i figured, i'm going to do something i haven't really done in a long time and which i thoroughly enjoy. sit in my kitchen in the middle of the night, smoke a cigarette and talk about bunch of crap, that no one ever reads or cares about. what a bliss and i don't even know what number kitchen is this so far.
this time i won't be all whiny about shit that could have been or was or will come. i have made peace with this kind of stuff.
where to start. my frustration with life lead me to a new job, new apartment, new everything. the moving away from empty promises and illusions itself was quite hard, because even the blast from the past turned out different than i sort of imagined. so yes, new everything. some time in december i settled in the center of the city. end of the month flew all the way across the world to get my zen back. past and the present finally met and clashed nevertheless. obviously conflict was expected. for a split second i thought, 'is this what i want?' and moved on to the the realization, that no, i have gone elsewhere in my journey. i stubbornly wanted to believe, that past needed to be future.
i forced myself to be india, to become india, not just sit on the beach and sip cocktails. i read one book, then another, sneak peeked into buddhism, tipped my toe into conversations with god. attachment is the thing that has fucked my brain here and there nonstop. not being in the present moment, which is the only reality there is, has made me anxious. basically what would love do. love would move on. so i did. i decided not to feel those irrelevant feelings and emotions. what is, simply is. the second i got that through my brain, life seemed easier.
and surprisingly, not surprisingly, it wasn't even a week after i landed back to the crisp winter, when magically a door opened. door to a different kind of world. i will not parade, i will not build air castles. i'm just having a tiny giggle inside, because finally something i like has crossed my path. actually like, because of similarities, not all the wrong reasons.
maybe that's why, i have no wrong reasons anymore. i feel right.
31.1.18
30.10.17
ties
as funny as it is, you apparently cannot live a different life you're supposed to live. it takes just one big fucking painful exhausting circle, to find yourself back in the same point, where you started off. its something like being lost in the woods and not finding way out, meeting the same spots again and again, having this nagging feeling, hey, i have most certainly been here before.
so, that happened. it wasn't that much of a Mandela or dimensional. it was very much human behaviorism. in the nastiest way there is clearly, full off text book cliches. imagine investing your time, energy, all your resources, to make some shit work and yet it doesn't, because it's based on lies, secrets, neglect, oblivion. i mean, yes, it makes you feel like dumped in the bottom a basement, when you find out that you have been cheated on and lied; all of you, all your beautiful self, meant nothing in the end of the day. yet its liberating. you know your gut feeling was right and you're worth so much more. you are beautiful and you are amazing creature, because you did absolutely nothing wrong. you sacrificed and made compromises. your conscious is clean, you're pure as an infant. that's how you can move on back to the beginning of the circle, with no negative feelings, because you gave nothing away to the dark side, there is no need to recover, because all you did, was give and care. you were the one, who was never appreciated.
this could have been hit of my own karma, for all the things i did in the past. but all i know, that this probably was the last of it. i have done nothing immoral, not even questionable decisions for the past two years. i wonder what future has in store for you?
i wish no harm, even questionable hateful thoughts aren't my thing anymore. i have grown to the person i wanted to be, i make my choices based solidly on what i believe in. and i sincerely do believe in happy ends and things will be, what they're meant to be.
the only thing i have lied about is, how i feel. then again, everybody has the right to have that place in them, to sometimes take out in lonely nights and admire it. what is yours, only yours.
i will never forget the summer eve, when sun was in the glitters. the moment that was forever. when you recognize all you have ever wanted.
and you know what, i don't need to. everything just takes off, where it was left behind. maybe this time only wiser and more grateful.
so, that happened. it wasn't that much of a Mandela or dimensional. it was very much human behaviorism. in the nastiest way there is clearly, full off text book cliches. imagine investing your time, energy, all your resources, to make some shit work and yet it doesn't, because it's based on lies, secrets, neglect, oblivion. i mean, yes, it makes you feel like dumped in the bottom a basement, when you find out that you have been cheated on and lied; all of you, all your beautiful self, meant nothing in the end of the day. yet its liberating. you know your gut feeling was right and you're worth so much more. you are beautiful and you are amazing creature, because you did absolutely nothing wrong. you sacrificed and made compromises. your conscious is clean, you're pure as an infant. that's how you can move on back to the beginning of the circle, with no negative feelings, because you gave nothing away to the dark side, there is no need to recover, because all you did, was give and care. you were the one, who was never appreciated.
