...the thoughts i had in august, have slowly, but steadily grown. instead of being part of it, i disconnected myself completely. i crawled into my safe place and hibernated the fall away. and it has given me a good time and perspective to come to several conclusions. all the negative traits i saw in people around me, have gone deeper. except now i am a bystander. meaning that nothing affects me the way it used to. all that ticked me off, makes me slightly grin now. because i see, how disturbed everybody is. by everybody, i mean the people i have met, not clearly the entire country.
or is it the entire country? is it the darkness and cold, that has sucked actual life out of people.
its really hard to hear any nice words from anybody or if, it always has a level of sarcasm in it. rarely you accidentally do encounter a genuine soul - they are not originally from here.
seems like it gives some sort of pleasure to bring you down, softly and slowly killing your soul, your uniqueness. making it all one emotionless cold mass.
three and half years ago it suited me, to live a life in fake nice, but by now i am graving an actual human contact.
this is why i stopped trying and i stopped giving, nobody is ever grateful for what they have. neither they see personality. they make these tacky boxes out of you and this is where you stay from day one they laid eyes on you. you as you actually are, simply does not exist.
i truly have grown in my solitary and reclaiming me.
while i struggled to see next step in my journey, i knew it will reveal itself, when time is right and i'm ready.
so it did.
the moment you stop looking for love or living in what ifs and near future, you start nourishing yourself. and in the end of the day start having affair with yourself.
now anyone could say, as finland does, it is not the country to blame, its internal fight, i still think otherwise. i have reached the limit here, i cannot go further.
the next era will be london. london calling.
29.12.18
29.8.18
so it begins
this summer has been quite the journey. i didn't go far or really even do much, but the trip within has taken me to many unfamiliar places. i truly feel i have been on a long and strange route, to now arrive back, where i three odd years ago began. walking down the streets, the colors seem to be same like in the august days i arrived here, it just has the same vibe in the air. like i have been away for some time, but nothing has changed - its still the same place i fell in love with. i'm still the same, but wiser.
i'm guessing the road i was on, was simply wrong road. it was filled with anxiety and stress, bunch of people, that just didn't feel exactly right. places i didn't belong or did not want to be part of.
its not easy to explain, because every journey has its meaning. i encountered the true essence of neediness, clingy; betrayal, neglect, ghosting. i saw what actual pathological liar looks like. i realized its quite okay to cut people out of your life, because they don't deserve to be in it. i think i have even seen pure evil, even though that sight i really try to put behind me and wish i'd never seen someone so cruel. and well being rotten inside has had various shades, that all have lead to point: stay the fuck away from me.
and its alright. there is nothing better really than to see through impure intentions.
this summer has opened my eyes about many, if not all the people in my life. i met countless faces from past. some relationship have stayed as pure as they were, some still go down the immoral decadence. just somehow now, i see every single one of them crystal clear.
i don't know if this even made much sense. guess, all i meant with this was, i am truly grateful for the ones that are genuinely good. and i do wish all the best for the ones, who are trying to live their lives through deceiving, lying and backstabbing - its your route, not mine.
i feel i'm standing in the same point, where stood this pink dread-headed dude with suitcase and backpack, full of hope and starry-eyed. i am in fact living the life she wanted, exactly it.
that's how you know, everything is alright, better than alright. its amazing, you are always exactly, where you have to be and there is no need to worry. ever.
i'm guessing the road i was on, was simply wrong road. it was filled with anxiety and stress, bunch of people, that just didn't feel exactly right. places i didn't belong or did not want to be part of.
its not easy to explain, because every journey has its meaning. i encountered the true essence of neediness, clingy; betrayal, neglect, ghosting. i saw what actual pathological liar looks like. i realized its quite okay to cut people out of your life, because they don't deserve to be in it. i think i have even seen pure evil, even though that sight i really try to put behind me and wish i'd never seen someone so cruel. and well being rotten inside has had various shades, that all have lead to point: stay the fuck away from me.
and its alright. there is nothing better really than to see through impure intentions.
this summer has opened my eyes about many, if not all the people in my life. i met countless faces from past. some relationship have stayed as pure as they were, some still go down the immoral decadence. just somehow now, i see every single one of them crystal clear.
i don't know if this even made much sense. guess, all i meant with this was, i am truly grateful for the ones that are genuinely good. and i do wish all the best for the ones, who are trying to live their lives through deceiving, lying and backstabbing - its your route, not mine.
i feel i'm standing in the same point, where stood this pink dread-headed dude with suitcase and backpack, full of hope and starry-eyed. i am in fact living the life she wanted, exactly it.
that's how you know, everything is alright, better than alright. its amazing, you are always exactly, where you have to be and there is no need to worry. ever.
12.7.18
exploited
when some areas in life are slowly taking its shape, then others blow up in your face. i've been furious, i've been shaking of anger, feeling empowered and degraded. so far that i have started to doubt, maybe i am a toxic person, a narcissist, a psychopath. or maybe its just how some people develop to be, if they are actually not compatible. we started off being something else, grew to be best friends and it has reached to the point, that we cannot co-exist in same room anymore. and its sucking life out. i have gone through a spectrum of feelings, to come to a conclusion, all sorts of human relations actually do have a expiration date. as they say some are here for a reason, some for season, some for a life time. i never in my life thought this particularly is a season, but part of growing up, is admitting, that some things are meant to be let go. or perhaps it was also a reason, nothing less, nothing more.
it feels strange to break up with a friend. or someone whom you thought of as a friend, its times harder to realize that you are not working out, than ending an actual relationship. it is fairly new for me.
and yet again its part of remembering who you are and who you are becoming, where you stand. another nuance of human experience.
i sure hope this too will bring me closer to what i truly need within.
it feels strange to break up with a friend. or someone whom you thought of as a friend, its times harder to realize that you are not working out, than ending an actual relationship. it is fairly new for me.
and yet again its part of remembering who you are and who you are becoming, where you stand. another nuance of human experience.
i sure hope this too will bring me closer to what i truly need within.
