirationiga have a good time and not get hammered as fuck (vöi oli see osa plaanist, ma enam ei tea). öhtu algas sellega, et maandusime bernauer'i U-s ja hakkasime otsima bogobljadi näituse avamist. meie teekonda interruptis kamp poissmeeste öhtult. olime sunnitud XD mängima nendega mängu. ehk siis panema peigmehega vöidu puzzlet kokku. meie vöitsime. fun ^^
kömpisime tund aega mööda brunnenstrasset edasi-tagasi, kunix murdusin, et kysida, mis kurat aadress on. mnjaa see oli pmst metroopeatuses. igatahes, oli au kohata ühte ägedat baari, kus käisid hipster kunstipeded. aga hinnad olid häbematud...2,5 eurtsi 0,33 ölle eest. samas absolutiga olid nad lahked. 4 euri ja club mate-t oli viina peal heal juhul sentimeeter.
aga nagu ikka olime me seikluste otsingul. pörutasime oranienisse, et pedebaari minna (ja china-boxi-is üle süüa loomulikult). taaskord oli so36-s mingi fakin eriüritus, mis tahtis 8 eurtsi. we passed. ja läksime rose-sse. seal ei paistnud paljaste poiste wahel sentimeetritki astumiseruumi (rääkimata naistest), just the way they like it.
vötsime siis eesmärgiks leida midagigi. uurisime siis oma berliini turistiraamtut ja söitsime nollendorfi, KUS teoreetiliselt peaks olema köik see, mida waja oli. aga taaskord see söit töestas fakti, et lääne-berliin on crap ja ma ei taha ikka weel ega töenäoliselt kunagi sinna tegelikult minna. ja kui 2,5 ölle eest oli ilmselge liialdus, siis kuidas 3,8 sama asja eest kölab.
aight. korra tekkis möte warschauerile minna ja stevenile tere teha, aga selleks hetkeks olime me juba liigagi kained, et üldse raw tempelisse minna julgeda (kaine peaga tunduvad möningad kohad liiga räpased..)
sedapsi...yhesönaga eilne öhtu löppes kell pool kaks (!!!), kainelt ja 'eurotripi' vaadates (nostalgia vöi noh)..
täna olen ma terve päewa couchsurfinguga weetnud, et saada targemaks. aga ma ei saa targemaks, sest hordide kaupa inimesi kirjutab mulle ja kysib, et kus, kes, mis, lähme ja teeme. aga mina ju ei tea veel midagi...tegelikult. peale obvious asjade nagu köpi ja raw tempel ja kreuzberg in general.
so jah. downloadisin berlin offline stadtmapi, mida olex pidanud juba mitu nädalat tagasi tegema, mitte nussima mingi aegunud räbalaga.
secondly i'm really getting into dumpster diving again. söögi eest maksmine tundub ebaloogiline ja siin linnas lausa kohatu. ehk siis täna peax asja käsile vötma.
a mis weel. hmm. a meie kallis naaber viis kogu taara ära, mis pani paha alguse päewale, sest mina tahtsin seda ise teha. ja nyyd ta teeb pizzat. ass!
23.8.12
pink elephant
ma ei mäleta enam, mis ma öelda tahtsin. aga ma leidsin tubakapoest oma roosad suitsud ülesse ^^ yeey. eile käisime "töövestlusel" ja vöimalik, et me saime mingi otsa mingi hetk. köögiotsa. ajaa täna on 24...järelikult head anniversary't meile :}
eile oli mingi utterly imelik öhtu, siiani on tropp olla. öhtupoolik algas ilusti, väike kebab ja väike (no paar) weini pargis, aga kuskilt maalt on mäluauk. esimene korralik siin linnas. see koht, kuidas me rongijaama ja koju saime oma keskelt läinud. kuna meie kaart on räbaldunud mitmeks tükiks, lasime vist sisemise kompassiga. a noh täis inimesed teavad alati, kus kodu on XD igatahes hea, et köik hea on, igusuguseid koledaid asju vöib juhtuda, sest öös on asju. eriti siin linnas. önneks vist, inimesed on ilusad ja head saksas, sest nemad ei irise mööda fb-d vöi foorume, kui midagi sitasti on, reaalselt üldine meeleolu on parem ning söbralikum. vöi olen ma lihtsalt siin nii vähe olnud, et ma weel ei ole töelist palet näinud. kes teab. eks näis.
alrightie...
