Panic

...24.3.7

Saaremaa, all alone and schizophrenia sneaks back to the drunken one. it better be the very last, or i'll skip that place for sure. luckily now, i'm back home, safe with familiar things, that wish me good. still....

I just can't take this. I'm so fucking afraid, i can't sit in my bed, i can't go anywhere. Ma olen lihtsalt siin, kus alati olen olnud, aga ma ei taha seda enam mitte kunagi, sest see on nii õudne. Ma ajasin tassi ymber, kui halb see saab olla maailmale. See ajab mind närvi, kuigi ma ei tunne mitte midagi. Aga mida see kellelegi teisele tähendab. Ma ei suuda keskenduda. Mingi tilkuv hääl on kuskil, ja ma kardan. Ma ei suuda taluda saart. See on tõesti faking õudne, ma peaksin midagi tegema, aga ma kardan igat liigutust. Kõik on märg, igal pool on kuradi kylm vesi, ma ei saa lihtsalt olla. Kuulan jälle oma lugu, aga see keskkond on nii ängistav. Kui ma enam ei saagi sellest ära, siiia ma pean lõppema, tegelikult. Mul on nii ideaalne maailm, mis ei puutu siia, mul on nii perfektne armastuslugu, millesse ma isegi ei usu, kuigi see illusioon tundus nii tõeline. Ja täna mul tuli again this panic attack i havent had for a while now. I thought they had left me. Like i had cured, im free.... i was so sure, that now im...someone else, that i used to be, but...tonite we were driving around with ppl i kno, in places i know...and the fear attacked as bad as ever. I just dont want to live like this any more. I have to escape ...or i have to make peace with it. In which, i seriously dont belive in. Gosh, im so fckn scared, i dunno am i able to sleep tonight, am i able to come back. Minge perrssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee.....minge kõik persse, kes te mind tagasi toote, minge ka teie persse, kes te seal olete, ma ei taha elada hirmuga. Ma ei taha olla minuga, sest see inimene, kes ma olen siin, ei usu millessegi, ega tunne midagi. Seal ma juba hakkasin olema...kuid see kuradi hingede surnuaed viib mu vägisi tagasi surmanuhtlusesse. Oi, kuidas ma tahaksin nutta taga oma olematut lapsepõlve ja oma usku maailmasse, aga ma ei saa....ainus mida ma saan teha, on olla tugev ja näidata teistele ilu. ........................ma kardan seda kuradi kohta, mis röövis minult lapsepölve, minu usu, i'm fucking arfaid of this place, every aspect of it, it took my faith, my childhood, my hopes. I have nothing besides ....the chance to show someone else which it's really worth. I just ...want to believe that some other place hasn't done the same thing as it has done to me. I for example am so ...afraid that i can't evan go outside alone in the dark. .....................................................i won't come back alone. I won't. Whatever it takes, i won't. I don't have to take last of me for NOBODY else. You're not.....

poets of the fall

3 am and once again it's all the same. more like 1 o'clock, just the song i'm listening. suits my mood. i don't know, what i have become, i don't know where i'm headed and it doesn't even matter. i just know that there are things i must let go, already have, as hard as it is to admit. life moves by me. i still stay the same, even though i don't. i also move, but i don't see it. i don't think of me much, never have. sure, i'm a poser, doing my thing. but is my thing? whatever you call it. i have messed up bad, trying my best to make a world a better place now. i really am. i want to offer more. i want to be remembered by all the good things, not the bads. i think, there are more of those goods. antisociality hits out again. i have nothing to say to anyone, because they don't matter. places and faces change, only writings remain. i want to believe. i do believe. this must have been the best thing that has happened to me. sure, i have said it more than once, back then it was true, now i know better. if you see it, you recognize it. and it makes me so fucking scared. i don't want to lose, no more. how much can one take this. maybe this time i'll win and have it all. but if the fear breaks in...it's already ruined. i shouldn't think that. i should give up on me. everyone who know me, know i gave up many years ago, that's exactly why, i have to make it the best for the ones, who haven't. though i don't really know, who has and who hasn't. never mind even. even if, they have lost the faith, it's my responsibility ti bring it back. the love, the freedom, the silence....the freedom to love, the freedom to be silent and not to fear. stop searching, because it's right there, it had always been, just the time wasn't right.
3 am it all seems alright. why shouldn't it be. everyone deserves to be happy. specially the ones you love. not even the ones, just one. i haven't been so calm for a long time. i mean, like...in a period of life. i finally feel, i'm doing the right thing. but if even that is not enough, i just keep trying and trying, nothing to do about it anymore, no turning back. like i said, i'm already gone. all i have left in life is my ability to heal. maybe one day i can wake up and say i nailed it. maybe this day has dawned already. honestly, i stopped searching. said that before too, but...this is the last time, the last place, the last face, i'll get involved myself. i want to be best for someone, might be, that i am, i know she is, so it gets harder and harder to let go. and i don't have to. once you reach the maximum, that one person can offer, there is no need to continue searching for others. you just make the best of it...or stop. couldn't be better. couldn't be better...

i sometimes wonder...do people think like that. do they...know that there are dimensions, that it's not all about finding something good and just living with it. do they know, that it's way higher and has more meaning. do they know, that it's never about theirselves and it's all about theirselves, because we are all the same. do they really know that what goes around comes around, that everything they do, they do to themselves. do they know that the world we live in is an ilusion. i don't think they do. they see the sunset, it's just the sunset, but it's everything, because there is no another. they hear a song, the say it's a good one, but it's the best, because there is no other, that is the only and first and last one. aren't they lucky, if there is another first snowflake and the last autumn leaf? i don't know, but i'm so fucking grateful, that i learned to look at them, nothing else really doesn't matter. and i think to myself, aren't i fucking lucky, that i have a reason to write all this crap that no one ever sees, i have a reason. this time i won't spread it to the world, i'll keep it to myself.
thousand of kilomteres between, once again. i don't feel sad. ...well i do, who am i lying to, but. really. there's nothing wrong. it's just...so pure. i won't let anything taint it. something needs to be kept pure and to myself. and this is where it could end. simply.
well. it's soon really going to be 3 am if i won't go to sleep. ...i even have dreams now. i see the sun and the meadows in my dreams. and i don't worry, and i'm always smiling. isn't it just....