5.7.18
years&years
I reckon I'm in an interesting place in my life right now. All that has been before has prepared me somehow to this very period that is happening and that is ahead of me. Nothing spectacular is happening on the surface, but inside I have transformed, resurrected, gone through metamorphosis. Yes, again I have become restless, trying to slip back to old rhythms and patterns, but the calmness of You has put my race horses in slower pace. You have taught and me made me re-remember importance of patience. Everything coming too easy, is not worth it - everyone knows that. I have a list of reasons in my head, that have not been right, I had to learn them painfully slow, to know, really recognize, who I am as a person and where I am headed. You somehow brought me back to trusting, blindly believing that not everyone lets you down eventually. I got to to the point of having strong moral code, 'who are you, when no one is watching?' type of questions, on my own. But letting down defense, trusting and knowing patience is power, that is something I needed guidance with. And I'm grateful, scared, but letting go of control and jumping in head first.
I am not trying to fill any emptiness or patch holes in my soul, I have actually arrived to the wholeness to grow together.
I am not trying to fill any emptiness or patch holes in my soul, I have actually arrived to the wholeness to grow together.
12.6.18
lähtisitkö
from having only questions and no answers, in speed of light to....now you know. from having a permanent constant heart attack to complete utter peace.
there it is. life is a joke now, isn't it.
7.6.18
My Kind Of
from storms on international seas i slowly drifted back to my mellow motionless harbor. what once seemed boring and scary, became me. my days passed in the rhythm of learning how to love my work and embracing the silence around me. i gave up the struggle of restraining myself, i gave up the need to have more really. i figured it is what it is and i can't do much about it. don't get me wrong. hope is something that never dies within me. it is as certain as sun will rise again each and every morning. hope for better tomorrow is the core essence of me. just nothingness suited me at the time being.
i went back to music, countless hours of movies, longest walks i have ever taken with my dog. i taught myself peace.
but what happened next, is what always happens, when you least expect it. you make truce with world, but universe still gives, what you deep down asked. delay is inevitable, its ironic, its brutal, its even ridiculous. it hits you in the face, shakes you off of your roots, shatters you, thrills you, leaves you trembling and naked and yet asking for more.
that's what happened. no answers, only question marks, going crazy, running up that hill. but that is what you begged for. remember the vivid vision years ago. maybe, just maybe, it can become real.
14.4.18
another thing i wondered about. how often we say 'i'm too old for this shit'. that is what i thought was true, but it actually isn't. i'm not sure if our mind or body actually ages as we assume it does. people keep saying i look ten years younger than i am. why is that? partly because i personally have never given much fuck of maintaining. meaning i haven't been to gym since i had it next to my dormitory and for free, which makes now 10-11 years ago. i haven't really stayed away from particular things, either food, alcohol, tobacco, substances. i haven't really thought, that one day it will revenge me. or god forbid, one day i will be old.
i have had periods of experimenting with extreme. as going vegan for a year, now trying out the dry spell 1,5 months. results with limiting are quite same as not building invisible cages.
i remembered this crisp january morning in 2006, when i took bottles to the store to get money for ferry ticket and cigarettes to hitch-hike to another city 330 kilometers away to meet this girl i had only briefly spoken on social media. it was minus 27 degrees and it took me 8 hours to get there. no guarantees that we would even like each other. i had no money, no place to sleep and yet i did it.
would i do it now? no.
that's exactly, when i would say, oh you know i'm too old for this kind of adventure.
i call bullshit.
the only thing that has truly changed, is once again attitude. twelve years ago i just didn't have the package of rejection, disappointment, experiences. so now here we are always thinking of pros and cons of every situation. i would go out tonight, it might be fun, but it also might be very average. it will most definitely cost money and probably i won't feel so superb tomorrow. so guess its not worth it. that's how mind works now, saying no to everything before giving it a chance. not because of being old and tired, just because of comparing every single aspect to past. yet that's all it is, just past experiences, that will never be again.
i have had periods of experimenting with extreme. as going vegan for a year, now trying out the dry spell 1,5 months. results with limiting are quite same as not building invisible cages.
i remembered this crisp january morning in 2006, when i took bottles to the store to get money for ferry ticket and cigarettes to hitch-hike to another city 330 kilometers away to meet this girl i had only briefly spoken on social media. it was minus 27 degrees and it took me 8 hours to get there. no guarantees that we would even like each other. i had no money, no place to sleep and yet i did it.
would i do it now? no.
that's exactly, when i would say, oh you know i'm too old for this kind of adventure.
i call bullshit.
the only thing that has truly changed, is once again attitude. twelve years ago i just didn't have the package of rejection, disappointment, experiences. so now here we are always thinking of pros and cons of every situation. i would go out tonight, it might be fun, but it also might be very average. it will most definitely cost money and probably i won't feel so superb tomorrow. so guess its not worth it. that's how mind works now, saying no to everything before giving it a chance. not because of being old and tired, just because of comparing every single aspect to past. yet that's all it is, just past experiences, that will never be again.
