...the thoughts i had in august, have slowly, but steadily grown. instead of being part of it, i disconnected myself completely. i crawled into my safe place and hibernated the fall away. and it has given me a good time and perspective to come to several conclusions. all the negative traits i saw in people around me, have gone deeper. except now i am a bystander. meaning that nothing affects me the way it used to. all that ticked me off, makes me slightly grin now. because i see, how disturbed everybody is. by everybody, i mean the people i have met, not clearly the entire country.
or is it the entire country? is it the darkness and cold, that has sucked actual life out of people.
its really hard to hear any nice words from anybody or if, it always has a level of sarcasm in it. rarely you accidentally do encounter a genuine soul - they are not originally from here.
seems like it gives some sort of pleasure to bring you down, softly and slowly killing your soul, your uniqueness. making it all one emotionless cold mass.
three and half years ago it suited me, to live a life in fake nice, but by now i am graving an actual human contact.
this is why i stopped trying and i stopped giving, nobody is ever grateful for what they have. neither they see personality. they make these tacky boxes out of you and this is where you stay from day one they laid eyes on you. you as you actually are, simply does not exist.
i truly have grown in my solitary and reclaiming me.
while i struggled to see next step in my journey, i knew it will reveal itself, when time is right and i'm ready.
so it did.
the moment you stop looking for love or living in what ifs and near future, you start nourishing yourself. and in the end of the day start having affair with yourself.
now anyone could say, as finland does, it is not the country to blame, its internal fight, i still think otherwise. i have reached the limit here, i cannot go further.
the next era will be london. london calling.
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