mandela friday

last night i had millions of thoughts i wanted to write down. now they seem trivial. not sure, if even real. the point was something as typical and existential as it usually is. some crap about universe shifting last year spring and how it changed my life from one dimension to an other. well, it really did and i stick to that. did it change to desired direction..maybe. we are not the ones to judge. but it eats me inside. every day and still, was it a choice? i mean considering we live in a simulation, do we even have a choice or are we simply played.

that's not what i wanted to write about at all.
i sort of meant, i have become really really numb. comfortably numb. i don't literally have any dreams or motivation or ambition. and yet i'm not depressed or down. i'm just aimless. in a way life has never been better. i live in this idyllic neighborhood, where grandmas come patting your dog, yes there is a dog, strangers smiling while passing. probably you can even leave your car unlocked and windows open, when you leave. that cliche suburb shit. also i have reached from a child through a struggle to growth to struggle again to conveniently semi child again. meaning i have exactly zero bills on me. i have not a single fucking worry in my life financially.

why, then why, am i comfortably numb. what ruined me? was it the dimension shifting, is it because it was so obvious and glittery and sparkling like predator tearing an unicorn into pieces. visually painful and unforgettable. some part of me never lets go the dimension i was supposed to live in. or any part, what so ever.

or was it few months later, when i had the most revealing and naked journey of my existence. every memory, every picture was torn. dissembled. misplaced. its too long and too personal to try to verbalize it. paint a picture, name it creation of everything. virtually, everything.
but as we know, as you question everything, it becomes nothing. or something. which is which.

basically i have had inner battle of this for some time now. it quite differs from all the conflicts i've had earlier. fundamentally speaking, i stick to the time irrelevance theory and parallel universes and infinity. but. concept of me, it changed. i'm no more center, i'm...i don't know anymore. just a digital code perhaps.

i don't know are living the lives that we are supposed to. if we aren't, what was our actual destination. there is so much talk about mandela effect lately. so i can't be clearly only one thinking this. obviously not. the most common examples, even i remember.

well, nothing we can ever do about it. just the stupid feeling, that i want my life back. this one is different and uncomfortable, i don't know who i am anymore. time will make adjustments. just, i miss me sometimes.