5.4.18
...and suddenly i've been extremely down and low. nothing feels right, everything is stuck, i'm not going anywhere and i don't want to stay here either. the eternal arctic of emotions came way later than it was supposed to. all the birds are singing and shit is jolly, days are as long as 8 pm already. and i'm thinking, what if i wasn't anymore. my winter came in spring. well truth to be told, it is fucking snowy outside, but still.
and i don't have a valid reason to stress over, well.. everything. and also in the other hand, i'm numb. or in constant emotional roller-coaster of daydreaming of possibilities, tripping down the memory lane, beating myself down for wrong turns, basically...being completely lost and out of contact with true essence what i need to do.
and that was yesterday. just a rampage i drafted, because it was too whiny even for me. but there was some truth to it. the fact that everything is negative in my head, shows something. it shows that it comes all from within. surroundings have always been like that, work has always sucked on some level, relationships work or don't work out, that is also not new. everything is in its perfect loop of ups and downs. so question is, why i see it so dark suddenly, if its always exactly like this and there is no-matter-what silver lining and pot of gold in the end of the rainbow.
we discussed it with my roommate for hours to end up to the conclusion, we are spoiled and ungrateful. we have somehow gotten our expectations so high, that we can't accept every day grey anymore. its not even grey to be honest, we live a dream of billions of people, literally. we have all the necessities, comforts, opportunities and liberties some can never have. we can do whatever the fuck we want, actually.
along the way we just forgot how to have fun and enjoy simple things, be happy for what we have achieved and how long way we have come.
i feel i'm too hard on myself. the fact is i am exactly where i am supposed to be in this point of life. even though it might seem i'm standing still, i have evolved tremendously in every aspect. i don't really need to compare or write out points. its not a competition, we are not the same. i am here because my own journey brought me here and every next step is connected to the previous one i have chosen. so yes, why am i feeling negative about my own choices and my own place in my route. it doesn't really make sense, does it.
we decided that instead on concentrating on irrelevant, its time to make a mental note every single day, what was good, what was positive about the day. it is just question of angle. to see the grey or to see the colors.
my life is not eternal arctic. it is actually pretty good. i have absolutely nothing to complain about. as i am living a dream of billions, i should live perhaps mine too. which some point was obviously this. exactly this, to think of it. which means, be patient. Everything comes to you, in the right moment.
and i don't have a valid reason to stress over, well.. everything. and also in the other hand, i'm numb. or in constant emotional roller-coaster of daydreaming of possibilities, tripping down the memory lane, beating myself down for wrong turns, basically...being completely lost and out of contact with true essence what i need to do.
and that was yesterday. just a rampage i drafted, because it was too whiny even for me. but there was some truth to it. the fact that everything is negative in my head, shows something. it shows that it comes all from within. surroundings have always been like that, work has always sucked on some level, relationships work or don't work out, that is also not new. everything is in its perfect loop of ups and downs. so question is, why i see it so dark suddenly, if its always exactly like this and there is no-matter-what silver lining and pot of gold in the end of the rainbow.
we discussed it with my roommate for hours to end up to the conclusion, we are spoiled and ungrateful. we have somehow gotten our expectations so high, that we can't accept every day grey anymore. its not even grey to be honest, we live a dream of billions of people, literally. we have all the necessities, comforts, opportunities and liberties some can never have. we can do whatever the fuck we want, actually.
along the way we just forgot how to have fun and enjoy simple things, be happy for what we have achieved and how long way we have come.
i feel i'm too hard on myself. the fact is i am exactly where i am supposed to be in this point of life. even though it might seem i'm standing still, i have evolved tremendously in every aspect. i don't really need to compare or write out points. its not a competition, we are not the same. i am here because my own journey brought me here and every next step is connected to the previous one i have chosen. so yes, why am i feeling negative about my own choices and my own place in my route. it doesn't really make sense, does it.
we decided that instead on concentrating on irrelevant, its time to make a mental note every single day, what was good, what was positive about the day. it is just question of angle. to see the grey or to see the colors.
my life is not eternal arctic. it is actually pretty good. i have absolutely nothing to complain about. as i am living a dream of billions, i should live perhaps mine too. which some point was obviously this. exactly this, to think of it. which means, be patient. Everything comes to you, in the right moment.
28.3.18
nutopia
we live in a very strange era. children have completely lost it. touch of reality. it.
instead of words, we use pictures to express our compressed feelings. instead of talking directly, we post our meltdowns online for thousands of strangers to see. also in forms of images. they don't care...isn't approval all you're looking for? from who then? numbers on accounts. digital codes. heart shaped, thumb shaped fucking algorithms.
we live out our rage by deleting contacts on social media. we furiously block things one by one. i can't help but laugh, what you have to hide? your imaginary little world? another thousand pixels of same shit, different angle. everything is out there nevertheless.
i say we, but i mean them. there are things i and we would never do. we aren't programmed like that. we are not wired to expose our interior.
i remember when i first heard this...
...now its the Gen Z, that dictates the norm. no wonder i'm alienated. no wonder life itself seems bizarre.
no wonder i fucking don't care of this nonsense.
instead of words, we use pictures to express our compressed feelings. instead of talking directly, we post our meltdowns online for thousands of strangers to see. also in forms of images. they don't care...isn't approval all you're looking for? from who then? numbers on accounts. digital codes. heart shaped, thumb shaped fucking algorithms.
we live out our rage by deleting contacts on social media. we furiously block things one by one. i can't help but laugh, what you have to hide? your imaginary little world? another thousand pixels of same shit, different angle. everything is out there nevertheless.
i say we, but i mean them. there are things i and we would never do. we aren't programmed like that. we are not wired to expose our interior.
i remember when i first heard this...
...now its the Gen Z, that dictates the norm. no wonder i'm alienated. no wonder life itself seems bizarre.
no wonder i fucking don't care of this nonsense.
