How lucky are we?

 can we have a moment to talk about this because honestly i feel insane in the most peaceful way possible. all my life i’ve chased girls, dated girls, convinced myself i loved them, convinced myself i desired them. i’ve written whole stories in my head just to survive the emptiness. but this… this is something else entirely. i think about her every waking moment. i dream of her when i finally sleep. she is my first thought, my last thought, and all the thoughts in between pretending to be about other things. i can smell her on my skin like she’s printed into my cells. i can still feel her kiss on my lips like it has decided to live there permanently. it doesn’t matter what i do… it does not leave. it sits with me. breathing. watching. waiting.

it should feel obsessive. it doesn’t. it feels like my nervous system finally exhaled after years of holding its breath. it feels like home… not a place, but the realization that nowhere else ever actually fit. it’s otherworldly and stupidly familiar at the same time… like i’ve known her for lifetimes and only just remembered.

i’ve never seen my life open like this. i’ve never seen the future walk toward me so clearly… like it isn’t even a decision anymore, just the direction everything in me is already moving. everything that used to feel confusing suddenly makes sense. every heartbreak was just training. every wrong door was a sign i didn’t know how to read yet. how does one person appear and your entire life changes shape overnight. i don’t even recognise the person i was months ago. i’ve grown teeth and wings and a spine and this impossible faith in something i can’t see… and somehow none of it scares me.

and the worst part… i can’t talk to anyone about it. nobody gets it. nobody understands what this did to me. so i carry it alone like contraband love stuffed under my jacket. people would call it obsession or trauma bonding or some clinical term that makes it sound smaller and safer. but they weren’t there in the moment my soul stopped wandering. they didn’t feel the ground shift.

this is human experience… but it also isn’t. it’s cosmic. ethereal. ridiculous. sacred. it feels like the universe leaned in and basically went, you see her… don’t be an idiot… that’s the one. and now here i am… wrecked and rebuilt and absolutely certain in a way that makes no sense on paper. my life turned in her direction like it always meant to… and i followed. no hesitation. no map. no looking back.

fck me right.

 …and for the first time i get it. love. not the theory.  the real thing.