13.4.16

spring mornings

my brain does wonders. have to go to work at 8, which is rare nowadays. didn't sleep at all, feeling like million dollars for no apparent reason.
this reminds me those gorgeous mornings seven years ago, when i watched the sunrise, while the whole world was asleep. it doesn't make sense, but i do see patterns. patterns that feel thousand miles away from where i stand today.
 then there was hope, there was...well everything was ahead actually. before all the shit. before all the failures. back then i took time to look at the sunrise and stopped to listen birds singing. what have i become in between. did i really forget, what was i all about, what was everything all about?

6.4.16

...well wow. when u least expect it...or have semi gaven up.
mosby wins

26.3.16

...note to myself. Stop giving potential fucks tequila. they do pass out in a blink of an eye.


XD

22.3.16

I'm cluelessly dwelling between Ted and Barney

15.3.16





....after 13 years of waiting(!!!), I finally saw Юлия Волкова. FCK YISH! much love, many wowz ^^,






1.9.15

The retard diaries continues.

I think it's about time to make some conclusions of recent happenings. to go to the very beginning and the very start of the brain damage i have to start with the evening i was hanging out with peepz in the gen bar. it was the usual, stinking like shit cause of three days in the kitchen, tired as fuck and getting down the third (or maybe the fifth) salmiakki...or was it minttu by that time. anyway..i started bitching about flow festival. like it's sad as hell that we cant go. apparently finnish shots changed my mind and the tickets were bought. which is also a fun fact, cause all the tickets were actually sold out like a month before the festival. so we got the ghost tickets.

so the next morning, after three hours of sleep, we went to tallinn. and on the ship. and i already started losing it cause of the language. but it's not even that funny anymore XD so that's that.
so we arrived to helsinki and came to our friends place, who of course lived three minutes from the festival.
okay...and now the adventure time starts. as we have this tradition to always get our friends abroad estonian vodka, we cracked the bottle open like 3 o'clock. after getting politely tipsy, we went to the home bar. got along quite too well with everybody, including the shots. so in one point friend was pissed and went home, so it was festival time for the rest of us. i'm not gonna start how amazing was major lazer and how shit was the festival itself, cause it's not about that. after the concerts we walked to friends place, called her and realized the fun fact, that her number was switched off, we forgot to take the keys and in finland they lock the front doors after 8. we assumed, we're gonna get in somehow and magically didn't even get lost. or so we thought. the gate was closed, we climbed it and started yelling like motherfckerz. she lives on the 6th floor, that didn't help. we banged on windows of the first floor, which was a bit embarrassing cause it was like 1 or 2. one nice lady let us in, he did his finnish magic and we were there. ....and yet we weren't. we were in the wrong building.
the shit started again, climbing the fence, annoying neighbors by yelling. but once again, we got in and we got up and...i think i took us like 2-3 hours to actually get in the apartment.

day two. the most important one. got up, continued with the usual. the bar and the festival - this time with keys of course. our grand plan was to go on years and years as we already knew that all the random bands are shit. got there, got stroke by the lightning....literally. saw the most amazing person on earth. and that hit me so hard by just looking at her once. and i knew this one goddamn concert is going to change my whole life and everything i know. all the time and the reasons were in that one tiny second. the rest is....not for share, who was there, was there. i'll just get the funny episodes down.

after the concert, there wasn't only two of us, we got ourselves a crew to bash the center. obviously the gay bar. which was quite typical scenery. but man, i loved it. one not very pleasant looking lesbian lady accused me spiking  her drink. i tried to explain extremely nicely all the reasons why it wouldn't be a possibility, but she was screaming like she was nuts. so told her to go fck herself of course and pointed out the fact that we were hot as fck and she was a crocodile.

after the bar our roads took us separate ways. he went to friends place and we went to her place. only to discover that she had lost her stuff. meaning the phone, the keys. had a slight de javu moment going on. plus the force of alcohol was strong in us. tried to call the lock services, but apparently that's impossible. after at least ten fights over the phone and three hours of freezing on the streets, my friend saved our ass and agreed to let us in. obviously she was right not to let a stranger in, whom i've met on a festival while drunk as hell. but she didn't know what i already knew. so thank you for the trust.
side note. she actally got her stuff back two days later. so that's how finland rolls.