27.3.18
get it right
in the mellow flow of cleanse, i started to realize the toxins are not the only things that cloud my mind. instead of having huge piles of energy and motivation, i felt like something is holding me in its grip.
i honestly don't know exact moment, when something inside of me changed. but i knew that this weekend was last drop.
i have come to conclusion, that i have had too many relationships in my past, that i have just kept out of habit, fear, comfort, convenience - you name it. all the wrong reasons.
and that made me think, what are right reasons to end something. like reasons far from someone cheating or beating you up.
i don't have a ranking, but first thing that pops to my mind is not listening. imagine enthusiastically telling a stupid story from your childhood, remembering great times of university, something that has been part of you and made you what you are this day. and then the other part just cuts you off to have all the attention on sale in garbage shop or not-so-funny-meme. i can't help than compare, that am i really this boring. clearly i don't mean cutting someone off, because a white tiger crossed the street, more like no light in eyes every single time i open my mouth.
jealousy. again, not the real one even, that someone is texting you, you act shady, you disappear and lie. that kind of jealousy, that you sit behind your laptop with a mug of coffee, choosing what movie to watch on sunday evening and the other half starts 'jokingly' ask whether you went out with someone because instead of sweatpants you had jeans on earlier. it seems funny, but defending yourself constantly without any reason just gets you eventually.
which leads me to another point.
over-analyzing. facial expressions, tone of voice, what and where you're looking at, too long silences. this hit me like matrix does. i feel i have to be a robot puppet, not to give away my true essence. everything is interpreted into everything else it actually was. while i was reading random advertisement on the wall, i was actually staring at some average looking girl walking pass it. while i was staring in nothingness, thinking about what to eat while watching netflix, i was actually telling you with my face, that you're a stupid bitch. something like that.
also, my biggest favorites are always 'never' and 'always'.
this literally needs copy paste. link
the worst of them all is sense of humor of course. you either have it or you don't. and that is literally connected to all the previous statements. if person thinks its actually funny to interrogate and turn everything into a joke, its nothing more than a sign of being juvenile and insecure. some qualities you definitely aren't looking in a equal partner. and don't anyone dare play the age card here. being a jerk is always a choice.
the feeling of being bored. honestly, i am never bored. i may be restless or anxious, but never really bored. since i was a child, i have never been uncomfortable with my own company. i have always something to read or watch or think. so how all of a sudden, this hits me. feeling of 'i would rather...than this'. it is awful thing to say, i am aware, but more i get into this, the more i see. i dislike if someone is expecting me to be the circus and putting the weigh of deciding on me. if the results are not satisfactory, the blame is also on me. everything is on me. how liberating not to take any responsibility. and it is boring, having a one man show, if there was supposed to be two of us.
i have already had too many roles on me. i have to be a defendant, lawyer, judge, circus clown, motivational speaker, stand-up comedian, actress - all this in a goddamn month. i am in fact overwhelmed. there should be passion, there should be romance, there should be cute cuddly stuff, day dreaming, instead i had all the above.
i feel like shit, of course. i want to cry a bit, throw up. make it go away. rewind time back to the point, where everything was still peachy. i want to move back to my day dream. reality sucks, i'm forever alone, i will die alone. pity party starts. then anger. how some of us made it and i never do?
then i'm thinking i am not lying right now. right now i'm honest, if i would have continued, i would have been lying, doing things for wrong reasons, right? just waiting for the negative personality traits to go away, disappear. but they never do, do they. or start changing myself that someone would like me for something i am not? in goddamn dreams. the people who are in love with the illusion, will most likely be comfortable staying in it. your wonderful self is invisible.
i do want someone to be puppies with, playmates for life, go on adventures, live through the dull everyday routine. i want to have arguments for right reasons.
but.
i don't know if i believe in it anymore.
i honestly don't know exact moment, when something inside of me changed. but i knew that this weekend was last drop.
i have come to conclusion, that i have had too many relationships in my past, that i have just kept out of habit, fear, comfort, convenience - you name it. all the wrong reasons.
and that made me think, what are right reasons to end something. like reasons far from someone cheating or beating you up.
i don't have a ranking, but first thing that pops to my mind is not listening. imagine enthusiastically telling a stupid story from your childhood, remembering great times of university, something that has been part of you and made you what you are this day. and then the other part just cuts you off to have all the attention on sale in garbage shop or not-so-funny-meme. i can't help than compare, that am i really this boring. clearly i don't mean cutting someone off, because a white tiger crossed the street, more like no light in eyes every single time i open my mouth.
jealousy. again, not the real one even, that someone is texting you, you act shady, you disappear and lie. that kind of jealousy, that you sit behind your laptop with a mug of coffee, choosing what movie to watch on sunday evening and the other half starts 'jokingly' ask whether you went out with someone because instead of sweatpants you had jeans on earlier. it seems funny, but defending yourself constantly without any reason just gets you eventually.
which leads me to another point.
over-analyzing. facial expressions, tone of voice, what and where you're looking at, too long silences. this hit me like matrix does. i feel i have to be a robot puppet, not to give away my true essence. everything is interpreted into everything else it actually was. while i was reading random advertisement on the wall, i was actually staring at some average looking girl walking pass it. while i was staring in nothingness, thinking about what to eat while watching netflix, i was actually telling you with my face, that you're a stupid bitch. something like that.
also, my biggest favorites are always 'never' and 'always'.
this literally needs copy paste. link
“Always” and “Never” statements are popular delivery vehicles of FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. The intention is often to:
Put the recipient in a defensive posture. (Fear)
Make the recipient feel responsible for the problem. (Obligation)
Make the recipient feel sorry for the other person. (Guilt)
Make the recipient feel sorry for the other person. (Guilt)
“Always” and “Never” statements can leave you feeling invalidated, unappreciated, disoriented and guilty, or have you scrambling to justify your own behavior.
it seriously puzzles me, how can anyone say those wonderful words in the first place, if 'knowing' me has been just a fraction of my whole history. two months give or take and suddenly i always do something or i never do something else. i didn't imagine myself calling this a deal breaker, but clearly psychologists are right here.the worst of them all is sense of humor of course. you either have it or you don't. and that is literally connected to all the previous statements. if person thinks its actually funny to interrogate and turn everything into a joke, its nothing more than a sign of being juvenile and insecure. some qualities you definitely aren't looking in a equal partner. and don't anyone dare play the age card here. being a jerk is always a choice.