this could have been hit of my own karma, for all the things i did in the past. but all i know, that this probably was the last of it. i have done nothing immoral, not even questionable decisions for the past two years. i wonder what future has in store for you?
i wish no harm, even questionable hateful thoughts aren't my thing anymore. i have grown to the person i wanted to be, i make my choices based solidly on what i believe in. and i sincerely do believe in happy ends and things will be, what they're meant to be.
the only thing i have lied about is, how i feel. then again, everybody has the right to have that place in them, to sometimes take out in lonely nights and admire it. what is yours, only yours.
i will never forget the summer eve, when sun was in the glitters. the moment that was forever. when you recognize all you have ever wanted.
and you know what, i don't need to. everything just takes off, where it was left behind. maybe this time only wiser and more grateful.
30.9.17
28.7.17
mandela friday
last night i had millions of thoughts i wanted to write down. now they seem trivial. not sure, if even real. the point was something as typical and existential as it usually is. some crap about universe shifting last year spring and how it changed my life from one dimension to an other. well, it really did and i stick to that. did it change to desired direction..maybe. we are not the ones to judge. but it eats me inside. every day and still, was it a choice? i mean considering we live in a simulation, do we even have a choice or are we simply played.
that's not what i wanted to write about at all.
i sort of meant, i have become really really numb. comfortably numb. i don't literally have any dreams or motivation or ambition. and yet i'm not depressed or down. i'm just aimless. in a way life has never been better. i live in this idyllic neighborhood, where grandmas come patting your dog, yes there is a dog, strangers smiling while passing. probably you can even leave your car unlocked and windows open, when you leave. that cliche suburb shit. also i have reached from a child through a struggle to growth to struggle again to conveniently semi child again. meaning i have exactly zero bills on me. i have not a single fucking worry in my life financially.
why, then why, am i comfortably numb. what ruined me? was it the dimension shifting, is it because it was so obvious and glittery and sparkling like predator tearing an unicorn into pieces. visually painful and unforgettable. some part of me never lets go the dimension i was supposed to live in. or any part, what so ever.
or was it few months later, when i had the most revealing and naked journey of my existence. every memory, every picture was torn. dissembled. misplaced. its too long and too personal to try to verbalize it. paint a picture, name it creation of everything. virtually, everything.
but as we know, as you question everything, it becomes nothing. or something. which is which.
basically i have had inner battle of this for some time now. it quite differs from all the conflicts i've had earlier. fundamentally speaking, i stick to the time irrelevance theory and parallel universes and infinity. but. concept of me, it changed. i'm no more center, i'm...i don't know anymore. just a digital code perhaps.
i don't know are living the lives that we are supposed to. if we aren't, what was our actual destination. there is so much talk about mandela effect lately. so i can't be clearly only one thinking this. obviously not. the most common examples, even i remember.
well, nothing we can ever do about it. just the stupid feeling, that i want my life back. this one is different and uncomfortable, i don't know who i am anymore. time will make adjustments. just, i miss me sometimes.
that's not what i wanted to write about at all.
i sort of meant, i have become really really numb. comfortably numb. i don't literally have any dreams or motivation or ambition. and yet i'm not depressed or down. i'm just aimless. in a way life has never been better. i live in this idyllic neighborhood, where grandmas come patting your dog, yes there is a dog, strangers smiling while passing. probably you can even leave your car unlocked and windows open, when you leave. that cliche suburb shit. also i have reached from a child through a struggle to growth to struggle again to conveniently semi child again. meaning i have exactly zero bills on me. i have not a single fucking worry in my life financially.
why, then why, am i comfortably numb. what ruined me? was it the dimension shifting, is it because it was so obvious and glittery and sparkling like predator tearing an unicorn into pieces. visually painful and unforgettable. some part of me never lets go the dimension i was supposed to live in. or any part, what so ever.
or was it few months later, when i had the most revealing and naked journey of my existence. every memory, every picture was torn. dissembled. misplaced. its too long and too personal to try to verbalize it. paint a picture, name it creation of everything. virtually, everything.
but as we know, as you question everything, it becomes nothing. or something. which is which.
basically i have had inner battle of this for some time now. it quite differs from all the conflicts i've had earlier. fundamentally speaking, i stick to the time irrelevance theory and parallel universes and infinity. but. concept of me, it changed. i'm no more center, i'm...i don't know anymore. just a digital code perhaps.
i don't know are living the lives that we are supposed to. if we aren't, what was our actual destination. there is so much talk about mandela effect lately. so i can't be clearly only one thinking this. obviously not. the most common examples, even i remember.
well, nothing we can ever do about it. just the stupid feeling, that i want my life back. this one is different and uncomfortable, i don't know who i am anymore. time will make adjustments. just, i miss me sometimes.
