godspeed

for months i have nothing to say and suddenly i have a lot.
i have noticed few things. i have been in pattern, i either feel utter shit or amazing, it goes down with a drink. i feel distressed or i feel bored, in the end of the day, it ends similar way. i never bothered to put my finger on it, i just knew i loved it and hated it equally. loved it while i was doing it and hated it, well, sometimes midway through, sometimes the next few days. obviously i have never considered it a problem, because it hasn't grown into one. i get things done, done good, not half-arsed. once in a while i think of myself as a warrior, after days of destruction, i tell myself, i can do this, i will survive...if i get through this day, i'm a goddamn hero.
 and stop.
i'll stop myself right there. why the fuck, i need to survive? or suffer even? i have all my life hated deeply the main principle of christianity, that life is a suffering. my flagship has always been love of wisdom. and yet again i do against my own word.  wasn't i becoming a buddha?
well in a way better late bloomer than never stumble upon your own truth.
on friday i had one of those crossroad moments. i felt nervous and same time excited, as any other person would feel before a date. something inside of me forced me to step up and deal with it. after being offered a glass of wine multiple times, to get my cool back, i suddenly saw, what that is all about. its not getting anything back, its basically denying yourself, being someone else. being different. why would i want to be different, if someone goes out with me. i pulled myself together, refused and walked the road. the path was clearer than expected. somewhere in between i slipped, not because of need, more out of a habit. it took quite little time to understand, how wrong i have been all my life with blurring the reality. and with that, simply not living in present. i want to sense you, feel you, taste you, smell you, not have a faint memory of  the night. i need to remember your expressions, tone of your voice, remember the details, not possess them as i thought they were.
the next day passed under the same moon and so did the following.
and now when weekend has passed, some of us doing it their way, some of us doing it the other way. i see myself in them, yet i am out of the pattern. tomorrow i will be young and beautiful, fresh prince of the first day of the rest of my life.
i won't become backwards, join a cult or build a box around me. absolutely not. i just figured i am by now old enough to take responsibility of my own feelings. some things are not meant to be run from.
see, i had a notion of this year being life changing. i am already impressed.
thank you universe, that was very nice of you.