the feeling of being bored. honestly, i am never bored. i may be restless or anxious, but never really bored. since i was a child, i have never been uncomfortable with my own company. i have always something to read or watch or think. so how all of a sudden, this hits me. feeling of 'i would rather...than this'. it is awful thing to say, i am aware, but more i get into this, the more i see. i dislike if someone is expecting me to be the circus and putting the weigh of deciding on me. if the results are not satisfactory, the blame is also on me. everything is on me. how liberating not to take any responsibility. and it is boring, having a one man show, if there was supposed to be two of us.
i have already had too many roles on me. i have to be a defendant, lawyer, judge, circus clown, motivational speaker, stand-up comedian, actress - all this in a goddamn month. i am in fact overwhelmed. there should be passion, there should be romance, there should be cute cuddly stuff, day dreaming, instead i had all the above.
i feel like shit, of course. i want to cry a bit, throw up. make it go away. rewind time back to the point, where everything was still peachy. i want to move back to my day dream. reality sucks, i'm forever alone, i will die alone. pity party starts. then anger. how some of us made it and i never do?
then i'm thinking i am not lying right now. right now i'm honest, if i would have continued, i would have been lying, doing things for wrong reasons, right? just waiting for the negative personality traits to go away, disappear. but they never do, do they. or start changing myself that someone would like me for something i am not? in goddamn dreams. the people who are in love with the illusion, will most likely be comfortable staying in it. your wonderful self is invisible.
i do want someone to be puppies with, playmates for life, go on adventures, live through the dull everyday routine. i want to have arguments for right reasons.
but.
i don't know if i believe in it anymore.
22.3.18
counter
its been 33 days now. its not even anything to be proud of, for majority of people it is normal state of being. i feel quite same to be honest. i am aware my problem was not as severe, that i would feel tremendous difference. it was there of course, but it had no effect on my every day life anyway. i think. i don't know. maybe i'm still sugarcoating shit, trying to defend it.
so what i have noticed.
i sleep better. meaning i fall asleep faster and i sleep more deep. but i think i sleep more in general.
i have lost a little weight. i had huge sugar cravings two weeks ago, yet i still lose weight.
i also have strange sensation, that i feel all my muscles. like everything in me feels fit.
my skin went super bad. i see no other logic in it, than some weird detox.
i had waves of irritation, not knowing what to do with my life in general. reactions and behaviors of people made me bat shit crazy.
especially disgusting are drunk people. stumbling across the city, yelling, thinking they're somehow amazing and superior. funny how easy it is to distance myself....and how hard is not get on the high horse meanwhile.
my asthma went worse, because instead of cutting back and quitting i started smoking more secretly. so that lead me to another fuck this moment. if last year i quit because of basically proving a point, that i can, not really wanting it. then now i really want it and i already know i can. yesterday night i consciously smoked my last one.
i figured, besides the obvious, that i can't breathe, i can't really feel the full effects of quitting one poison, if i constantly put another one in. it has to be both. and one triggers anyway another, having one month in between was sort of good choice.
last but not the least, money doesn't magically disappear anymore. bank account always looks at you the same way. even i'm still paying off debt to myself because of india, i haven't gone dead broke. which is nice.
so what i have noticed.
i sleep better. meaning i fall asleep faster and i sleep more deep. but i think i sleep more in general.
i have lost a little weight. i had huge sugar cravings two weeks ago, yet i still lose weight.
i also have strange sensation, that i feel all my muscles. like everything in me feels fit.
my skin went super bad. i see no other logic in it, than some weird detox.
i had waves of irritation, not knowing what to do with my life in general. reactions and behaviors of people made me bat shit crazy.
especially disgusting are drunk people. stumbling across the city, yelling, thinking they're somehow amazing and superior. funny how easy it is to distance myself....and how hard is not get on the high horse meanwhile.
my asthma went worse, because instead of cutting back and quitting i started smoking more secretly. so that lead me to another fuck this moment. if last year i quit because of basically proving a point, that i can, not really wanting it. then now i really want it and i already know i can. yesterday night i consciously smoked my last one.
i figured, besides the obvious, that i can't breathe, i can't really feel the full effects of quitting one poison, if i constantly put another one in. it has to be both. and one triggers anyway another, having one month in between was sort of good choice.
last but not the least, money doesn't magically disappear anymore. bank account always looks at you the same way. even i'm still paying off debt to myself because of india, i haven't gone dead broke. which is nice.
26.2.18
...unforgettable
Of every beautiful lie that I've been told
Yours is the one I like the most
Yours is the one that I hold so close
Give up the ghost, give up the ghost, give up the ghost
It was just one night, it was just one night
Now I can't get you off of my mind
It was just one time, it was just one time
Even if you'll never be mine
Yours is the one I like the most
Yours is the one that I hold so close
Give up the ghost, give up the ghost, give up the ghost
It was just one night, it was just one night
Now I can't get you off of my mind
It was just one time, it was just one time
Even if you'll never be mine
20.2.18
the year of the yellow dog has begun. i thought i was on the right path, but once again, mistakes were made. quite brutally.
i don't know is there a point to go in details. i'm just sick and tired of cleaning up mess. cleaning the kitchen morning after with a gag reflex. yelling at neighbors, even though clearly we were in wrong. looking at the bank account, that was fine before. hearing confessions, that should have happened years ago. almost loosing everything, that actually matters right now and right here. fighting negative thoughts, that come along. envy all the lives, that are together. this could be me, this could be my life. and if this isn't enough, lets take my mind into pieces, shatter it around and try to glue it back together. in conclusion, there is nothing new, there is nothing to rediscover, everything has been and it disgusts me. i lost my father to this for fuck sake. literally and almost 20 years of our lives.
