those winter nights

i figured, i'm going to do something i haven't really done in a long time and which i thoroughly enjoy. sit in my kitchen in the middle of the night, smoke a cigarette and talk about bunch of crap, that no one ever reads or cares about. what a bliss and i don't even know what number kitchen is this so far.
this time i won't be all whiny about shit that could have been or was or will come. i have made peace with this kind of stuff.
where to start. my frustration with life lead me to a new job, new apartment, new everything. the moving away from empty promises and illusions itself was quite hard, because even the blast from the past turned out different than i sort of imagined. so yes, new everything. some time in december i settled in the center of the city. end of the month flew all the way across the world to get my zen back. past and the present finally met and clashed nevertheless. obviously conflict was expected. for a split second i thought, 'is this what i want?' and moved on to the the realization, that no, i have gone elsewhere in my journey. i stubbornly wanted to believe, that past needed to be future.
 i forced myself to be india, to become india, not just sit on the beach and sip cocktails. i read one book, then another, sneak peeked into buddhism, tipped my toe into conversations with god. attachment is the thing that has fucked my brain here and there nonstop. not being in the present moment, which is the only reality there is, has made me anxious. basically what would love do. love would move on. so i did. i decided not to feel those irrelevant feelings and emotions. what is, simply is. the second i got that through my brain, life seemed easier.
and surprisingly, not surprisingly, it wasn't even a week after i landed back to the crisp winter, when magically a door opened. door to a different kind of world. i will not parade, i will not build air castles. i'm just having a tiny giggle inside, because finally something i like has crossed my path. actually like, because of similarities, not all the wrong reasons.
maybe that's why, i have no wrong reasons anymore. i feel right.