happiness

Cup of coffee is the first thing that reminds me happiness. I made one just now. There is something soothing about the smell of coffee in the morning. For the rest of the rushing world it  marks the beginning of the day, the wake up call. For me, the opposite - I have hours for myself and my thoughts.

It takes me back to my childhood, its aroma leads me to those mornings, when sunbeams sneaked through the curtains and there is not a worry in the world. I can’t wait to run to the kitchen and sit down with my parents to have breakfast. I loved Saturday mornings, whatever happened during the week, nothing changed these small things. Like pancakes on Sundays. To be fair it was never just pancakes, Sunday was the day of baking. I didn’t particularly like cakes then, but never the less I enjoyed baking with my dad. I loved how he experimented with recipes and had this small smile under his moustache, when he nailed it. As if he was glowing with pride but he was too shy to own it. There were so many times, when I was so proud of him, I never said it, as he never did, but I know now, I should have. The things that were unsaid then, are still lingering in the air and want to come out. 

On weekends we often went to countryside with my aunt and cousins. My cousin was my best friend even though we have five year age gap. Our summerhouse was amazing for couple of kids with vivid imagination. I must specify, that it wasn’t exactly a cottage, the house was cut off from all the civilisation. The nearest main road was roughly four kilometres and nearest shop definitely not walkable distance. It was old yellow farmhouse with barn and sheds in the middle of a deep forest.  The house belonged to my great uncle, my mom and aunts used to already play there as kids, guess that place had been around for generations and had tons of great memories within its walls. 

We ran through the forest and fields, we climbed trees, we built forts. We were ninjas, we had army of soldiers. We were Indians, we were cowboys. We nurtured baby birds and chased lizards. We had campfires and picked hazelnuts in autumn. 

I was afraid to go to outhouse in the dark, because my cousin’s ghost stories. And the fact that he kept locking me in the thing constantly. But I wasn’t mad at him, everything was an adventure, when I finally got out, I spent hours looking for him - the Great Escape had already turned into hide-and-seek. I looked up to him, like he was my own personal superhero, I had unconditional love. 

As I grew older I ended up less and less in that forest wonderland. Along with myself, my best friend had grown up and forgotten how to play as well. I sure hope he too remembers everything like it was yesterday. These are the memories kids should have growing up, being anything they ever imagined and run free. 

My summers at my grandparents were the opposite from the island. When my aunt was a strong believer of letting the children play, my grandfather demanded discipline and hard work. He thought that was the only way of getting ahead in life - waking up with the sun, doing your chores, lunch, back to chores, working until darkness comes. His generation had it rough and it sure was the only way to get by. This intro to summers at grandparents might have started off gloomy, but quite the contrary - it had its own beauty.

We had all the vegetables and fruits imaginable growing  in our climate zone right in our summerhouse. I loved casually picking a plum from a tree, sitting in a cherry tree and munching or sunbathing behind a raspberry bush. When granny was preparing lunch, she told me to bring stuff from garden. I pulled fresh potatoes and carrots form the soil, picked tomatoes and cucumbers for a salad. I can still taste it. I remember what are the flavours of vegetables, when they haven’t travelled thousands of kilometres to get to our supermarkets. I miss the realness of freshly squeezed apple juice and scent of those asymmetrical giant tomatoes. 

As my grandfather was rather convinced everybody needs to work, we had quite a few conflicts, when I was growing up. I had always been the hedonist and a dreamer. I wanted to be in that scenery, but I didn’t want to turn this bliss into a burden. My only way was to escape. Escape to the limitless void, that I filled with books, thousands of stories, mysteries, fantasies. I read sometimes three books a day, I could never get enough. I didn’t have any friends there, nor was I missing to have any. All I wanted to do, is lay on the grass, in the middle of the blackcurrants and gooseberries and hungrily consume stories. 

I started off with summers, yet all the favourite parts take place  in winter. I find it fascinating how beneath the frozen ground and glistening snow, is life ready to burst out. Everything is just constant cycle of waiting and growing. Nothing really dies, its very much alive and idling. I loved winters -  even the darkness. The calmness and silence assured me, everything will once bloom again. Winter is like guarantee, that next step is no doubt spring. I might have liked it even too much, perhaps I have been most of my life in the winter-phase waiting for spring to come. 

My favourite memory is a particular winter I stayed at my grandma’s a month or more. I usually didn’t spend more time than couple of weeks at my grandparents in winter time. It was before I started school and that year my dad was helping out my uncle cutting down some trees in the forest. They stayed out until dark and  I spend all these long days with my grandma, just the two of us. I don’t remember much, what we did, I guess I had to be only four or five that time, but I remember the feeling of warmth and coziness. 

