aerodrome

Past few weeks have held countless battles, internal and external ones. not even knowing anymore which affects me more, the civil war size domestic situation or inner doubts. every day starts off with a different vibe, some mornings i'm full of fight, rise and shine, you got this. next one i'm down on the ground and can't breathe because of my own fear choking me. yesterday was one of those minus days. not even flight. to the point, i thought i might be losing my mind. almost typed in google search 'do i have a mental illness?' and watching mr. robot sure did not help that state. i was afraid of waking up to new dawn having the same basement eeriness.
and what do you know, nothing like that. i started off missing avril lavigne and spent hour or two watching the good old conspiracy theories. it has strange way of soothing my restless soul. like not all is what it seems and there are miles beyond the surface. which lead me to astrology, which lead me to tarot. which lead me to now fourth hour of predictions of the year 2019. and i must say, it is going to be a blast, divine blessing as they mentioned. the whole post sounds schizophrenic, i realize now, but little do i care, what anyone's humble opinion of my beliefs is. (avril is dead.)
2019 beginning prediction has matched with three different readings spot on. i am strongly convinced rest will follow. i'm not going to bother myself going into detail, because it doesn't mean shit for anyone else anyway.
But the general idea behind it all. i don't ever have to go through this slow death march again. this part will be and will remain buried. no shiny surface, no telling myself, that maybe it was quite alright - it wasn't. it was a shitshow. it was fake and it was shallow, there is no soul, there is no connection, its empty vessel, that tries to be filled with lies. am i bitter? absolutely not. i'm so relieved, that it was just a necessary part to go through before i actually start living my life again. winter, if you will. hibernation cave, where you shit and sleep and wait for the spring. to start melting  and growing again in full speed.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, i thought this was eternal state of being, this nothingness and numbness, need to please every fucking inbred moron around me. but no, this is not it.
it was a crappy airport to a connecting flight.
funny how metaphors can take years and in split second it feels like a fraction of time. 

location synchronized

environmental anxiety.
now that my own thoughts are clear, instead of being liberated, i am even more tip toeing on egg shells. it genuinely feels like a bad trip. all those unicorns and glitter, candy mountains and bright lights, pink fluffy clouds and ...bullshit katy perry video - is stripped down to a nightmare.
it tries to sink its claws into your flesh, whispering in your ear, that you're nothing, you will fail.
gaslighting. most definitely gaslighting.
i have exhausted my mind so long trying to do the right think in every situation. be better. be good.
it is a charade. i'm jokingly or not, not far from theory that maybe this, simply does not exist. your relationship has been a lie. you just see things, because your own mind plays tricks. all dimensions within the dimension have also been delusions.

paranoia talk aside and in all seriousness,
its easy to see the sugarcoated version of a place, if in truth it has absolutely nothing to offer and its as shallow as you can go. indeed very similar to hallucinogen trip - the length, the depth, the levels and eventually...the fall.
but that's all  it is. longer version of a bad trip. and as far as i know, all trips end and one point its time to return to reality and start living your life again. go back to work, have late night conversations, connect, detox, purify.