10.7.16
15.6.16
8.6.16
and now i got it. i understand the sensation of shifting. the last piece of puzzle fell in its place.
earlier i had the urge to share all that was happening in my life to the ones left behind, i lost it. i have lost track even, when it stopped. all the strings attaching are either cut or changed. i show what i want to be shown on the display. i am part of this picture. i'm simply not there anymore, i'm here. i'm home.
earlier i had the urge to share all that was happening in my life to the ones left behind, i lost it. i have lost track even, when it stopped. all the strings attaching are either cut or changed. i show what i want to be shown on the display. i am part of this picture. i'm simply not there anymore, i'm here. i'm home.
6.6.16
as life gives those moments of serenity and purity, it also gives a glimpse to the most revolting kinds of traits human kind possesses. few days back i saw the true colors of one of the tar drops in the honey pot. i won't explain the actual act that happened, nor the emotions it made me go through. i'm just pointing out, that i can literally overcome anything - death, abuse, violence, abandonment, betrayal. nothing breaks my spirit, how hard any piece of trash tries. i should have of course trusted my gut feeling. if the stupidity overpowers common sense, it's not my war to fight. i have learned that ages ago, once again i proved myself right. on the other hand, was it supposed to happen, to notice that i have surrounded myself with pure angels, that will go through fire, to protect what's right. i have chosen the right people, i have put trust in right place and entrust them to take actions against the crime. not only crime against me, but all the others who have forced to be victims. i believe in the power of words and spreading the truth.
karma will come your way, you son of a bitch.
the moment you redneck white trash realize, that everybody knows, what you have done. you have no place to hide, you can never look in the eyes of the people we know. you're pathetic. you're a monster, worse than an animal. everybody is judging. some might take actions. but that's already out of my hands, i let them decide.
imagine, i used to be afraid of invisible enemies in the dark. the worst kind is always near, lurking behind you, pretending to be something else. wearing a mask of a friend. you're going to loose much more, than you ever imagined. was it worth it. were these meaningless minutes worth lifetime of shame. small minds don't do great deeds, do they? learn it the hard way then. scum.
karma will come your way, you son of a bitch.
the moment you redneck white trash realize, that everybody knows, what you have done. you have no place to hide, you can never look in the eyes of the people we know. you're pathetic. you're a monster, worse than an animal. everybody is judging. some might take actions. but that's already out of my hands, i let them decide.
imagine, i used to be afraid of invisible enemies in the dark. the worst kind is always near, lurking behind you, pretending to be something else. wearing a mask of a friend. you're going to loose much more, than you ever imagined. was it worth it. were these meaningless minutes worth lifetime of shame. small minds don't do great deeds, do they? learn it the hard way then. scum.
1.6.16
some strange sensations have caught my attention. it started few days back, when i felt somehow neglected, not in general, but specifically. i was blaming the universe, the circumstances, on some levels myself. though to look back, it isn't my choice, thus none of my business really. so, when the gloom took over on one of those gorgeous summer nights, when sun never goes down, people started showing up on internet. saying things, that came out of nowhere seemingly. something altered. i sensed railroad tracks shifting and changing the course of a train. fascinating really, split second later, i stopped caring the oblivious moment i lingered in.
the very next night everything already had rearranged its position. i knew the roads to nowhere again. unknown places were where they supposed to stand. smelling lilacs in the sunrise was the most natural, sitting on rooftop left no fear. a new day was in two hours, but that didn't affect me.
with no sleep at all, nor the time to actually deal with the destruction of the body, mind lead to theory of everything. this is not romance, this is growth. nothing needs to be anything.
i could step into the theory of existence, but at this point, its not relevant. another day, another dawn.
the very next night everything already had rearranged its position. i knew the roads to nowhere again. unknown places were where they supposed to stand. smelling lilacs in the sunrise was the most natural, sitting on rooftop left no fear. a new day was in two hours, but that didn't affect me.
with no sleep at all, nor the time to actually deal with the destruction of the body, mind lead to theory of everything. this is not romance, this is growth. nothing needs to be anything.
i could step into the theory of existence, but at this point, its not relevant. another day, another dawn.