I was sitting by the window, looking at snow. Barely anyone on the streets, just this eerie church next to our house and blizzard. Winters were different then. We got meters of snow piling up to our yard. It seemed like the snowing never ends. 

I was waiting for my dad and grandpa to come home, but just because I was scared that something bad would happen in the dark forest filled with snow.  I loved sitting in front of a fireplace wearing woollen socks and drinking hot chocolate. Listening to fire cracking in the oven, distant mellow music coming from kitchen, where grandma was humming to the tune. In those dark Estonian winters, time literally stopped. Now I find it hard to cope with, the shortness of daylight time, the countless months of cold, but then I couldn’t imagine anything more peaceful. It was the winter when I charged my battery. 

Winter had Christmases. The time of the year my dad went particularly crazy with baking. My early years I thought naively that making hundreds of gingerbread men and glazing them was for me - to make my holidays special. I am convinced that it was for him. I am convinced he did that because he missed being a child and the simplicity and beauty of life. That doesn’t change obviously anything, it was a magical time. 

Maybe it was for mom. We always got the tree and we were in a hurry to decorate it before mom gets back from work. He was sweet like that, everything had to be ready before she came - dinner on the stove and not a single dirty dish anywhere. Home was always spotless clean and freshly baked cookies waiting. I see now how much beauty was in details. And god, how much I am like my dad. 

One December he painted small footprints on my windowsill. The muddy prints went from the window to my slipper, where elves were bringing candy. I couldn’t believe my eyes in the morning, that I have been so blessed and I of all the kids in the world have proof that elves are real. I called my cousin, he came over immediately  to investigate and he too had to admit, elves are in fact real. Which clearly meant that Santa was real too. He was ten and I was five back then, he wanted to be all grown up already and he had told me past two years, that it is all made up and parents bring candy and gifts under the Christmas tree. I never believed him, not because I was naive, I  just loved believing in fairytales.  I’m glad this trick extended our childhood couple of more years. My dad didn’t reveal it was him for fifteen years. I was twenty something when finally casually  he broke the silence, with the same little smile on his face. He knew he did good. That time I really did say, it was the coolest thing you could do to a kid at Christmas. 

The older you get the more you realise that a lot of things wasn’t just for kids, it was for adults who had missed out most of it when they were young. I am about same age now, what my dad was, when I was a toddler and my first memories were made. I relate to this guy in his early thirties more than ever. He had so much energy, creativity and ideas what to do with a small child. From feeding duckies at the pond to teaching a three year old how to play chess. One thing is sure, I don’t remember ever watching tv - always out somewhere doing something. Autumn we were picking mushrooms, in spring cowslips. When the weather was bad, I was painting, learning animal names in Russian, memorising capitals of Europe, drawing penguins or making clay monsters. 

I remember pretending not to know how to read for a year, just because I liked that dad was reading books to me. One unfortunate moment I corrected him, what he had just read and got busted. Then I had to do my own reading, what I secretly did for a long time anyway already. Bet he knew though and liked reading children’s books out loud as much as I did. 

I did more as a child than I ever do in any given day now. I can go on for hours telling what made my growing up great. Truth to be told, it has been hours and two mugs of coffee later.

I feel I have lost connection with Earth. I haven’t felt it under my bare feet so long, I haven’t noticed the first snowflake in ages. I have missed out falling leaves and first timid snowdrop in March. I haven’t breathed in sea-breeze. I notice the rain, I notice the sun, but I haven’t paid much attention to seasons changing even. I simply miss it. 

I don’t particularly enjoy being cramped into a metal tube each and every morning breathing in someone else’s sweat. I don’t enjoy being hooked to magnetic fields and being monitored by every single device wherever I go. But this is the time we live in, this is our reality and we really were the last children without it. There is something spectacular about us, because it's only us whose one leg is in past and one in future.  Is that partly why we feel so disconnected?

Now I have started to value time and myself more. I value this very moment where I can reflect and appreciate, what I have and what I have achieved within. I see so clearly the gap between then and now. I have had amazing childhood and wonderful memories filled with joy and colours. It was a pity that it had to end perhaps sooner than expected. It was a pity that tragedies hit our families one by one and it has ripped us apart. We barely see each other, nor we talk or reach out. We don’t have any of that anymore - the summerhouse is gone, the smell of grandma’s cinnamon buns is gone, along with my grandpa and his grumpiness. I saw my cousin last time at the funeral. 

I haven’t mentioned my mom much, but it feels that this time it’s not about her. She hasn’t been controversial like my dad, she remains a saint in my eyes and nothing will ever shake that sacred place inside me. It is my dad who both build me and destroyed me and he deserves a passage of beautiful memories. To be honest it is only me, who saw that wonderful side of him. For others he was a son, a brother, a husband, a friend, an uncle - but only I have seen the dad. 