then there was sunday. we knew we had to leave, cause we had work on monday. but then again, i knew i couldn't leave, even if wanted. which i didn't. i knew i love this city and people in it. so we did the opposite that that a normal person would do. after three days of puking and vodka and hangovers we dragged ourselves out, cause i had to see her again. it might sound easy, but we were literally dying. and we didn't get to the festival, cause it was really sold out. so in the spare time we got to know the place by visiting all the bars in the area. and then she came. and we had tequila and the rest is history.

on monday we really did leave. and these two weeks were a struggle. i knew i had to come clear and stop the lies. all of them. every single one i ever had. anyway, that's a different story, which ended more time ago, i realized.

on last wednesday we finally met in the middle. hanged out with my friends and did the usual things people do -  like have  dinners and smoke in a hotel room, empty the  mini bar and hang out in strangers luxury apartment with vodka and have a late night date at mcdonalds, drink in parks and almost get into a fight with a muslim on a street. the usual tallinn at its best. 
but then arrived friday and we were supposed to leave. and once again it never happened. for me at least. i had a second break up over a text, this time it was my job. so the two scary things weren't actually that scary after all. 
we missed the first ship and then almost the second one, by running on the wrong one. the guys who work on the ship asked where are we going, which they never do. that one actually was going to stockholm. so it was one minute too late and we would have ended up in a wrong country. 

we arrived to helsinki, bit too tipsy we should have and decided to have a beer in front of her front door. this guy from upstairs came out to hang with a guitar and everything was hilarious. couple of more guys passed by and sat down with us. dudes were singing and it looked like a tiny festival. until i realized the two strangers had disappeared with my bag. not the bag, where i keep my actual stuff, but the other one with dirty clothes in it. had a panic attack and cried a little. didn't know that changing my life would mean being naked in finland. 

the next day, wearing all her stuff, i had my first alone day, cause she was at her parents. hanged out with the friend in our home bar, listening to the sounds. felt somewhat like spain. alone day turned into a alone night, cause she missed the last bus. i discovered i'm pretty good with this place, never get lost and always know where i am. plus i've never been that drunk in my life. after few panic attacks still and greatest hangover in  history i accepted my fate. 

the next day we went out all together. everybody except me got crazy fcked and once again i had to drag at least one home cause two was physically too much to handle. reminding the fact that they live here and i've been here all together like a week, that has been hell of a lot of getting the locals home. which is funny, seriously. then after accidentally splitting up i found my friends phone from the street. its weird as hell how things get lost and reappear in here. 

anyway had another alone night. sitting at her place, tripping some years and years and blogging. kallio is home. apparently. who knew. 
just to make clear, what's seriously up these days. 

24.8.15

Retard diaries

today's retard highlight was forgetting about existence of torrents. good job brain! like cutting off few fingers and ignoring every single person on earth wasn't simply good enough. 
i seriously hope i wont drive to narva on wednesday. 

28.3.15

standby.....



....mitte midagi ei toimu. kõik on ooterežiimis. finantsglutter löppes, aga see on ka ainus intriig mu peas.
one thing is for sure, see üks öudne etapp hakkab ikkagi otsa saama. enough of the chess. vöi noh, mis male, males on reeglid. aega läks, kuid vähemalt hakkab laekuma, et see pask ei ole minu jaoks. on aeg, uusi uksi avama hakata. meaningful...
yea, anyway. kevad vöiks tulla....

3.2.15

younger

....it's so weird. viimasel ajal on kõik unenäod omanud nii epic essence'i, et ma ei raatsi neist lahkuda. iga kord kui ma poolvägisi luugi lahti venitan, ma mõistan, et see ei olegi uni tegelikult. kõik on pretty much right where it belongs. ma näen unes reaalsust.  kanalid on nii lahti, antennid on orbiidil, tundlad kõlguvad tuules...i feeeeeel each and every vibe. mõtted on värvilised and there's pattern in chaos.
it's like building up perfection, milles ei ole midagi juhuslikku. it feels like taking over everest.
i can only imagine the view....
vaatasin eile filme. "spectacular now" & "the fault in our stars"...truly great pieces. haakuvad fantastiliselt mu state of mindiga.

kohe varsti paneme söberiga kaarte. me tegime seda viimati juulis...ma mäletan weel selgelt tulemusi, siiani ei ole midagi teisiti läinud. huvitav, mis tuleb...kui ma näen visioone ilma kaartideta :D

Seinabo Sey - Younger (Kygo Remix)

26.1.15

25 jaanuar....