if my last post wasn't wake up call, then this sure is. i am officially done. i'm done sugarcoating shit. i'm done pretending that destruction is fun. i wanted to become more spiritual, well, there is no spirit in destroying growth. all this is evil and wants us to withdraw from life. so no, i refuse.
i guess what i'm saying here, i thought mediocre is answer, but it isn't. there will always be peer pressure. maybe i am the peer pressure. someone has to be stone cold.
also its almost funny. for two weeks you have walked the line, being proud of yourself, getting your thoughts under control, seeing opportunities, to just fuck it up in a split of a second. that's how screwed up this all is.
but on the positive note, i have been happy for some time. hope has returned, colors are beautiful, existing is not a burden. love is all there is. and its not a delusion, because this i haven't blurred. i have kept the image pure and i shall water it, watch it grow into a magnificent flower.
i don't know is there a point to go in details. i'm just sick and tired of cleaning up mess. cleaning the kitchen morning after with a gag reflex. yelling at neighbors, even though clearly we were in wrong. looking at the bank account, that was fine before. hearing confessions, that should have happened years ago. almost loosing everything, that actually matters right now and right here. fighting negative thoughts, that come along. envy all the lives, that are together. this could be me, this could be my life. and if this isn't enough, lets take my mind into pieces, shatter it around and try to glue it back together. in conclusion, there is nothing new, there is nothing to rediscover, everything has been and it disgusts me. i lost my father to this for fuck sake. literally and almost 20 years of our lives.
if my last post wasn't wake up call, then this sure is. i am officially done. i'm done sugarcoating shit. i'm done pretending that destruction is fun. i wanted to become more spiritual, well, there is no spirit in destroying growth. all this is evil and wants us to withdraw from life. so no, i refuse.
i guess what i'm saying here, i thought mediocre is answer, but it isn't. there will always be peer pressure. maybe i am the peer pressure. someone has to be stone cold.
also its almost funny. for two weeks you have walked the line, being proud of yourself, getting your thoughts under control, seeing opportunities, to just fuck it up in a split of a second. that's how screwed up this all is.
but on the positive note, i have been happy for some time. hope has returned, colors are beautiful, existing is not a burden. love is all there is. and its not a delusion, because this i haven't blurred. i have kept the image pure and i shall water it, watch it grow into a magnificent flower.
4.2.18
godspeed
for months i have nothing to say and suddenly i have a lot.
i have noticed few things. i have been in pattern, i either feel utter shit or amazing, it goes down with a drink. i feel distressed or i feel bored, in the end of the day, it ends similar way. i never bothered to put my finger on it, i just knew i loved it and hated it equally. loved it while i was doing it and hated it, well, sometimes midway through, sometimes the next few days. obviously i have never considered it a problem, because it hasn't grown into one. i get things done, done good, not half-arsed. once in a while i think of myself as a warrior, after days of destruction, i tell myself, i can do this, i will survive...if i get through this day, i'm a goddamn hero.
and stop.
i'll stop myself right there. why the fuck, i need to survive? or suffer even? i have all my life hated deeply the main principle of christianity, that life is a suffering. my flagship has always been love of wisdom. and yet again i do against my own word. wasn't i becoming a buddha?
well in a way better late bloomer than never stumble upon your own truth.
on friday i had one of those crossroad moments. i felt nervous and same time excited, as any other person would feel before a date. something inside of me forced me to step up and deal with it. after being offered a glass of wine multiple times, to get my cool back, i suddenly saw, what that is all about. its not getting anything back, its basically denying yourself, being someone else. being different. why would i want to be different, if someone goes out with me. i pulled myself together, refused and walked the road. the path was clearer than expected. somewhere in between i slipped, not because of need, more out of a habit. it took quite little time to understand, how wrong i have been all my life with blurring the reality. and with that, simply not living in present. i want to sense you, feel you, taste you, smell you, not have a faint memory of the night. i need to remember your expressions, tone of your voice, remember the details, not possess them as i thought they were.
the next day passed under the same moon and so did the following.
and now when weekend has passed, some of us doing it their way, some of us doing it the other way. i see myself in them, yet i am out of the pattern. tomorrow i will be young and beautiful, fresh prince of the first day of the rest of my life.
i won't become backwards, join a cult or build a box around me. absolutely not. i just figured i am by now old enough to take responsibility of my own feelings. some things are not meant to be run from.
see, i had a notion of this year being life changing. i am already impressed.
thank you universe, that was very nice of you.
i have noticed few things. i have been in pattern, i either feel utter shit or amazing, it goes down with a drink. i feel distressed or i feel bored, in the end of the day, it ends similar way. i never bothered to put my finger on it, i just knew i loved it and hated it equally. loved it while i was doing it and hated it, well, sometimes midway through, sometimes the next few days. obviously i have never considered it a problem, because it hasn't grown into one. i get things done, done good, not half-arsed. once in a while i think of myself as a warrior, after days of destruction, i tell myself, i can do this, i will survive...if i get through this day, i'm a goddamn hero.
and stop.
i'll stop myself right there. why the fuck, i need to survive? or suffer even? i have all my life hated deeply the main principle of christianity, that life is a suffering. my flagship has always been love of wisdom. and yet again i do against my own word. wasn't i becoming a buddha?
well in a way better late bloomer than never stumble upon your own truth.