That brings me to the big question. The question, what do I want? I can’t sit here and mourn all the great things in life. I’m not dead and buried yet. I am very much alive and thriving. Even more now, because I have lived through and relived all the grim. I thought the past four years of my life, when I retreated and confined myself into solitary, were the years where I grieve and simply start over. Indeed I did that, but all that time, I only figured out how to deal with negative. I learned how to not sink and go on no matter what. I know how to survive. 

But I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t know how to trust this. How to go back to the twenty year gap in between and awake the child within.  After I lost my family I though I don’t deserve another one, that I am not worthy. I am meant to be alone and not be part of any Christmas Eve’s  ever again. Ever since I have always worked on holidays or traveled, because I don’t belong anywhere anymore. Even thinking about it makes me always cry. This isn’t right, I know. Everyone deserves a second chance, even the horrible one’s and I wasn’t even one of them. I was just a kid. 

I do know what I want. I know I want to do all these things again and I want to share them. I will never forget the quote from ‘Into the Wild’, that said ‘Happiness is only real when shared.’ I think that movie has been quite symbolic and resembles my life and I hold it very dearly. 

I want to spend time in the countryside and appreciate nature. I want to walk through a field of wheat and watch sun slowly sink in the nearby forest. I want to sit on a beach and listen to the waves coming to shore. I want to cook real food I picked from garden and host a dinner party to close friends. I want to watch campfire burn in the night. I want to watch stars and listen to crickets. I want to create colourful memories and bring that joy into someone else’s eyes. I want to bake cookies and wait someone home from work and simply make them smile, because I did something small and thoughtful for them. It doesn’t necessary mean kids, it doesn’t take more than two to have family. It doesn’t take more than  just one person to share happiness. But it is  also incredibly beautiful to see three or four generations together sharing the same moment and memory. 

Up until now I think I have been embarrassed to say out lout that I want a family. I don’t need to chase all the money in the world or become famous. I want to celebrate holidays with people I love, I want to be waited home. I want someone to worry again if I get home safely at nights. Maybe I hated admitting it, because it felt unfair. How could I have any of that, if mine are gone, how could I betray their memory? I admitted myself into solitary and learned to live in it, hating every moment. 

I want genuine connections and unconditional love, ability to trust and see behind people’s mistakes and flaws. Leave judgement behind and have deeper meaning in conversations. I want to be supportive and to be always there. I want to be authentic and natural. I want to plan future and travel unknown destinations. I want to be excited to get back to home. I want home.

That is not what I want, this is what I deserve, to love and be loved. And share the memories that are yet to come. 

time was approaching midnight, i was watching a movie, feeling rather grim. then suddenly a huge spider dropped from the ceiling and hanged by a thread right next to my head. first instinct was slight disgust, then i realized: wasn't that supposed to mean luck?
peculiar nevertheless, it came out of nowhere, stayed a moment, for me to gather my thoughts and left as silently as it appeared.
auspicious.

i think i win a lotto

oh boy, now i am seeing clearly, what all those hundreds of hours of tarot readings meant for past few months. its all coming together. i have reached to a point or place or time, i wouldn't be anywhere else, than i am now. all the damn country roads reached to a significant fork in the road. it indeed is now or never right under my nose.
the moment retrograde mellowed down around the full moon in Libra arrows started shooting in. as cards predicted, something so unbelievable will cross your way, you wouldn't even dare to dream of it. yet, i myself, have manifested it all. all the bullshit i had to live through was for this.
this week, i scored the most magnificent job. Even not England is scale, world is.
New home is more or less paper work signing stage.
if all this already exploded in with Uranus energy, what else is on the way?
i am fucking excited!