26.5.16
25.5.16
All work and no play makes jack a dull boy
I remember the time, when we were kids. We had no option to stalk someone, we had no smartphones, we had no facebook. Hell, we blogged on paper if we bothered. All we had was maybe opinion of a friend and hitch-hiking to the unknown hoping for the best. Taking the bus on friday morning on a promise made week before. No tomorrow. No money and it didn't matter. We had no guarantee, yet we had no doubts either. We were young and arrogant, life hadn't fucked us in the face yet. If we lost, we went on. If we got lost, we found a way. It was all improvise not analyze. Untouchable and always moving.
What we have now. Staring at the screen, what to say, when to stay, observing every move, still thinking, if say anything at all, stare the screen, bite nails, occasional cigarette, already accepting the loss surely, staring at the screen, grass was greener....step up your game, be faster, stronger, better, sell your stock. Nobody is buying. The bids are too high. Seen it before, done it before, lets stop doing it overall. Lets not be, not exist.
I'm just saying i'm sick of...everything is out in the open, but everyone is withdrawn from life. I know where everyone was on saturday night, probably what they ate even and tip of the iceberg of two word feelings of good old facebook, but what the hell is the point of this. Does anyone get up their asses anymore to seize the day. Do impulsive shit.
Ah, whocarez...just a random evening at work....uneventful
What we have now. Staring at the screen, what to say, when to stay, observing every move, still thinking, if say anything at all, stare the screen, bite nails, occasional cigarette, already accepting the loss surely, staring at the screen, grass was greener....step up your game, be faster, stronger, better, sell your stock. Nobody is buying. The bids are too high. Seen it before, done it before, lets stop doing it overall. Lets not be, not exist.
I'm just saying i'm sick of...everything is out in the open, but everyone is withdrawn from life. I know where everyone was on saturday night, probably what they ate even and tip of the iceberg of two word feelings of good old facebook, but what the hell is the point of this. Does anyone get up their asses anymore to seize the day. Do impulsive shit.
Ah, whocarez...just a random evening at work....uneventful
24.5.16
day in and day out i've been thinking, what the hell am i doing here. i just picked a random place on the map, packed my shit and took off. for no obvious reason. made believe reasons, for sure. it's funny as hell actually. the life i used to live, it was full of doubts, suffering, questioning everything, feeling hate and regret and all that crap. now i feel nearly nothing at all. on a deeper level. it might sound wrong, to think of. i meant, i'm more like... free of everyday shit. it's like pretend life. which is hundreds times easier, than the life i assumed was living. because change is ridiculously simple. every single day i can just choose differently and it all starts again. thousands of possibilities of scenario. not even a second, i'm stuck anymore. i shook that bollocks off. every single thing besides history can be replaced. and history will always remain history. i don't even understand anymore, why everybody get so stuck with the idea of shit that's gone. the very moment you realize the minutes passing by, it's already done and technically soon to be forgotten.
more i isolate my mind, more i alienate myself, clearer it gets. reality is insignificant and so is everything else. question is, how you want to spend it.
i used to think something is always in the stock and most of the time is stand by for greater things... on the contrary, this is actually IT.
i don't know, what went down. did five movies a day brainwash me, not flushing my brains down the drain with booze every single day, monotony of the routine...did i just grow up and accepted the fate, which is not half that bad, if you let go of the strings....who the hell knows and what does that shit even matter. even idiocracy is irrelevant. guess...i dunno...punk's not dead all of a sudden.
more i isolate my mind, more i alienate myself, clearer it gets. reality is insignificant and so is everything else. question is, how you want to spend it.
i used to think something is always in the stock and most of the time is stand by for greater things... on the contrary, this is actually IT.
i don't know, what went down. did five movies a day brainwash me, not flushing my brains down the drain with booze every single day, monotony of the routine...did i just grow up and accepted the fate, which is not half that bad, if you let go of the strings....who the hell knows and what does that shit even matter. even idiocracy is irrelevant. guess...i dunno...punk's not dead all of a sudden.