on friday i had one of those crossroad moments. i felt nervous and same time excited, as any other person would feel before a date. something inside of me forced me to step up and deal with it. after being offered a glass of wine multiple times, to get my cool back, i suddenly saw, what that is all about. its not getting anything back, its basically denying yourself, being someone else. being different. why would i want to be different, if someone goes out with me. i pulled myself together, refused and walked the road. the path was clearer than expected. somewhere in between i slipped, not because of need, more out of a habit. it took quite little time to understand, how wrong i have been all my life with blurring the reality. and with that, simply not living in present. i want to sense you, feel you, taste you, smell you, not have a faint memory of the night. i need to remember your expressions, tone of your voice, remember the details, not possess them as i thought they were.
the next day passed under the same moon and so did the following.
and now when weekend has passed, some of us doing it their way, some of us doing it the other way. i see myself in them, yet i am out of the pattern. tomorrow i will be young and beautiful, fresh prince of the first day of the rest of my life.
i won't become backwards, join a cult or build a box around me. absolutely not. i just figured i am by now old enough to take responsibility of my own feelings. some things are not meant to be run from.
see, i had a notion of this year being life changing. i am already impressed.
thank you universe, that was very nice of you.
2.2.18
31.1.18
those winter nights
i figured, i'm going to do something i haven't really done in a long time and which i thoroughly enjoy. sit in my kitchen in the middle of the night, smoke a cigarette and talk about bunch of crap, that no one ever reads or cares about. what a bliss and i don't even know what number kitchen is this so far.
this time i won't be all whiny about shit that could have been or was or will come. i have made peace with this kind of stuff.
where to start. my frustration with life lead me to a new job, new apartment, new everything. the moving away from empty promises and illusions itself was quite hard, because even the blast from the past turned out different than i sort of imagined. so yes, new everything. some time in december i settled in the center of the city. end of the month flew all the way across the world to get my zen back. past and the present finally met and clashed nevertheless. obviously conflict was expected. for a split second i thought, 'is this what i want?' and moved on to the the realization, that no, i have gone elsewhere in my journey. i stubbornly wanted to believe, that past needed to be future.
i forced myself to be india, to become india, not just sit on the beach and sip cocktails. i read one book, then another, sneak peeked into buddhism, tipped my toe into conversations with god. attachment is the thing that has fucked my brain here and there nonstop. not being in the present moment, which is the only reality there is, has made me anxious. basically what would love do. love would move on. so i did. i decided not to feel those irrelevant feelings and emotions. what is, simply is. the second i got that through my brain, life seemed easier.
and surprisingly, not surprisingly, it wasn't even a week after i landed back to the crisp winter, when magically a door opened. door to a different kind of world. i will not parade, i will not build air castles. i'm just having a tiny giggle inside, because finally something i like has crossed my path. actually like, because of similarities, not all the wrong reasons.
maybe that's why, i have no wrong reasons anymore. i feel right.
this time i won't be all whiny about shit that could have been or was or will come. i have made peace with this kind of stuff.
where to start. my frustration with life lead me to a new job, new apartment, new everything. the moving away from empty promises and illusions itself was quite hard, because even the blast from the past turned out different than i sort of imagined. so yes, new everything. some time in december i settled in the center of the city. end of the month flew all the way across the world to get my zen back. past and the present finally met and clashed nevertheless. obviously conflict was expected. for a split second i thought, 'is this what i want?' and moved on to the the realization, that no, i have gone elsewhere in my journey. i stubbornly wanted to believe, that past needed to be future.
i forced myself to be india, to become india, not just sit on the beach and sip cocktails. i read one book, then another, sneak peeked into buddhism, tipped my toe into conversations with god. attachment is the thing that has fucked my brain here and there nonstop. not being in the present moment, which is the only reality there is, has made me anxious. basically what would love do. love would move on. so i did. i decided not to feel those irrelevant feelings and emotions. what is, simply is. the second i got that through my brain, life seemed easier.
and surprisingly, not surprisingly, it wasn't even a week after i landed back to the crisp winter, when magically a door opened. door to a different kind of world. i will not parade, i will not build air castles. i'm just having a tiny giggle inside, because finally something i like has crossed my path. actually like, because of similarities, not all the wrong reasons.
maybe that's why, i have no wrong reasons anymore. i feel right.
30.10.17
ties
as funny as it is, you apparently cannot live a different life you're supposed to live. it takes just one big fucking painful exhausting circle, to find yourself back in the same point, where you started off. its something like being lost in the woods and not finding way out, meeting the same spots again and again, having this nagging feeling, hey, i have most certainly been here before.
so, that happened. it wasn't that much of a Mandela or dimensional. it was very much human behaviorism. in the nastiest way there is clearly, full off text book cliches. imagine investing your time, energy, all your resources, to make some shit work and yet it doesn't, because it's based on lies, secrets, neglect, oblivion. i mean, yes, it makes you feel like dumped in the bottom a basement, when you find out that you have been cheated on and lied; all of you, all your beautiful self, meant nothing in the end of the day. yet its liberating. you know your gut feeling was right and you're worth so much more. you are beautiful and you are amazing creature, because you did absolutely nothing wrong. you sacrificed and made compromises. your conscious is clean, you're pure as an infant. that's how you can move on back to the beginning of the circle, with no negative feelings, because you gave nothing away to the dark side, there is no need to recover, because all you did, was give and care. you were the one, who was never appreciated.
this could have been hit of my own karma, for all the things i did in the past. but all i know, that this probably was the last of it. i have done nothing immoral, not even questionable decisions for the past two years. i wonder what future has in store for you?
i wish no harm, even questionable hateful thoughts aren't my thing anymore. i have grown to the person i wanted to be, i make my choices based solidly on what i believe in. and i sincerely do believe in happy ends and things will be, what they're meant to be.
the only thing i have lied about is, how i feel. then again, everybody has the right to have that place in them, to sometimes take out in lonely nights and admire it. what is yours, only yours.
