Of every beautiful lie that I've been told
Yours is the one I like the most
Yours is the one that I hold so close
Give up the ghost, give up the ghost, give up the ghost
It was just one night, it was just one night
Now I can't get you off of my mind
It was just one time, it was just one time
Even if you'll never be mine
25.2.18
20.2.18
the year of the yellow dog has begun. i thought i was on the right path, but once again, mistakes were made. quite brutally.
i don't know is there a point to go in details. i'm just sick and tired of cleaning up mess. cleaning the kitchen morning after with a gag reflex. yelling at neighbors, even though clearly we were in wrong. looking at the bank account, that was fine before. hearing confessions, that should have happened years ago. almost loosing everything, that actually matters right now and right here. fighting negative thoughts, that come along. envy all the lives, that are together. this could be me, this could be my life. and if this isn't enough, lets take my mind into pieces, shatter it around and try to glue it back together. in conclusion, there is nothing new, there is nothing to rediscover, everything has been and it disgusts me. i lost my father to this for fuck sake. literally and almost 20 years of our lives.
if my last post wasn't wake up call, then this sure is. i am officially done. i'm done sugarcoating shit. i'm done pretending that destruction is fun. i wanted to become more spiritual, well, there is no spirit in destroying growth. all this is evil and wants us to withdraw from life. so no, i refuse.
i guess what i'm saying here, i thought mediocre is answer, but it isn't. there will always be peer pressure. maybe i am the peer pressure. someone has to be stone cold.
also its almost funny. for two weeks you have walked the line, being proud of yourself, getting your thoughts under control, seeing opportunities, to just fuck it up in a split of a second. that's how screwed up this all is.
but on the positive note, i have been happy for some time. hope has returned, colors are beautiful, existing is not a burden. love is all there is. and its not a delusion, because this i haven't blurred. i have kept the image pure and i shall water it, watch it grow into a magnificent flower.
i don't know is there a point to go in details. i'm just sick and tired of cleaning up mess. cleaning the kitchen morning after with a gag reflex. yelling at neighbors, even though clearly we were in wrong. looking at the bank account, that was fine before. hearing confessions, that should have happened years ago. almost loosing everything, that actually matters right now and right here. fighting negative thoughts, that come along. envy all the lives, that are together. this could be me, this could be my life. and if this isn't enough, lets take my mind into pieces, shatter it around and try to glue it back together. in conclusion, there is nothing new, there is nothing to rediscover, everything has been and it disgusts me. i lost my father to this for fuck sake. literally and almost 20 years of our lives.
if my last post wasn't wake up call, then this sure is. i am officially done. i'm done sugarcoating shit. i'm done pretending that destruction is fun. i wanted to become more spiritual, well, there is no spirit in destroying growth. all this is evil and wants us to withdraw from life. so no, i refuse.
i guess what i'm saying here, i thought mediocre is answer, but it isn't. there will always be peer pressure. maybe i am the peer pressure. someone has to be stone cold.
also its almost funny. for two weeks you have walked the line, being proud of yourself, getting your thoughts under control, seeing opportunities, to just fuck it up in a split of a second. that's how screwed up this all is.
but on the positive note, i have been happy for some time. hope has returned, colors are beautiful, existing is not a burden. love is all there is. and its not a delusion, because this i haven't blurred. i have kept the image pure and i shall water it, watch it grow into a magnificent flower.
4.2.18
godspeed
for months i have nothing to say and suddenly i have a lot.
i have noticed few things. i have been in pattern, i either feel utter shit or amazing, it goes down with a drink. i feel distressed or i feel bored, in the end of the day, it ends similar way. i never bothered to put my finger on it, i just knew i loved it and hated it equally. loved it while i was doing it and hated it, well, sometimes midway through, sometimes the next few days. obviously i have never considered it a problem, because it hasn't grown into one. i get things done, done good, not half-arsed. once in a while i think of myself as a warrior, after days of destruction, i tell myself, i can do this, i will survive...if i get through this day, i'm a goddamn hero.
and stop.
i'll stop myself right there. why the fuck, i need to survive? or suffer even? i have all my life hated deeply the main principle of christianity, that life is a suffering. my flagship has always been love of wisdom. and yet again i do against my own word. wasn't i becoming a buddha?
well in a way better late bloomer than never stumble upon your own truth.
on friday i had one of those crossroad moments. i felt nervous and same time excited, as any other person would feel before a date. something inside of me forced me to step up and deal with it. after being offered a glass of wine multiple times, to get my cool back, i suddenly saw, what that is all about. its not getting anything back, its basically denying yourself, being someone else. being different. why would i want to be different, if someone goes out with me. i pulled myself together, refused and walked the road. the path was clearer than expected. somewhere in between i slipped, not because of need, more out of a habit. it took quite little time to understand, how wrong i have been all my life with blurring the reality. and with that, simply not living in present. i want to sense you, feel you, taste you, smell you, not have a faint memory of the night. i need to remember your expressions, tone of your voice, remember the details, not possess them as i thought they were.
the next day passed under the same moon and so did the following.
and now when weekend has passed, some of us doing it their way, some of us doing it the other way. i see myself in them, yet i am out of the pattern. tomorrow i will be young and beautiful, fresh prince of the first day of the rest of my life.
i won't become backwards, join a cult or build a box around me. absolutely not. i just figured i am by now old enough to take responsibility of my own feelings. some things are not meant to be run from.
see, i had a notion of this year being life changing. i am already impressed.
thank you universe, that was very nice of you.
i have noticed few things. i have been in pattern, i either feel utter shit or amazing, it goes down with a drink. i feel distressed or i feel bored, in the end of the day, it ends similar way. i never bothered to put my finger on it, i just knew i loved it and hated it equally. loved it while i was doing it and hated it, well, sometimes midway through, sometimes the next few days. obviously i have never considered it a problem, because it hasn't grown into one. i get things done, done good, not half-arsed. once in a while i think of myself as a warrior, after days of destruction, i tell myself, i can do this, i will survive...if i get through this day, i'm a goddamn hero.
and stop.
i'll stop myself right there. why the fuck, i need to survive? or suffer even? i have all my life hated deeply the main principle of christianity, that life is a suffering. my flagship has always been love of wisdom. and yet again i do against my own word. wasn't i becoming a buddha?
well in a way better late bloomer than never stumble upon your own truth.
on friday i had one of those crossroad moments. i felt nervous and same time excited, as any other person would feel before a date. something inside of me forced me to step up and deal with it. after being offered a glass of wine multiple times, to get my cool back, i suddenly saw, what that is all about. its not getting anything back, its basically denying yourself, being someone else. being different. why would i want to be different, if someone goes out with me. i pulled myself together, refused and walked the road. the path was clearer than expected. somewhere in between i slipped, not because of need, more out of a habit. it took quite little time to understand, how wrong i have been all my life with blurring the reality. and with that, simply not living in present. i want to sense you, feel you, taste you, smell you, not have a faint memory of the night. i need to remember your expressions, tone of your voice, remember the details, not possess them as i thought they were.
the next day passed under the same moon and so did the following.
and now when weekend has passed, some of us doing it their way, some of us doing it the other way. i see myself in them, yet i am out of the pattern. tomorrow i will be young and beautiful, fresh prince of the first day of the rest of my life.
i won't become backwards, join a cult or build a box around me. absolutely not. i just figured i am by now old enough to take responsibility of my own feelings. some things are not meant to be run from.
see, i had a notion of this year being life changing. i am already impressed.
thank you universe, that was very nice of you.
2.2.18
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)