19.5.16
so limit pushing. worked 8 days in a row, had a day off, rode 66 kilometers. haven't been drinking basically at all since i embarrassed the shit out of myself on my birthday. okay, couple of days altogether maybe.
i don't feel any better or any worse. fit as fuck, with no effort. at least i have that. paid rent too early as usual, ain't broke even. guess it's all good. though it seems like i'm filling in the slots, but i'm doing it just to appear regular human being. i don't mean any of it. my mind is elsewhere day and night. every single second, i'm in the infinity.
is infinity in my brain real, or is it creation. or a dream. if it wasn't, why it never lets me go anymore.
14.5.16
i've had weirdly crappy mood for two days in a row now. mainly because of being extremely exhausted physically. i've accepted every opportunity and hour of work to numb my mind. not to think. and push my limits.
if i had time to think, i would simply go crazy. i've been dwelling on the edge for a while now.
it is definitely not a bad kind of crazy. it's more like a beautiful collision. but this is not a sprint, this is a long run. between gaps and tiny spikes of joy, i must remain sharp and keep the third eye on the horizon. and that can be arranged just like pushing fifty kilometers on a tiny bike and that's literally for no reason. i have a reason. or aim. or answer. or vision. all of it.
i had exactly five different invites tonight to go out, one or two of them surely booty calls. ironically those kinds of entertainments have been voluntarily off the menu since....since i decided so. five options, when all i wanted was a after work beer, yet none of this was good enough.
so after saying no to myself, i feel proud and fulfilled. i don't need this, if i already know, what i need.
if i had time to think, i would simply go crazy. i've been dwelling on the edge for a while now.
it is definitely not a bad kind of crazy. it's more like a beautiful collision. but this is not a sprint, this is a long run. between gaps and tiny spikes of joy, i must remain sharp and keep the third eye on the horizon. and that can be arranged just like pushing fifty kilometers on a tiny bike and that's literally for no reason. i have a reason. or aim. or answer. or vision. all of it.
i had exactly five different invites tonight to go out, one or two of them surely booty calls. ironically those kinds of entertainments have been voluntarily off the menu since....since i decided so. five options, when all i wanted was a after work beer, yet none of this was good enough.
so after saying no to myself, i feel proud and fulfilled. i don't need this, if i already know, what i need.
3.5.16
which is weird, sest kaks päeva järjest on mul vastupidine tunne olnud. ma tean, et see oli tingitud liiga suurest kogusest alkoholist, aga see häirib, kuidas aju mängib trikke.
mu esimene mõte oli täna hommikul, kas lugeda või kirjutada. ironically, raamat on ka east of eden. seega, i guess, suurt wahet polnudki, kumb läks hetkel. muidugi, et yldse selline valik esile kerkis, näitab vist, et alkohol ja depressioon on werest lahkunud.
sünnipäew oli tegelikult awesome, sest maagilisel kombel ma tulin ikkagi just neile kõigile meelde, kellel ma kunagi meelest ei lähe. tähendagu see siis kesköist mixtape'i saksamaalt, varahommikust videokõne luunjast või raamatut, mida ma pean yheks kahest piiblist... või siis lihtsalt kohale ilmumist. loomulikult need supilontrused, kes on kuulsaks saanud oma ylelaskmistega, tegid seda jälle. and once again they got under my skin. teadsin juba siis, kui see juhtus, et ma ei peaks sellega kaasa minema. midagi oli selles isegi värksendavat, kui saad terve päew iniseda wennale, kui paha ikka köik on. sest seda luksust ma ei saa endale siin väga lubada. juba sellel lihtsal põhjusel, et päriselt on köik hästi. mul on töö, kus mind hinnatakse, vabandage, mul on neid koguni kolm-neli. mul on superb elukoht. ja mis siin salata, ma ei saa tegelikult juba ammu jonnida, et mul ei ole sotsiaalvõrgustikku. vastavalt igale tujule või igale zanrile, i have it covered already. niisiis aju, mis juhtus? nagu ka eelmine aasta, ei tulnud see, kes tulema pidi. tänavu isegi duubelesitluses. kui mõelda, siis neil on isegi piinlikult palju yhist joont.