...oli mu ema synnipäew. öhtu enne seda mötlesin alks kotis kolksumas ja lumes töllerdades, suits hambus, et midagi olulist peab nyyd juhtuma. kui yldse kunagi, siis praegu, oleks praegu see hetk, kus usk maailmasse  vöiks taastuda.
...ja töesti. lumi pole ammu nii särav olnud ja värvid nii eredad. selles oli peaaegu midagi pyha.
aga never mind tho. ring sai täis. revelation polnud revelation, sest that IS just THAT. right where it belongs.
 *trippin' kygo*
 i see fire and counting starz
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
aga seda tahaks küll veel uue aasta saabumise puhul lisada. I WON.
no diggity.
high fiver to the crew ^^

Kyla La Grange - Cut Your Teeth (Kygo Remix)

Ed Sheeran & Passenger - No Diggity vs. Thrift Shop (Kygo Remix)

25.5.14

öös on asju

...kukkusin pooleldi lampi psühhotroopikat lugema. ja see oli hoopis midagi muud, kui ma ette kujutasin. seda võiks suisa mingiks ilmutuseks tembeldada. kohutavalt mõnusa tunde annab asja anonüümsus. ehk siis sisuliselt võisin see ju kasvõi mina olla, kes selle kirjutas. või sina. või tema. või olgem ausad, ega wahet polegi suurt, sest kõik see on teatavasti yx. mitte isegi niivörd universalimsi möttes, vaid sarnasuses ja möistmises. see on nii naljakas ja...lihtne. ma ei saa aru, miks ma enne nii palju muretsesin, miks ma ennast halvasti tundsin. nagu räpane kergelt. aga eks see ole vist ühiskond ja küüniline silmakirjalikkus, mis dikteerib pidevalt seda tunnet, et asju peab tegema nii ja mitte naa. köik on ettekirjutatud, mis rütmis asjad hingama peavad. ja kurat, ei pea. üldse ei pea, mitte midagi sinnakantigi. ja milleks need reeglid üldse tehti, kui need ei tööta. sama rumal näitemäng ja täpselt samad libastumised. nii öelda libastumised. ja ikka välja ei tulda, liiga hirmus vist tundub pärismaailm beebisilmadele.
tegelikult see tunne on mind juba mitu päewa waldanud. selline kergelt ärev, kuid samas nii rahulik, peaaegu teraapiline. eriti tugev oli see reede öösel, kui me keset rüütli tänavat inimesi vaatasime. mängisime oma vanad head lollust: nikuks/ei nikuks. ma täheldasin kohe, et midagi oli teisiti, ma ei möelnud kordagi meeldivuse aspektile, vaid lihtsalt jälgisin, kuidas inimesed käituvad, nende liigutusi. ja kuigi köik oli mängureeglite kohaselt ebasümpaatne, olid nad hoopis huvitavad. vöimalik, et ma olen kaotanud mingitlaadi kriitikameele, kahtlustan pühapäewa möjutusi siiani. ja juba see teadmine, teadmine selle vöimalikkusest, muudab olukorra millekski enamaks kui lihtne keemiline kokteil. alkohol ei ole näiteks kuu aega enam samas vötmes olnud. mis on isenesestmöistetavalt tore. vöib-olla peale vaadates jääb mulje, et midagi pole muutunud, aga tegelikult on sisu teine. kurb on natuke vaadata, kuidas keegi teine ei saa aru, mis teisiti on. sest nemad köik on ju....mis muud, kui osa yhiskonnast. nad vöivad rääkida abstraktselt, mis on öige vöi vale (vöi tegelikult, mis siis yldse wale on?), aga käituvad jätkuvalt mustritena ja mutritena. ma saan aru, seda ei saagi taibata, sest see on kohutavalt pikk teekond. ja kohutav ei ole negatiivne. ja teekond ei tähenda ka pärale jöudmist. neverending roads.
mis ma nyyd selle köigega öelda tahan. vöib-olla seda, et maailm on pidevas muutumises, silmaga nähtav maailm. ja köik see, mis tundus mugav ja wajalik, on tegelikult ammu vanaks jäänud ning ei kehti.
aga eks minagi mängin reeglitekohaselt, kunix ma saan aru, möni sessioon hiljem siis ehk, kuidas väljaspool reeglirägastikku mängida.
kena öö jätku ja aitäh psühhotroopikale, mis töi välja ühisosa.