The Mirror ^^

The time has reached to the level of 3 am in the morning. As usual, I'm not sleeping. Actually it's not about the lack of sleep or the next day bothering me. It's just something I have to cope with before I can call it a day. It has made me wonder about for weeks, maybe even months, now. What exactly is it, that has made me lose all my questions and the need of having answers. In the beginning I took it has a fase, a temporary thing that really doesn't matter and make any sence anyway. But probably, quite certainly more like, it's just the opposite, that i assumed.

So today, hanging at the teletorn, I started thinking of the symbols. The teletorn refers to some kind of a lost memories and the past, that few of us really remember or connect with. Sitting there got me closer to the feeling of endings and pulling strings together, because it is standing there. It's never going anywhere, that's for sure, everyone sees it, everyone look at it, maybe think of it as the prettiest thing, maybe get revolted by it, but it doesn't matter. The teletorn is still there, with all the past and not much of a future. So, if I'm this very moment sitting next to it the first time, it has to mean something. And I got disturbed, symbolic maniac as I am.

Getting back home, to the typical routine of other peoples life I not much consider myself in, was kind of hard. I knew there was a thing, that wanted to say something to me, but I simply didn't understand. I took it negative for sure. Things like that usually are. Hours and hours later dragged myself upstairs with my pack of cigarettes to have the last smoke and take the defeat, it hit me. Not all of a sudden, but step by step I got to the bottom of the case. The teletorn thing again, it's not the point, but it led me there. It stands there, right. But the angle was wrong, completely. Lets concentrate on the past, then we can understand the future. Shortly it wasn't the forgotten memory of something I'd never understand. It stands there for the freedom. It still does.

I got clinging to the word freedom. Freedom means something reachable and unreachable in the same time. And it's the duality that people really aim for. I mean what to do with freedom, if there's no one to share it with. Simply teletorn turned from negative to positive, but again, what was it's point. The thing slappes me in the face with all that information and I'm to ignorant to accept and analyze. So I had no other chance, than just sit down and let it out. Me and my companion started discussing it. Started from cheesy topics, everyday life, like why things are like they are, and why aren't they the other way around. Sure things happen for a reason, not bringing the fatal crap into this, of course, but is this, what we really thought of, when we began the journey. I got to the level of understanding, that yes, I am rather close to the picture that I imagined. I lived the progress fast, maybe faster, than I should have, but that's not, what gave me the hard time anymore. That case is closed.

Getting closer to the point, I felt. I had to figure it out now or never, as they say. So my basic progression to the perfectionism is reaching to the end, the freaking teletorn is still standing, still, you fit to the picture how exactly. Too tired and mentally too old to just kill time and fool around, without visions of what's going to happen next, it made me sort of frustrated. (This is getting way too long, I know.) there has to be meaning beyond the surface, otherwise I wouldn't be here writing this. Walsch and Coelho are saying that people get, what they believe in getting, others say people are searching somekind of a other half. Got to agree and disagree with all of them. Yes, people get, what they believe in getting, and there are soulmates what so ever, but faith isn't everything and there are actually tens of soulmates, just the perspective is, what changes and quite often. So it still leaves us the basic.

Then I remembered the simple word pair of 'my mirror' and I was striked by the lightning. It's not about finding the perfect match at all, it's all about finding the person, who reflects you right back the way you are. If you lose the questions, it's natural, because what sort of questions are there to ask anyway from the clear image of yourself. Mirrors, as we know, don't lie. What you see, is what you get. Answers don't matter also, still you just look and see. From time to time reflections change, that explains, why many things, that seem perfect, don't last. The both sides of the mirrrors have to still reflect the same thing or else it's just gone. Then again, people love to lie to themselves and pretend to be someone they're not, like reflect the other person not being themselves, because it might just suit better. Simple example maybe. Why is a ugly person together with a pretty person? Don't give me that crap of being beautiful inside, no one really looks inside, if the surface is unpleasant. First thing could be that the pretty one doesn't think, that he or she is pretty, then there you go. It's what you give, it's what you get. Or then again, he or she could just reflect the compassion, that the ugly one desperately is searching for. Funny, and often people wonder, why I'm the one, who always gets the gorgeous people around me. Makes it quite simple now, huh.

I mean, there's like plenty more, where this came from, but is this really neccessary. The main point is, I luckily got the chance to write a story, without no ending of course, also got the point of teletorn standing there and why the hell I have no questions about anything anymore. I just have the perfect reflection (leaving out all the emotional side) and I'm happy with that information. Even if I fucking break the mirror, it's not like, I didn't see it or take the maximum out of it. I love, what I see and remember the perfect reflection ^^

There you go, nightie night to the sleepy city and schweetest dreams to us. It's 4 am now.