makes me wonder, is it about people at all then. isn't? it maybe it's just the constant feeling of de javu, that attacks me, when i least expect it. the intense flow of smells, pictures, the feeling - i have been here before and everything happens in the same time and time is not linear. all that crap. all that crap once again. truth to be told, our lives are so insignificant and similar, why to even think it has a reason. everything indeed has already been told and already been seen. same songs have been played thousand of times before i got my hands on them. right. why bother to be bothered. so after ten tequila shots later, i should know, that shit happens as well as it doesn't. suck it up and put another song on, that makes you feel good and maybe, just maybe, lets you relive the hope of better tomorrow. guess the only thing, that actually stops me enjoying the actual moment i'm in, is constant need for something bigger, higher, further. i didn't read thousands and thousands of books throughout my life, to accept in late twenties, that it's all a lie. i mean, it has a beauty in it, if you let your mind go and dream. but somebody some point created dreams. i refuse to believe, that human mind is powerful enough, to just...lie. so here i dwell, i don't know. there was existentialism, there was critical realism. go figure.
okay, nevertheless, statistically i have been more negative than i have been positive. in my own tiny history. the actual times, things were bad, and bad is a mild word, what i have been through, i had more vision, how life should be, than i have now. sounds like crooked mirror. i cannot bitch about anything anymore, yet i bitch about the smallest details, like i'd seriously like to make morning coffee to someone. i miss buying cat food. i miss my turkish soap opera on sunday evenings.
and here i go again....loop.
mu esimene mõte oli täna hommikul, kas lugeda või kirjutada. ironically, raamat on ka east of eden. seega, i guess, suurt wahet polnudki, kumb läks hetkel. muidugi, et yldse selline valik esile kerkis, näitab vist, et alkohol ja depressioon on werest lahkunud.
sünnipäew oli tegelikult awesome, sest maagilisel kombel ma tulin ikkagi just neile kõigile meelde, kellel ma kunagi meelest ei lähe. tähendagu see siis kesköist mixtape'i saksamaalt, varahommikust videokõne luunjast või raamatut, mida ma pean yheks kahest piiblist... või siis lihtsalt kohale ilmumist. loomulikult need supilontrused, kes on kuulsaks saanud oma ylelaskmistega, tegid seda jälle. and once again they got under my skin. teadsin juba siis, kui see juhtus, et ma ei peaks sellega kaasa minema. midagi oli selles isegi värksendavat, kui saad terve päew iniseda wennale, kui paha ikka köik on. sest seda luksust ma ei saa endale siin väga lubada. juba sellel lihtsal põhjusel, et päriselt on köik hästi. mul on töö, kus mind hinnatakse, vabandage, mul on neid koguni kolm-neli. mul on superb elukoht. ja mis siin salata, ma ei saa tegelikult juba ammu jonnida, et mul ei ole sotsiaalvõrgustikku. vastavalt igale tujule või igale zanrile, i have it covered already. niisiis aju, mis juhtus? nagu ka eelmine aasta, ei tulnud see, kes tulema pidi. tänavu isegi duubelesitluses. kui mõelda, siis neil on isegi piinlikult palju yhist joont.
makes me wonder, is it about people at all then. isn't? it maybe it's just the constant feeling of de javu, that attacks me, when i least expect it. the intense flow of smells, pictures, the feeling - i have been here before and everything happens in the same time and time is not linear. all that crap. all that crap once again. truth to be told, our lives are so insignificant and similar, why to even think it has a reason. everything indeed has already been told and already been seen. same songs have been played thousand of times before i got my hands on them. right. why bother to be bothered. so after ten tequila shots later, i should know, that shit happens as well as it doesn't. suck it up and put another song on, that makes you feel good and maybe, just maybe, lets you relive the hope of better tomorrow. guess the only thing, that actually stops me enjoying the actual moment i'm in, is constant need for something bigger, higher, further. i didn't read thousands and thousands of books throughout my life, to accept in late twenties, that it's all a lie. i mean, it has a beauty in it, if you let your mind go and dream. but somebody some point created dreams. i refuse to believe, that human mind is powerful enough, to just...lie. so here i dwell, i don't know. there was existentialism, there was critical realism. go figure.
okay, nevertheless, statistically i have been more negative than i have been positive. in my own tiny history. the actual times, things were bad, and bad is a mild word, what i have been through, i had more vision, how life should be, than i have now. sounds like crooked mirror. i cannot bitch about anything anymore, yet i bitch about the smallest details, like i'd seriously like to make morning coffee to someone. i miss buying cat food. i miss my turkish soap opera on sunday evenings.
and here i go again....loop.