damn you Mercury

Roughly three weeks on the island. Summary so far is two job interviews, about twenty apartment viewings, approximately 100 phone calls and countless emails. For all this i must thank Mercury retrograde. 
I realized soon enough that communications not working properly is not London's fault. Tons of stuff not UK related is acting up. Transfers not received, hackers slacking, movies lagging, stalkers creeping. The usual, but much more exaggerated. If i wasn't continuously perverted about tarot readings on YouTube, i'd have maybe missed out all this energetic garbage and blamed wrong turns in life.
All the above sounds somewhat exhausting, but quite the contrary, all this running around made me extremely comfortable wandering around, dining alone, chatting up strangers. Guess what, now i can, i can fucking talk without adding 'sorry, i don't speak your moron language' in the beginning of every conversation. I can also pass time on tube reading a damn newspaper, even that was a luxury for past four years. Feels good to speak and read, let's be honest.
And people are nice, not fake nice as i became accustomed to previous years, they are actually not bitter, jealous and lurking for a chance to gain something from you. How strange, that I feel far more safe here, where i read about stabbings daily, than there where crime rate was nonexistent. I feel the general public is more achieving orientated than slacking'n'benefiting.
Some fun facts:
All the dogs in the parks are free and surprisingly not a single conflict ever. Why should there be, if your freedom is not oppressed. Since yesterday, i gathered my confidence and Milo became one of them.  Needless to say even dog likes the vibe here far more.
Did you know, if you're super lazy as I often am, you can order any type of alcohol you can think of with Uber to your door? And did you know its far more cheaper than ordering food in Helsinki from pub next door? And that's not all, the same service can bring you anything from macaroni to washing powder, lets not forget, even cigarettes. That's how much they don't care here about suppressing liberty.
Which brings me to the obvious, I don't understand, where that hog shit comes from, that Helsinki is 25% cheaper than London on living costs. Probably another sad attempt to convince the world, that Finland is good, Finland is great. Only thing really cheaper is transportation, but how could that be even in comparison if one is village and other is well, one of the biggest cities in the world.

Oh and Netflix is not geolocked.

yea, that's about it at the moment. I'm not exactly rushing in and storming out, I'm balancing and exploring.

https://www.16personalities.com/

don't remember the last time i did it, but still this...
https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

An Architect

aerodrome

Past few weeks have held countless battles, internal and external ones. not even knowing anymore which affects me more, the civil war size domestic situation or inner doubts. every day starts off with a different vibe, some mornings i'm full of fight, rise and shine, you got this. next one i'm down on the ground and can't breathe because of my own fear choking me. yesterday was one of those minus days. not even flight. to the point, i thought i might be losing my mind. almost typed in google search 'do i have a mental illness?' and watching mr. robot sure did not help that state. i was afraid of waking up to new dawn having the same basement eeriness.
and what do you know, nothing like that. i started off missing avril lavigne and spent hour or two watching the good old conspiracy theories. it has strange way of soothing my restless soul. like not all is what it seems and there are miles beyond the surface. which lead me to astrology, which lead me to tarot. which lead me to now fourth hour of predictions of the year 2019. and i must say, it is going to be a blast, divine blessing as they mentioned. the whole post sounds schizophrenic, i realize now, but little do i care, what anyone's humble opinion of my beliefs is. (avril is dead.)
2019 beginning prediction has matched with three different readings spot on. i am strongly convinced rest will follow. i'm not going to bother myself going into detail, because it doesn't mean shit for anyone else anyway.
But the general idea behind it all. i don't ever have to go through this slow death march again. this part will be and will remain buried. no shiny surface, no telling myself, that maybe it was quite alright - it wasn't. it was a shitshow. it was fake and it was shallow, there is no soul, there is no connection, its empty vessel, that tries to be filled with lies. am i bitter? absolutely not. i'm so relieved, that it was just a necessary part to go through before i actually start living my life again. winter, if you will. hibernation cave, where you shit and sleep and wait for the spring. to start melting  and growing again in full speed.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, i thought this was eternal state of being, this nothingness and numbness, need to please every fucking inbred moron around me. but no, this is not it.
it was a crappy airport to a connecting flight.
funny how metaphors can take years and in split second it feels like a fraction of time. 

location synchronized

environmental anxiety.
now that my own thoughts are clear, instead of being liberated, i am even more tip toeing on egg shells. it genuinely feels like a bad trip. all those unicorns and glitter, candy mountains and bright lights, pink fluffy clouds and ...bullshit katy perry video - is stripped down to a nightmare.
it tries to sink its claws into your flesh, whispering in your ear, that you're nothing, you will fail.
gaslighting. most definitely gaslighting.
i have exhausted my mind so long trying to do the right think in every situation. be better. be good.
it is a charade. i'm jokingly or not, not far from theory that maybe this, simply does not exist. your relationship has been a lie. you just see things, because your own mind plays tricks. all dimensions within the dimension have also been delusions.

paranoia talk aside and in all seriousness,
its easy to see the sugarcoated version of a place, if in truth it has absolutely nothing to offer and its as shallow as you can go. indeed very similar to hallucinogen trip - the length, the depth, the levels and eventually...the fall.
but that's all  it is. longer version of a bad trip. and as far as i know, all trips end and one point its time to return to reality and start living your life again. go back to work, have late night conversations, connect, detox, purify.

