exploited

when some areas in life are slowly taking its shape, then others blow up in your face. i've been furious, i've been shaking of anger, feeling empowered and degraded. so far that i have started to doubt, maybe i am a toxic person, a narcissist, a psychopath. or maybe its just how some people develop to be, if they are actually not compatible. we started off being something else, grew to be best friends and it has reached to the point, that we cannot co-exist in same room anymore. and its sucking life out. i have gone through a spectrum of feelings, to come to a conclusion, all sorts of human relations actually do have a expiration date. as they say some are here for a reason, some for season, some for a life time. i never in my life thought this particularly is a season, but part of growing up, is admitting, that some things are meant to be let go. or perhaps it was also a reason, nothing less, nothing more.
it feels strange to break up with a friend. or someone whom you thought of as a friend, its times harder to realize that you are not working out, than ending an actual relationship. it is fairly new for me.
and yet again its part of remembering who you are and who you are becoming, where you stand. another nuance of human experience.
i sure hope this too will bring me closer to what i truly need within. 

years&years

I reckon I'm in an interesting place in my life right now. All that has been before has prepared me somehow to this very period that is happening and that is ahead of me. Nothing spectacular is happening on the surface, but inside I have transformed, resurrected, gone through metamorphosis. Yes, again I have become restless, trying to slip back to old rhythms and patterns, but the calmness of You has put my race horses in slower pace. You have taught and me made me re-remember importance of patience. Everything coming too easy, is not worth it - everyone knows that. I have a list of reasons in my head, that have not been right, I had to learn them painfully slow, to know, really recognize, who I am as a person and where I am headed. You somehow brought me back to trusting, blindly believing that not everyone lets you down eventually. I got to to the point of having strong moral code, 'who are you, when no one is watching?' type of questions, on my own. But letting down defense, trusting and knowing patience is power, that is something I needed guidance with. And I'm grateful, scared, but letting go of control and jumping in head first.
I am not trying to fill  any emptiness or patch holes in my soul, I have actually arrived to the wholeness to grow together.