28.4.16
tunnike enne enda vananemist, on õige hetk öelda, et ma olen tänulik kõige eest, mis elus juhtunud on. ja ma andestan kõigile nende noad seljas ja kahvlid teel. sest kõik, absoluutselt kõik on seotud ja mis pidi juhtuma, juhtub. eelkõike ma olen kuradi uhke. uhke enda üle. kui ma mõtlen tagasi aasta tagusele ajale, ma olin nii vihane ja kadunud. nüüd ma olen rohkem tervik, kui kunagi varem. kesiganes sellele positiivselt, või siis ka negatiivselt, kaasa aitasid, aitäh. elu on ilus. ma liigun edasi, ma ei ole enam poriloik. palju õnne sünnipäevaks, kallis mina ^^
23.4.16
aga, mis tunne on, kui mitte midagi ei ole. kui köigil, absoluutselt köigil, läheb midagi edasi. uued inimesed synnivad, uued mälestused tekivad.sinu enda sugulased, kes olid enne osa sinu elust, elavad aastakymneid oma elu....ja sin oled yxi. sul ei ole mitte kedagi enam siin maailmas. sinu liiin, mille yle sa olid uhke,on surnud. köik on surnud. ja sa ise...pole kindel, kas sa elad, sest sinust ei vii midagi edasi.
isegi, kui sa tahaks, keegi, ei tahagi....
ja sa oledki yxi. mix sa viiicid. aga
kord kvartalis..tuleb uuesti usk ja tunne, et köik on uus ja meil on lootust, köik mida uskusin, aastal 65, hea küll, ehk 2005, on tösi.
vöi
ehk peaks leppima
et minust ei tulegi midagi edasi
ma olin algusest peale
see
mis saatus ette nägi
kurbus
ma ju ei pidanudki syndima. korda kuus.
ma olen nii väsinud teesklemax önneliku elu, mida ma kunagi ei saa, ja ma ei ole kunagi nii julge, et .....et ma loobux. ma olen siis igevesti önnetu, sest ...önne ma ei saa
mida kuradit ma pean tegema. ausalt.
ma ei ole ju määratud elama..aga mitte ka surema
...
mul ei ole midagi. köigi elu läheb edasi....ma olen alati siiin.
isegi, kui sa tahaks, keegi, ei tahagi....
ja sa oledki yxi. mix sa viiicid. aga
kord kvartalis..tuleb uuesti usk ja tunne, et köik on uus ja meil on lootust, köik mida uskusin, aastal 65, hea küll, ehk 2005, on tösi.
vöi
ehk peaks leppima
et minust ei tulegi midagi edasi
ma olin algusest peale
see
mis saatus ette nägi
kurbus
ma ju ei pidanudki syndima. korda kuus.
ma olen nii väsinud teesklemax önneliku elu, mida ma kunagi ei saa, ja ma ei ole kunagi nii julge, et .....et ma loobux. ma olen siis igevesti önnetu, sest ...önne ma ei saa
mida kuradit ma pean tegema. ausalt.
ma ei ole ju määratud elama..aga mitte ka surema
...
mul ei ole midagi. köigi elu läheb edasi....ma olen alati siiin.
13.4.16
spring mornings
my brain does wonders. have to go to work at 8, which is rare nowadays. didn't sleep at all, feeling like million dollars for no apparent reason.
this reminds me those gorgeous mornings seven years ago, when i watched the sunrise, while the whole world was asleep. it doesn't make sense, but i do see patterns. patterns that feel thousand miles away from where i stand today.
then there was hope, there was...well everything was ahead actually. before all the shit. before all the failures. back then i took time to look at the sunrise and stopped to listen birds singing. what have i become in between. did i really forget, what was i all about, what was everything all about?
this reminds me those gorgeous mornings seven years ago, when i watched the sunrise, while the whole world was asleep. it doesn't make sense, but i do see patterns. patterns that feel thousand miles away from where i stand today.
then there was hope, there was...well everything was ahead actually. before all the shit. before all the failures. back then i took time to look at the sunrise and stopped to listen birds singing. what have i become in between. did i really forget, what was i all about, what was everything all about?
6.4.16
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