laws of attraction

...the thoughts i had in august, have slowly, but steadily grown. instead of being part of it, i disconnected myself completely. i crawled into my safe place and hibernated the fall away. and it has given me a good time and perspective to come to several conclusions. all the negative traits i saw in people around me, have gone deeper. except now i am a bystander.  meaning that nothing affects me the way it used to. all that ticked me off, makes me slightly grin now. because i see, how disturbed everybody is. by everybody, i mean the people i have met, not clearly the entire country.
or is it the entire country? is it the darkness and cold, that has sucked actual life out of people.
its really hard to hear any nice words from anybody or if, it always has a level of sarcasm in it. rarely you accidentally do encounter a genuine soul - they are not originally from here.
seems like it gives some sort of pleasure to bring you down, softly and slowly killing your soul, your uniqueness. making it all one emotionless cold mass.
three and half years ago it suited me, to live a life in fake nice, but by now i am graving an actual human contact.
this is why i stopped trying and i stopped giving, nobody is ever grateful for what they have. neither they see personality. they make these tacky boxes out of you and this is where you stay from day one they laid eyes on you. you as you actually are, simply does not exist.
i truly have grown in my solitary and reclaiming me.
while i struggled to see next step in my journey, i knew it will reveal itself, when time is right and i'm ready.
so it did.
the moment you stop looking for love or living in what ifs and near future, you start nourishing yourself. and in the end of the day start having affair with yourself. 
now anyone could say, as finland does, it is not the country to blame, its internal fight, i still think otherwise. i have reached the limit here, i cannot go further.
the next era will be london. london calling.

so it begins

this summer has been quite the journey. i didn't go far or really even do much, but the trip within has taken me to many unfamiliar places. i truly feel i have been on a long and strange route, to now arrive back, where i three odd years ago began. walking down the streets, the colors seem to be same like in the august days i arrived here, it just has the same vibe in the air. like i have been away for some time, but nothing has changed - its still the same place i fell in love with. i'm still the same, but wiser.
i'm guessing the road i was on, was simply wrong road. it was filled with anxiety and stress, bunch of people, that just didn't feel exactly right. places i didn't belong or did not want to be part of.
its not easy to explain, because every journey has its meaning. i encountered the true essence of neediness, clingy; betrayal, neglect, ghosting. i saw what actual pathological liar looks like. i realized its quite okay to cut people out of your life, because they don't deserve to be in it. i think i have even seen pure evil, even though that sight i really try to put behind me and wish i'd never seen someone so cruel. and well being rotten inside has had various shades, that all have lead to point: stay the fuck away from me.
and its alright. there is nothing better really than to see through impure intentions.
this summer has opened my eyes about many, if not all the people in my life. i met countless faces from past. some relationship have stayed  as pure as they were, some still go down the immoral decadence. just somehow now, i see every single one of them crystal clear.
i don't know if this even made much sense. guess, all i meant with this was, i am truly grateful for the ones that are genuinely good. and i do wish all the best for the ones, who are trying to live their lives through deceiving, lying and backstabbing - its your route, not mine.
i feel i'm standing in the same point, where stood this pink dread-headed dude with suitcase and backpack, full of hope and starry-eyed. i am in fact living the life she wanted, exactly it.
that's how you know, everything is alright, better than alright. its amazing, you are always exactly, where you have to be and there is no need to worry. ever.

exploited

when some areas in life are slowly taking its shape, then others blow up in your face. i've been furious, i've been shaking of anger, feeling empowered and degraded. so far that i have started to doubt, maybe i am a toxic person, a narcissist, a psychopath. or maybe its just how some people develop to be, if they are actually not compatible. we started off being something else, grew to be best friends and it has reached to the point, that we cannot co-exist in same room anymore. and its sucking life out. i have gone through a spectrum of feelings, to come to a conclusion, all sorts of human relations actually do have a expiration date. as they say some are here for a reason, some for season, some for a life time. i never in my life thought this particularly is a season, but part of growing up, is admitting, that some things are meant to be let go. or perhaps it was also a reason, nothing less, nothing more.
it feels strange to break up with a friend. or someone whom you thought of as a friend, its times harder to realize that you are not working out, than ending an actual relationship. it is fairly new for me.
and yet again its part of remembering who you are and who you are becoming, where you stand. another nuance of human experience.
i sure hope this too will bring me closer to what i truly need within. 

years&years

I reckon I'm in an interesting place in my life right now. All that has been before has prepared me somehow to this very period that is happening and that is ahead of me. Nothing spectacular is happening on the surface, but inside I have transformed, resurrected, gone through metamorphosis. Yes, again I have become restless, trying to slip back to old rhythms and patterns, but the calmness of You has put my race horses in slower pace. You have taught and me made me re-remember importance of patience. Everything coming too easy, is not worth it - everyone knows that. I have a list of reasons in my head, that have not been right, I had to learn them painfully slow, to know, really recognize, who I am as a person and where I am headed. You somehow brought me back to trusting, blindly believing that not everyone lets you down eventually. I got to to the point of having strong moral code, 'who are you, when no one is watching?' type of questions, on my own. But letting down defense, trusting and knowing patience is power, that is something I needed guidance with. And I'm grateful, scared, but letting go of control and jumping in head first.
I am not trying to fill  any emptiness or patch holes in my soul, I have actually arrived to the wholeness to grow together.

lähtisitkö

from having only questions and no answers, in speed of light to....now you know. from having a permanent constant heart attack to complete utter peace.

there it is. life is a joke now, isn't it.

