another thing i wondered about. how often we say 'i'm too old for this shit'. that is what i thought was true, but it actually isn't. i'm not sure if our mind or body actually ages as we assume it does. people keep saying i look ten years younger than i am. why is that? partly because i personally have never given much fuck of maintaining. meaning i haven't been to gym since i had it next to my dormitory and for free, which makes now 10-11 years ago. i haven't really stayed away from particular things, either food, alcohol, tobacco, substances. i haven't really thought, that one day it will revenge me.  or god forbid, one day i will be old.
i have had periods of experimenting with extreme. as going vegan for a year, now trying out the dry spell 1,5 months. results with limiting are quite same as not building invisible cages.
i remembered this crisp january morning in 2006, when i took bottles to the store to get money for ferry ticket and cigarettes to hitch-hike to another city 330 kilometers away to meet this girl i had only briefly spoken on social media. it was minus 27 degrees and it took me 8 hours to get there. no guarantees that we would even like each other. i had no money, no place to sleep and yet i did it.
would i do it now? no.
that's exactly, when i would say, oh you know i'm too old for this kind of adventure.
i call bullshit.
the only thing that has truly changed, is once again attitude. twelve years ago i just didn't have the package of rejection, disappointment, experiences. so now here we are always thinking of pros and cons of every situation. i would go out tonight, it might be fun, but it also might be very average. it will most definitely cost money and probably i won't feel so superb tomorrow. so guess its not worth it. that's how mind works now, saying no to everything before giving it a chance. not because of being old and tired, just because of comparing every single aspect to past. yet that's all it is, just past experiences, that will never be again.