17.8.12
week 3
so what have been up to. mingid korrad passisime weel oma ööklubis, kus ülemus armus meisse ilmselgelt ära ja väitis, et me oleme ta absoluutsed lemmikud. millega me pälvisime töenäoliselt teiste hoorade pahameele baaris (kes teenisid meist vähem) ja enam me seal ei tööta. pfff...tüüpiline. aga vähemalt see töstis meie laisad persed maast lahti ja avas muud uksed tööotsimiseks. nothing so far, aga meeleolu ei ole langenud.
aga otherwise. avastasime, et samas areas, kus me töötame, on tegelikult väga palju muud ka teha. näiteks.... eelmine nädal veetsime seal hispaanlastega meeldivalt aega. kes praeguseks kahjuks on juba töenäoliselt itaalias otsapidi. now to think of it, polegi väga tihe nädal olnud. pöhiliselt hängisime naabruskonna rahvaga. üks pakkus meile pooleks aastaks oma korterit. mis on awesome. imetilluke, aga nummi.
teletorni tahtsime ka minna, aga me ei saanud algul süsteemile pihta. tuleb välja, et seal on circa sama suur ootejärjekord, kui kuradi eiffeli taga. :D ostad pileti ja ootad poolteist tundi, et ylesse saada. no teine kord siis, it's not like it's gonna disappear or anything.
niisiis...täna on reede. esimene waba reede siin linnas. järelikult peab linna peale minema.
11.8.12
doopydoo
Morning (it is one, kui sul on öötöö klubis)...erm...njah speaking of which, me oleme vist promoted, sest seitsmest sai kümme. ja mönes möttes masendab weel rohkem. et mille eest raha antakse...kuula mussi, jölgu ja ole ilus, joo tasuta alkoholi ning muuseas wea möni jope ära vöi aita mönel junkiel peldik yles leida. kontimurdev v mis.
hmm..whatelse. basically. me elame koos lesbist lastekirjaniku, itaalia mingi-pifiga ja homo fotograafiga. kellest viimast me pole nädala jooksul isegi näinud mitte. lesbi peseb pesu ja sööb alaaaatiii samal ajal, kui meie seda tahame. tüüpilised kooseksisteerimise eksistentsiaalsed probleemid.
üleeile crashisime köpis koos karja hispaanlastega. mingi niisama, olime kasulikud, joppamise peale saime neile öömaja. et siis...köik kulgeb meeldivalt lihtsalt vahelduseks ja erilist sitta öhus ei haista. tho peax ikkagi normaalse töö leidma vöi sotsiaalvörgustikku laiendama (vöi in general lihtsalt omama). mis tähendab vist seda, et täna on laupäew ja on aeg linna peale minna ^^
6.8.12
berliner
nonii, saime neti taha löpux. meie kirjanikust roomie ilmus välja, kellel oli ainsana wifi parool. anyway. meie kodanikud berliinlased elame kaunis rajoonis called karlshorst. mitte et see kellelegi midagi ytlex, aga igatahes. in case wondering...köik on superb. mingil maagilisel kombel me JUBA saime töö. mis ilmselgelt on suht saast, aga sitase techno ööklubi garderoobi eest 7 eurtsi tunnis saada, on ....masendav, kui eesti ja eestlaste peale möelda.
täna hakkasime miskitel saksa keele kursustel ka käima. (tasuta!)
ee...ma ei tea. berliin on awesome. in all possible ways. köike on ja palju. ja enamik asju on rämedalt odavad...söök-jook i mean. and people are friendly, not grumpy.
ja ilm on fab.
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