My Kind Of

from storms on international seas i slowly drifted back to my mellow motionless harbor. what once seemed boring and scary, became me. my days passed in the rhythm of learning how to love my work and embracing the silence around me.   i gave up the struggle of restraining myself, i gave up the need to have more really. i figured it is what it is and i can't do much about it. don't get me wrong. hope is something that never dies within me. it is as certain as sun will rise again each and every morning. hope for better tomorrow is the core essence of me. just nothingness suited me at the time being.

i went back to music, countless hours of movies, longest walks i have ever taken with my dog. i taught myself peace.

but what happened next, is what always happens, when you least expect it. you make truce with world, but universe still gives, what you deep down asked. delay is inevitable, its ironic, its brutal, its even ridiculous. it hits you in the face, shakes you off of your roots, shatters you, thrills you, leaves you trembling and naked and yet asking for more.

that's what happened. no answers, only question marks, going crazy, running up that hill. but that is what you begged for. remember the vivid vision years ago. maybe, just maybe, it can become real.

another thing i wondered about. how often we say 'i'm too old for this shit'. that is what i thought was true, but it actually isn't. i'm not sure if our mind or body actually ages as we assume it does. people keep saying i look ten years younger than i am. why is that? partly because i personally have never given much fuck of maintaining. meaning i haven't been to gym since i had it next to my dormitory and for free, which makes now 10-11 years ago. i haven't really stayed away from particular things, either food, alcohol, tobacco, substances. i haven't really thought, that one day it will revenge me.  or god forbid, one day i will be old.
i have had periods of experimenting with extreme. as going vegan for a year, now trying out the dry spell 1,5 months. results with limiting are quite same as not building invisible cages.
i remembered this crisp january morning in 2006, when i took bottles to the store to get money for ferry ticket and cigarettes to hitch-hike to another city 330 kilometers away to meet this girl i had only briefly spoken on social media. it was minus 27 degrees and it took me 8 hours to get there. no guarantees that we would even like each other. i had no money, no place to sleep and yet i did it.
would i do it now? no.
that's exactly, when i would say, oh you know i'm too old for this kind of adventure.
i call bullshit.
the only thing that has truly changed, is once again attitude. twelve years ago i just didn't have the package of rejection, disappointment, experiences. so now here we are always thinking of pros and cons of every situation. i would go out tonight, it might be fun, but it also might be very average. it will most definitely cost money and probably i won't feel so superb tomorrow. so guess its not worth it. that's how mind works now, saying no to everything before giving it a chance. not because of being old and tired, just because of comparing every single aspect to past. yet that's all it is, just past experiences, that will never be again.

...and suddenly i've been extremely down and low. nothing feels right, everything is stuck, i'm not going anywhere and i don't want to stay here either. the eternal arctic of emotions came way later than it was supposed to. all the birds are singing and shit is jolly, days are as long as 8 pm already. and i'm thinking, what if i wasn't anymore. my winter came in spring. well truth to be told, it is fucking snowy outside, but still.
and i don't have a valid reason to stress over, well.. everything. and also in the other hand, i'm numb. or in constant emotional roller-coaster of daydreaming of possibilities, tripping down the memory lane, beating myself down for wrong turns, basically...being completely lost and out of contact with true essence what i need to do.

and that was yesterday. just a rampage i drafted, because it was too whiny even for me. but there was some truth to it. the fact that everything is negative in my head, shows something. it shows that it comes all from within. surroundings have always been like that, work has always sucked on some level, relationships work or don't work out, that is also not new. everything is in its perfect loop of ups and downs. so question is, why i see it so dark suddenly, if its always exactly like this and there is no-matter-what silver lining and pot of gold in the end of the rainbow.
we discussed it with my roommate for hours to end up to the conclusion, we are spoiled and ungrateful. we have somehow gotten our expectations so high, that we can't accept every day grey anymore. its not even grey to be honest, we live a dream of billions of people, literally. we have all the necessities, comforts, opportunities and liberties some can never have. we can do whatever the fuck we want, actually.
along the way we just forgot how to have fun and enjoy simple things, be happy for what we have achieved and how long way we have come.
i feel i'm too hard on myself. the fact is i am exactly where i am supposed to be in this point of life. even though it might seem i'm standing still, i have evolved tremendously in every aspect. i don't really need to compare or write out points. its not a competition, we are not the same. i am here because my own journey brought me here and every next step is connected to the previous one i have chosen. so yes, why am i feeling negative about my own choices and my own place in my route. it doesn't really make sense, does it.

