another thing i wondered about. how often we say 'i'm too old for this shit'. that is what i thought was true, but it actually isn't. i'm not sure if our mind or body actually ages as we assume it does. people keep saying i look ten years younger than i am. why is that? partly because i personally have never given much fuck of maintaining. meaning i haven't been to gym since i had it next to my dormitory and for free, which makes now 10-11 years ago. i haven't really stayed away from particular things, either food, alcohol, tobacco, substances. i haven't really thought, that one day it will revenge me.  or god forbid, one day i will be old.
i have had periods of experimenting with extreme. as going vegan for a year, now trying out the dry spell 1,5 months. results with limiting are quite same as not building invisible cages.
i remembered this crisp january morning in 2006, when i took bottles to the store to get money for ferry ticket and cigarettes to hitch-hike to another city 330 kilometers away to meet this girl i had only briefly spoken on social media. it was minus 27 degrees and it took me 8 hours to get there. no guarantees that we would even like each other. i had no money, no place to sleep and yet i did it.
would i do it now? no.
that's exactly, when i would say, oh you know i'm too old for this kind of adventure.
i call bullshit.
the only thing that has truly changed, is once again attitude. twelve years ago i just didn't have the package of rejection, disappointment, experiences. so now here we are always thinking of pros and cons of every situation. i would go out tonight, it might be fun, but it also might be very average. it will most definitely cost money and probably i won't feel so superb tomorrow. so guess its not worth it. that's how mind works now, saying no to everything before giving it a chance. not because of being old and tired, just because of comparing every single aspect to past. yet that's all it is, just past experiences, that will never be again.

...and suddenly i've been extremely down and low. nothing feels right, everything is stuck, i'm not going anywhere and i don't want to stay here either. the eternal arctic of emotions came way later than it was supposed to. all the birds are singing and shit is jolly, days are as long as 8 pm already. and i'm thinking, what if i wasn't anymore. my winter came in spring. well truth to be told, it is fucking snowy outside, but still.
and i don't have a valid reason to stress over, well.. everything. and also in the other hand, i'm numb. or in constant emotional roller-coaster of daydreaming of possibilities, tripping down the memory lane, beating myself down for wrong turns, basically...being completely lost and out of contact with true essence what i need to do.

and that was yesterday. just a rampage i drafted, because it was too whiny even for me. but there was some truth to it. the fact that everything is negative in my head, shows something. it shows that it comes all from within. surroundings have always been like that, work has always sucked on some level, relationships work or don't work out, that is also not new. everything is in its perfect loop of ups and downs. so question is, why i see it so dark suddenly, if its always exactly like this and there is no-matter-what silver lining and pot of gold in the end of the rainbow.
we discussed it with my roommate for hours to end up to the conclusion, we are spoiled and ungrateful. we have somehow gotten our expectations so high, that we can't accept every day grey anymore. its not even grey to be honest, we live a dream of billions of people, literally. we have all the necessities, comforts, opportunities and liberties some can never have. we can do whatever the fuck we want, actually.
along the way we just forgot how to have fun and enjoy simple things, be happy for what we have achieved and how long way we have come.
i feel i'm too hard on myself. the fact is i am exactly where i am supposed to be in this point of life. even though it might seem i'm standing still, i have evolved tremendously in every aspect. i don't really need to compare or write out points. its not a competition, we are not the same. i am here because my own journey brought me here and every next step is connected to the previous one i have chosen. so yes, why am i feeling negative about my own choices and my own place in my route. it doesn't really make sense, does it.

we decided that instead on concentrating on irrelevant, its time to make a mental note every single day, what was good, what was positive about the day. it is just question of angle. to see the grey or to see the colors.

my life is not eternal arctic. it is actually pretty good. i have absolutely nothing to complain about. as i am living a dream of billions, i should live perhaps mine too. which some point was obviously this. exactly this, to think of it. which means, be patient. Everything comes to you, in the right moment.