ties

as funny as it is, you apparently cannot live a different life you're supposed to live. it takes just one big fucking painful exhausting circle, to find yourself back in the same point, where you started off. its something like being lost in the woods and not finding way out, meeting the same spots again and again, having this nagging feeling, hey, i have most certainly been here before.
so, that happened. it wasn't that much of a Mandela or dimensional. it was very much human behaviorism. in the nastiest way there is clearly, full off text book cliches. imagine investing your time, energy, all your resources, to make some shit work and yet it doesn't, because it's based on lies, secrets, neglect, oblivion. i mean, yes, it makes you feel like dumped in the bottom a basement, when you find out that you have been cheated on and lied; all of you, all your beautiful self, meant nothing in the end of the day. yet its liberating. you know your gut feeling was right and you're worth so much more. you are beautiful and you are amazing creature, because you did absolutely nothing wrong. you sacrificed and made compromises. your conscious is clean, you're pure as an infant. that's how you can move on back to the beginning of the circle, with no negative feelings, because you gave nothing away to the dark side, there is no need to recover, because all you did, was give and care. you were the one, who was never appreciated.
this could have been hit of my own karma, for all the things i did in the past. but all i know, that this probably was the last of it. i have done nothing immoral, not even questionable decisions for the past two years. i wonder what future has in store for you?
i wish no harm, even questionable hateful thoughts aren't my thing anymore. i have grown to the person i wanted to be, i make my choices based solidly on what i believe in. and i sincerely do believe in happy ends and things will be, what they're meant to be.
the only thing i have lied about is, how i feel. then again, everybody has the right to have that place in them, to  sometimes take out in lonely nights and admire it. what is yours, only yours.
i will never forget the summer eve, when sun was in the glitters. the moment that was forever. when you recognize all you have ever wanted.
and you know what, i don't need to. everything just takes off, where it was left behind. maybe this time only wiser and more grateful.

Istun Helsinkis pargis öösel oma koeraga, kuulanVennaskonda. See on vist midagi, mida ma elust tahtsin, et õnnelik olla.

Mu koer on tõesti kaunis. Kui mu elu ei olegi, siis mingid valikud elus, on vaimustavad. Kui ma vaid saaks jagada õnne ja õnnetust,

Ma tõesti elan vales kümnendis...

mandela friday

last night i had millions of thoughts i wanted to write down. now they seem trivial. not sure, if even real. the point was something as typical and existential as it usually is. some crap about universe shifting last year spring and how it changed my life from one dimension to an other. well, it really did and i stick to that. did it change to desired direction..maybe. we are not the ones to judge. but it eats me inside. every day and still, was it a choice? i mean considering we live in a simulation, do we even have a choice or are we simply played.

that's not what i wanted to write about at all.
i sort of meant, i have become really really numb. comfortably numb. i don't literally have any dreams or motivation or ambition. and yet i'm not depressed or down. i'm just aimless. in a way life has never been better. i live in this idyllic neighborhood, where grandmas come patting your dog, yes there is a dog, strangers smiling while passing. probably you can even leave your car unlocked and windows open, when you leave. that cliche suburb shit. also i have reached from a child through a struggle to growth to struggle again to conveniently semi child again. meaning i have exactly zero bills on me. i have not a single fucking worry in my life financially.

why, then why, am i comfortably numb. what ruined me? was it the dimension shifting, is it because it was so obvious and glittery and sparkling like predator tearing an unicorn into pieces. visually painful and unforgettable. some part of me never lets go the dimension i was supposed to live in. or any part, what so ever.

or was it few months later, when i had the most revealing and naked journey of my existence. every memory, every picture was torn. dissembled. misplaced. its too long and too personal to try to verbalize it. paint a picture, name it creation of everything. virtually, everything.
but as we know, as you question everything, it becomes nothing. or something. which is which.

basically i have had inner battle of this for some time now. it quite differs from all the conflicts i've had earlier. fundamentally speaking, i stick to the time irrelevance theory and parallel universes and infinity. but. concept of me, it changed. i'm no more center, i'm...i don't know anymore. just a digital code perhaps.

i don't know are living the lives that we are supposed to. if we aren't, what was our actual destination. there is so much talk about mandela effect lately. so i can't be clearly only one thinking this. obviously not. the most common examples, even i remember.

well, nothing we can ever do about it. just the stupid feeling, that i want my life back. this one is different and uncomfortable, i don't know who i am anymore. time will make adjustments. just, i miss me sometimes.