we decided that instead on concentrating on irrelevant, its time to make a mental note every single day, what was good, what was positive about the day. it is just question of angle. to see the grey or to see the colors.

my life is not eternal arctic. it is actually pretty good. i have absolutely nothing to complain about. as i am living a dream of billions, i should live perhaps mine too. which some point was obviously this. exactly this, to think of it. which means, be patient. Everything comes to you, in the right moment.

nutopia

we live in a very strange era. children have completely lost it. touch of reality. it.
instead of words, we use pictures to express our compressed feelings. instead of talking directly, we post our meltdowns online for thousands of strangers to see. also in forms of images. they don't care...isn't approval all you're looking for? from who then? numbers on accounts. digital codes. heart shaped, thumb shaped fucking algorithms.
 we live out our rage by deleting contacts on social media. we furiously block things one by one. i can't help but laugh, what you have to hide? your imaginary little world? another thousand pixels of same shit, different angle. everything is out there nevertheless.
i say we, but i mean them. there are things i and we would never do. we aren't programmed like that. we are not wired to expose our interior.
i remember when i first heard this...




...now its the Gen Z, that dictates the norm. no wonder i'm alienated. no wonder life itself seems bizarre.
no wonder i fucking don't care of this nonsense.

get it right

in the mellow flow of cleanse, i started to realize the toxins are not the only things that cloud my mind. instead of having huge piles of energy and motivation, i felt like something is holding me in its grip.
i honestly don't know exact moment, when something inside of me changed. but i knew that this weekend was last drop.
i have come to conclusion, that i have had too many relationships in my past, that i have just kept out of habit, fear, comfort, convenience -  you name it. all the wrong reasons.
and that made me think, what are right reasons to end something. like reasons far from someone cheating or beating you up.
i don't have a ranking, but first thing that pops to my mind is not listening. imagine enthusiastically telling a stupid story from your childhood, remembering great times of university, something that has been part of you and made you what you are this day. and then the other part just cuts you off to have all the attention on sale in garbage shop or not-so-funny-meme. i can't help than compare, that am i really this boring. clearly i don't mean cutting someone off, because a white tiger crossed the street, more like no light in eyes every single time i open my mouth.

jealousy. again, not the real one even, that someone is texting you, you act shady, you disappear and lie. that kind of jealousy, that you sit behind your laptop with a mug of coffee, choosing what movie to watch on sunday evening and the other half starts 'jokingly' ask whether you went out with someone because instead of sweatpants you had jeans on earlier. it seems funny, but defending yourself constantly without any reason just gets you eventually. 
which leads me to another point.

over-analyzing. facial expressions, tone of voice, what and where you're looking at, too long silences. this hit me like matrix does. i feel i have to be a robot puppet, not to give away my true essence. everything is interpreted into everything else it actually was. while i was reading random advertisement on the wall, i was actually staring at some average looking girl walking pass it. while i was staring in nothingness, thinking about what to eat while watching netflix, i was actually telling you with my face, that you're a stupid bitch. something like that.

also, my biggest favorites are always 'never' and 'always'.
this literally needs copy paste. link

“Always” and “Never” statements are popular delivery vehicles of FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. The intention is often to:

Put the recipient in a defensive posture. (Fear)

Make the recipient feel responsible for the problem. (Obligation)
Make the recipient feel sorry for the other person. (Guilt)

“Always” and “Never” statements can leave you feeling invalidated, unappreciated, disoriented and guilty, or have you scrambling to justify your own behavior.

it seriously puzzles me, how can anyone say those wonderful words in the first place, if 'knowing' me has been just a fraction of my whole history. two months give or take and suddenly i always do something or i never do something else. i didn't imagine myself calling this a deal breaker, but clearly psychologists are right here.

the worst of them all is sense of humor of course. you either have it or you don't. and that is literally connected to all the previous statements. if person thinks its actually funny to interrogate and turn everything into a joke, its nothing more than a sign of being juvenile and insecure. some qualities you definitely aren't looking in a equal partner. and don't anyone dare play the age card here. being a jerk is always a choice.

the feeling of being bored. honestly, i am never bored. i may be restless or anxious, but never really bored. since i was a child, i have never been uncomfortable with my own company. i have always something to read or watch or think. so how all of a sudden, this hits me. feeling of 'i would rather...than this'.  it is awful thing to say, i am aware, but more i get into this, the more i see. i dislike if someone is expecting me to be the circus and putting the weigh of deciding on me. if the results are not satisfactory, the blame is also on me. everything is on me. how liberating not to take any responsibility. and it is boring, having a one man show, if there was supposed to be two of us.