13.5.14

terve päew on kulunud yhe imbetsilli blogi sirvides. ma ei oma halli aimugi, miks kurat mul seda waja oli. kerge pohmakavine eilsest punapäisest litsist ja vihmane teisipäew ehk. igatahes tabasin end hoopis introspektiivi pealt ja ketrasin natuke iseenda ajas tagasi. once in a while see on vist wajalik, et olevikus selgusele saada. tundub, et ei ole targemaks saanud. kuigi töde on nina all, on waja ikka sorkida waledes.
vöi mis siis täpsemalt walegi on. never mind. igatahes. eeldusel, et weel on stalkereid. siis
riimäel on läänerindelmuutusteta. nagu alati. yx porno löppeb, teine algab ja löppkokkuvöttes on see sama porno juba mitu aastat kestnud. aga elame-öpime. kui muud, siis see koht on vähemalt öpetanud kannatlikkust ja teadmist, et jah, inimesed on töepoolest idioodid. ja manipuleerimine ei ole yldse nii out, kui aus poiss wahepeal romantika raames arvas. söjas on köik lubatud. kuuldavasti ka armastuses, aga selles ma eriti kindel ei ole. seal on siiski reeglid. haaah. nojah.
besides that. möni nädal tagasi harrastasime pirxi juures rämedat ossipidu ehk siis synnipäewa, sisuga sitt muusika, toredad inimesed, ugly cross-dressing ja radioaktiivne tynnisaun. iseenesest funfun yritus, aga kiskus niivörd pikale, et iseenda ees hakkas piinlik oma tegude pärast. inimese vari hakkas juba kehast lahkuma. ja minipuhkusele proper punkt pannes, hakkas kohale laekuma, et ma olen mingil odd reasonil kohutavas koguses alkoholi tarvitanud lähiaegadel. ja reaalsuse katsumine tundus juba hägune unistus. oli waja panniga pähe saada ja mutta kukkuda, et taibata, kus on piirid. ja kuidas nendega käituma peab. siiani pole enam mälukaid olnud, yhiskonda pole ohustanud, käitun enam-vähem nagu viisakas inimene. ja oi yllatust, maailm tundubki kohe loogilisem paik, kui perspektiiv paika loksub.
kui päris aus olla, siis tahax millestki muust kirjutada. aga kurat vötax, nagu ajaloos ketramine näitas, siis käi palun perse ja hangi elu. samade rehade otses tolknemine hakkab juba wanaks saama ja yhel ilusal päewal vöix suureks ka kasvada. ja noh. sellega ma sisuliselt preagu tegelen. enese terve analyysimise ja improvemisega.
kui järele möelda, siis praktiliselt polegi lähiajaloos midagi märkimisväärset toimunud. sotsiaalne ylejoomine ja samad kohad, uued näod. rahulik tavalise tartlase elu. kui kevadtuuled välja arvata, siis on tegelikult köik isegi päris hästi. keegi minema pole jalutanud, uued söberid tekkisid ka pilti, wanad on alles :D väikekodanlik, kuid kena.
ega polegi vist midagi intrigeerivat lisada, ringi ei liigu ja ajalugu ei tee, kasvatan patse ja kassi :P

25.9.13

...täna kuu aja pärast tuli esimene lumi
ja ...

22.9.13

Iz funny. Kui hakata mötlema, siis need laulud, mida sa kuulad suhte alguses, on ikkagi need, mis annavad möista, mis juhtub. Oli "somebody i used to know", yeasayer "one" and million other depressing things....ja siis tulid sia "my love", "on our way", "american"...and then ur glad u picked lana....or lana picked u. And then u know.... :D







19.7.13

post pask

apparently ma ei teadnud, et mul wahepeal stressskasss oli. väljendus see as usual vaikuses, muusika mitte kuulamises ja hyperaktiivses huvis porno wastu. eile hakkasin pärast kuu aega maha joomist uuesti muusikat kuulama.
...teen järelduse, et see oli eelneva järeltöuge. ehk siis jah post pask. tallinna panoraam ja tünnilöke awas mu rahulolutsakrad. inimesed on jälle ilusad ja head, linnas jalutamine on okei ja pudel ei ole kohe avades pooltühi.
visuaalselt ja väliselt on köik juba mönda aega awesome ja better than ever. sisemus jöudis ka nyyd järgi. sest köik ongi täpselt nii nagu paistab ja paremgi weel.
usun inimkonda ja saatusesse ja ettemääratusse ja see on tähtedesse kirjutatud. ja best is yet to come ja köik on vöimalik.
beat that shit motherfuckers