Panic

...24.3.7

Saaremaa, all alone and schizophrenia sneaks back to the drunken one. it better be the very last, or i'll skip that place for sure. luckily now, i'm back home, safe with familiar things, that wish me good. still....

I just can't take this. I'm so fucking afraid, i can't sit in my bed, i can't go anywhere. Ma olen lihtsalt siin, kus alati olen olnud, aga ma ei taha seda enam mitte kunagi, sest see on nii õudne. Ma ajasin tassi ymber, kui halb see saab olla maailmale. See ajab mind närvi, kuigi ma ei tunne mitte midagi. Aga mida see kellelegi teisele tähendab. Ma ei suuda keskenduda. Mingi tilkuv hääl on kuskil, ja ma kardan. Ma ei suuda taluda saart. See on tõesti faking õudne, ma peaksin midagi tegema, aga ma kardan igat liigutust. Kõik on märg, igal pool on kuradi kylm vesi, ma ei saa lihtsalt olla. Kuulan jälle oma lugu, aga see keskkond on nii ängistav. Kui ma enam ei saagi sellest ära, siiia ma pean lõppema, tegelikult. Mul on nii ideaalne maailm, mis ei puutu siia, mul on nii perfektne armastuslugu, millesse ma isegi ei usu, kuigi see illusioon tundus nii tõeline. Ja täna mul tuli again this panic attack i havent had for a while now. I thought they had left me. Like i had cured, im free.... i was so sure, that now im...someone else, that i used to be, but...tonite we were driving around with ppl i kno, in places i know...and the fear attacked as bad as ever. I just dont want to live like this any more. I have to escape ...or i have to make peace with it. In which, i seriously dont belive in. Gosh, im so fckn scared, i dunno am i able to sleep tonight, am i able to come back. Minge perrssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee.....minge kõik persse, kes te mind tagasi toote, minge ka teie persse, kes te seal olete, ma ei taha elada hirmuga. Ma ei taha olla minuga, sest see inimene, kes ma olen siin, ei usu millessegi, ega tunne midagi. Seal ma juba hakkasin olema...kuid see kuradi hingede surnuaed viib mu vägisi tagasi surmanuhtlusesse. Oi, kuidas ma tahaksin nutta taga oma olematut lapsepõlve ja oma usku maailmasse, aga ma ei saa....ainus mida ma saan teha, on olla tugev ja näidata teistele ilu. ........................ma kardan seda kuradi kohta, mis röövis minult lapsepölve, minu usu, i'm fucking arfaid of this place, every aspect of it, it took my faith, my childhood, my hopes. I have nothing besides ....the chance to show someone else which it's really worth. I just ...want to believe that some other place hasn't done the same thing as it has done to me. I for example am so ...afraid that i can't evan go outside alone in the dark. .....................................................i won't come back alone. I won't. Whatever it takes, i won't. I don't have to take last of me for NOBODY else. You're not.....