i have already had too many roles on me. i have to be a defendant, lawyer, judge, circus clown, motivational speaker, stand-up comedian,  actress - all this in a goddamn month. i am in fact overwhelmed. there should be passion, there should be romance, there should be cute cuddly stuff, day dreaming, instead i had all the above.

i feel like shit, of course. i want to cry a bit, throw up. make it go away. rewind time back to the point, where everything was still peachy. i want to move back to my day dream. reality sucks, i'm forever alone, i will die alone. pity party starts. then anger. how some of us made it and i never do?
then i'm thinking i am not lying right now. right now i'm honest, if i would have continued, i would have been lying, doing things for wrong reasons, right? just waiting for the negative personality traits to go away, disappear. but they never do, do they. or start changing myself that someone would like me for something i am not? in goddamn dreams. the people who are in love with the illusion, will most likely be comfortable staying in it. your wonderful self is invisible.
i do want someone to be puppies with, playmates for life, go on adventures, live through the dull everyday routine. i want to have arguments for right reasons.
but.
i don't know if i believe in it anymore.

counter

its been 33 days now. its not even anything to be proud of, for majority of people it is normal state of being. i feel quite same to be honest. i am aware my problem was not as severe, that i would feel tremendous difference. it was there of course, but it had no effect on my every day life anyway. i think. i don't know. maybe i'm still sugarcoating shit, trying to defend it.
so what i have noticed.
i sleep better. meaning i fall asleep faster and i sleep more deep. but i think i sleep more in general.
i have lost a little weight. i had huge sugar cravings two weeks ago, yet i still lose weight.
i also have strange sensation, that i feel all my muscles. like everything in me feels fit.
my skin went super bad. i see no other logic in it, than some weird detox.
i had waves of irritation, not knowing what to do with my life in general.  reactions and behaviors of people made me bat shit crazy.
especially disgusting are drunk people. stumbling across the city, yelling, thinking they're somehow amazing and superior. funny how easy it is to distance myself....and how hard is not get on the high horse meanwhile.
my asthma went worse, because instead of cutting back and quitting i started smoking more secretly. so that lead me to another fuck this moment. if last year i quit because of basically proving a point, that i can, not really wanting it. then now i really want it and i already know i can.  yesterday night i consciously smoked my last one.
i figured, besides the obvious, that i can't breathe, i can't really feel the full effects of quitting one poison, if i constantly put another one in. it has to be both. and one triggers anyway another, having one month in between was sort of good choice. 

last but not the least, money doesn't magically disappear anymore. bank account always looks at you the same way. even i'm still paying off debt to myself because of india, i haven't gone dead broke. which is nice.

...unforgettable

Of every beautiful lie that I've been told
Yours is the one I like the most
Yours is the one that I hold so close
Give up the ghost, give up the ghost, give up the ghost
It was just one night, it was just one night
Now I can't get you off of my mind
It was just one time, it was just one time
Even if you'll never be mine

the year of the yellow dog has begun. i thought i was on the right path, but once again, mistakes were made. quite brutally.
i don't know is there a point to go in details. i'm just sick and tired of cleaning up mess. cleaning the kitchen morning after with a gag reflex. yelling at neighbors, even though clearly we were in wrong. looking at the bank account, that was fine before. hearing confessions, that should have happened years ago. almost loosing everything, that actually matters right now and right here. fighting negative thoughts, that come along. envy all the lives, that are together. this could be me, this could be my life. and if this isn't enough, lets take my mind into pieces, shatter it around and try to glue it back together. in conclusion, there is nothing new, there is nothing to rediscover, everything has been and it disgusts me. i lost my father to this for fuck sake. literally and almost 20 years of our lives.
if my last post wasn't wake up call, then this sure is. i am officially done. i'm done sugarcoating shit. i'm done pretending that destruction is fun. i wanted to become more spiritual, well, there is no spirit in destroying growth. all this is evil and wants us to withdraw from life. so no, i refuse.
i guess what i'm saying here, i thought mediocre is answer, but it isn't. there will always be peer pressure. maybe i am the peer pressure. someone has to be stone cold.
also its almost funny. for two weeks you have walked the line, being proud of yourself, getting your thoughts under control, seeing opportunities, to just fuck it up in a split of a second. that's how screwed up this all is.
but on the positive note, i have been happy for some time. hope has returned, colors are beautiful, existing is not a burden.  love is all there is. and its not a delusion, because this i haven't blurred. i have kept the image pure and i shall water it, watch it grow into a magnificent flower.