the year of the yellow dog has begun. i thought i was on the right path, but once again, mistakes were made. quite brutally.
i don't know is there a point to go in details. i'm just sick and tired of cleaning up mess. cleaning the kitchen morning after with a gag reflex. yelling at neighbors, even though clearly we were in wrong. looking at the bank account, that was fine before. hearing confessions, that should have happened years ago. almost loosing everything, that actually matters right now and right here. fighting negative thoughts, that come along. envy all the lives, that are together. this could be me, this could be my life. and if this isn't enough, lets take my mind into pieces, shatter it around and try to glue it back together. in conclusion, there is nothing new, there is nothing to rediscover, everything has been and it disgusts me. i lost my father to this for fuck sake. literally and almost 20 years of our lives.
if my last post wasn't wake up call, then this sure is. i am officially done. i'm done sugarcoating shit. i'm done pretending that destruction is fun. i wanted to become more spiritual, well, there is no spirit in destroying growth. all this is evil and wants us to withdraw from life. so no, i refuse.
i guess what i'm saying here, i thought mediocre is answer, but it isn't. there will always be peer pressure. maybe i am the peer pressure. someone has to be stone cold.
also its almost funny. for two weeks you have walked the line, being proud of yourself, getting your thoughts under control, seeing opportunities, to just fuck it up in a split of a second. that's how screwed up this all is.
but on the positive note, i have been happy for some time. hope has returned, colors are beautiful, existing is not a burden.  love is all there is. and its not a delusion, because this i haven't blurred. i have kept the image pure and i shall water it, watch it grow into a magnificent flower.