i will never forget the summer eve, when sun was in the glitters. the moment that was forever. when you recognize all you have ever wanted.
and you know what, i don't need to. everything just takes off, where it was left behind. maybe this time only wiser and more grateful.
so, that happened. it wasn't that much of a Mandela or dimensional. it was very much human behaviorism. in the nastiest way there is clearly, full off text book cliches. imagine investing your time, energy, all your resources, to make some shit work and yet it doesn't, because it's based on lies, secrets, neglect, oblivion. i mean, yes, it makes you feel like dumped in the bottom a basement, when you find out that you have been cheated on and lied; all of you, all your beautiful self, meant nothing in the end of the day. yet its liberating. you know your gut feeling was right and you're worth so much more. you are beautiful and you are amazing creature, because you did absolutely nothing wrong. you sacrificed and made compromises. your conscious is clean, you're pure as an infant. that's how you can move on back to the beginning of the circle, with no negative feelings, because you gave nothing away to the dark side, there is no need to recover, because all you did, was give and care. you were the one, who was never appreciated.
this could have been hit of my own karma, for all the things i did in the past. but all i know, that this probably was the last of it. i have done nothing immoral, not even questionable decisions for the past two years. i wonder what future has in store for you?
i wish no harm, even questionable hateful thoughts aren't my thing anymore. i have grown to the person i wanted to be, i make my choices based solidly on what i believe in. and i sincerely do believe in happy ends and things will be, what they're meant to be.
the only thing i have lied about is, how i feel. then again, everybody has the right to have that place in them, to sometimes take out in lonely nights and admire it. what is yours, only yours.
i will never forget the summer eve, when sun was in the glitters. the moment that was forever. when you recognize all you have ever wanted.
and you know what, i don't need to. everything just takes off, where it was left behind. maybe this time only wiser and more grateful.
1.10.17
28.7.17
mandela friday
last night i had millions of thoughts i wanted to write down. now they seem trivial. not sure, if even real. the point was something as typical and existential as it usually is. some crap about universe shifting last year spring and how it changed my life from one dimension to an other. well, it really did and i stick to that. did it change to desired direction..maybe. we are not the ones to judge. but it eats me inside. every day and still, was it a choice? i mean considering we live in a simulation, do we even have a choice or are we simply played.
that's not what i wanted to write about at all.
i sort of meant, i have become really really numb. comfortably numb. i don't literally have any dreams or motivation or ambition. and yet i'm not depressed or down. i'm just aimless. in a way life has never been better. i live in this idyllic neighborhood, where grandmas come patting your dog, yes there is a dog, strangers smiling while passing. probably you can even leave your car unlocked and windows open, when you leave. that cliche suburb shit. also i have reached from a child through a struggle to growth to struggle again to conveniently semi child again. meaning i have exactly zero bills on me. i have not a single fucking worry in my life financially.
why, then why, am i comfortably numb. what ruined me? was it the dimension shifting, is it because it was so obvious and glittery and sparkling like predator tearing an unicorn into pieces. visually painful and unforgettable. some part of me never lets go the dimension i was supposed to live in. or any part, what so ever.
or was it few months later, when i had the most revealing and naked journey of my existence. every memory, every picture was torn. dissembled. misplaced. its too long and too personal to try to verbalize it. paint a picture, name it creation of everything. virtually, everything.
but as we know, as you question everything, it becomes nothing. or something. which is which.
basically i have had inner battle of this for some time now. it quite differs from all the conflicts i've had earlier. fundamentally speaking, i stick to the time irrelevance theory and parallel universes and infinity. but. concept of me, it changed. i'm no more center, i'm...i don't know anymore. just a digital code perhaps.
i don't know are living the lives that we are supposed to. if we aren't, what was our actual destination. there is so much talk about mandela effect lately. so i can't be clearly only one thinking this. obviously not. the most common examples, even i remember.
well, nothing we can ever do about it. just the stupid feeling, that i want my life back. this one is different and uncomfortable, i don't know who i am anymore. time will make adjustments. just, i miss me sometimes.
that's not what i wanted to write about at all.
i sort of meant, i have become really really numb. comfortably numb. i don't literally have any dreams or motivation or ambition. and yet i'm not depressed or down. i'm just aimless. in a way life has never been better. i live in this idyllic neighborhood, where grandmas come patting your dog, yes there is a dog, strangers smiling while passing. probably you can even leave your car unlocked and windows open, when you leave. that cliche suburb shit. also i have reached from a child through a struggle to growth to struggle again to conveniently semi child again. meaning i have exactly zero bills on me. i have not a single fucking worry in my life financially.
why, then why, am i comfortably numb. what ruined me? was it the dimension shifting, is it because it was so obvious and glittery and sparkling like predator tearing an unicorn into pieces. visually painful and unforgettable. some part of me never lets go the dimension i was supposed to live in. or any part, what so ever.
or was it few months later, when i had the most revealing and naked journey of my existence. every memory, every picture was torn. dissembled. misplaced. its too long and too personal to try to verbalize it. paint a picture, name it creation of everything. virtually, everything.
but as we know, as you question everything, it becomes nothing. or something. which is which.
basically i have had inner battle of this for some time now. it quite differs from all the conflicts i've had earlier. fundamentally speaking, i stick to the time irrelevance theory and parallel universes and infinity. but. concept of me, it changed. i'm no more center, i'm...i don't know anymore. just a digital code perhaps.
i don't know are living the lives that we are supposed to. if we aren't, what was our actual destination. there is so much talk about mandela effect lately. so i can't be clearly only one thinking this. obviously not. the most common examples, even i remember.
well, nothing we can ever do about it. just the stupid feeling, that i want my life back. this one is different and uncomfortable, i don't know who i am anymore. time will make adjustments. just, i miss me sometimes.
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