get it right

in the mellow flow of cleanse, i started to realize the toxins are not the only things that cloud my mind. instead of having huge piles of energy and motivation, i felt like something is holding me in its grip.
i honestly don't know exact moment, when something inside of me changed. but i knew that this weekend was last drop.
i have come to conclusion, that i have had too many relationships in my past, that i have just kept out of habit, fear, comfort, convenience -  you name it. all the wrong reasons.
and that made me think, what are right reasons to end something. like reasons far from someone cheating or beating you up.
i don't have a ranking, but first thing that pops to my mind is not listening. imagine enthusiastically telling a stupid story from your childhood, remembering great times of university, something that has been part of you and made you what you are this day. and then the other part just cuts you off to have all the attention on sale in garbage shop or not-so-funny-meme. i can't help than compare, that am i really this boring. clearly i don't mean cutting someone off, because a white tiger crossed the street, more like no light in eyes every single time i open my mouth.

jealousy. again, not the real one even, that someone is texting you, you act shady, you disappear and lie. that kind of jealousy, that you sit behind your laptop with a mug of coffee, choosing what movie to watch on sunday evening and the other half starts 'jokingly' ask whether you went out with someone because instead of sweatpants you had jeans on earlier. it seems funny, but defending yourself constantly without any reason just gets you eventually. 
which leads me to another point.

over-analyzing. facial expressions, tone of voice, what and where you're looking at, too long silences. this hit me like matrix does. i feel i have to be a robot puppet, not to give away my true essence. everything is interpreted into everything else it actually was. while i was reading random advertisement on the wall, i was actually staring at some average looking girl walking pass it. while i was staring in nothingness, thinking about what to eat while watching netflix, i was actually telling you with my face, that you're a stupid bitch. something like that.

also, my biggest favorites are always 'never' and 'always'.
this literally needs copy paste. link

“Always” and “Never” statements are popular delivery vehicles of FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. The intention is often to:

Put the recipient in a defensive posture. (Fear)

Make the recipient feel responsible for the problem. (Obligation)
Make the recipient feel sorry for the other person. (Guilt)

“Always” and “Never” statements can leave you feeling invalidated, unappreciated, disoriented and guilty, or have you scrambling to justify your own behavior.

it seriously puzzles me, how can anyone say those wonderful words in the first place, if 'knowing' me has been just a fraction of my whole history. two months give or take and suddenly i always do something or i never do something else. i didn't imagine myself calling this a deal breaker, but clearly psychologists are right here.

the worst of them all is sense of humor of course. you either have it or you don't. and that is literally connected to all the previous statements. if person thinks its actually funny to interrogate and turn everything into a joke, its nothing more than a sign of being juvenile and insecure. some qualities you definitely aren't looking in a equal partner. and don't anyone dare play the age card here. being a jerk is always a choice.

the feeling of being bored. honestly, i am never bored. i may be restless or anxious, but never really bored. since i was a child, i have never been uncomfortable with my own company. i have always something to read or watch or think. so how all of a sudden, this hits me. feeling of 'i would rather...than this'.  it is awful thing to say, i am aware, but more i get into this, the more i see. i dislike if someone is expecting me to be the circus and putting the weigh of deciding on me. if the results are not satisfactory, the blame is also on me. everything is on me. how liberating not to take any responsibility. and it is boring, having a one man show, if there was supposed to be two of us.

i have already had too many roles on me. i have to be a defendant, lawyer, judge, circus clown, motivational speaker, stand-up comedian,  actress - all this in a goddamn month. i am in fact overwhelmed. there should be passion, there should be romance, there should be cute cuddly stuff, day dreaming, instead i had all the above.

i feel like shit, of course. i want to cry a bit, throw up. make it go away. rewind time back to the point, where everything was still peachy. i want to move back to my day dream. reality sucks, i'm forever alone, i will die alone. pity party starts. then anger. how some of us made it and i never do?
then i'm thinking i am not lying right now. right now i'm honest, if i would have continued, i would have been lying, doing things for wrong reasons, right? just waiting for the negative personality traits to go away, disappear. but they never do, do they. or start changing myself that someone would like me for something i am not? in goddamn dreams. the people who are in love with the illusion, will most likely be comfortable staying in it. your wonderful self is invisible.
i do want someone to be puppies with, playmates for life, go on adventures, live through the dull everyday routine. i want to have arguments for right reasons.
but.
i don't know if i believe in it anymore.