and now i got it.  i understand the sensation of shifting. the last piece of puzzle fell in its place.
earlier i had the urge to share all that was  happening in my life to the ones left behind, i lost it. i have lost track even, when it stopped. all the strings attaching are either cut or changed. i show what i want to be shown on the display. i am part of this picture. i'm simply not there anymore, i'm here. i'm home.

as life gives those moments of serenity and purity, it also gives a glimpse to the most revolting kinds of traits human kind possesses. few days back i saw the true colors of one of the tar drops in the honey pot. i won't explain the actual act that happened, nor the emotions it made me go through. i'm just pointing out, that i can literally overcome anything - death, abuse, violence, abandonment, betrayal. nothing breaks my spirit, how hard any piece of trash tries. i should have of course trusted my gut feeling. if the stupidity overpowers common sense, it's not my war to fight. i have learned that ages ago, once again i proved myself right. on the other hand, was it supposed to happen, to notice that i have surrounded myself with pure angels, that will go through fire, to protect what's right. i have chosen the right people, i have put trust in right place and entrust them to take actions against the crime. not only crime against me, but all the others who have forced to be victims. i believe in the power of words and spreading the truth.

karma will come your way, you son of a bitch.
the moment you redneck white trash realize, that everybody knows, what you have done. you have no place to hide, you can never look in the eyes of the people we know. you're pathetic. you're a monster, worse than an animal. everybody is judging. some might take actions. but that's already out of my hands, i let them decide.
imagine, i used to be afraid of invisible enemies in the dark. the worst kind is always near, lurking behind you, pretending to be something else. wearing a mask of a friend. you're going to loose much more, than you ever imagined. was it worth it. were these meaningless minutes worth lifetime of shame. small minds don't do great deeds, do they? learn it the hard way then. scum.

some strange sensations have caught my attention. it started few days back, when i felt somehow neglected, not in general, but specifically. i was blaming the universe, the circumstances, on some levels myself. though to look back, it isn't my choice, thus none of my business really. so, when the gloom took over on one of those gorgeous summer nights, when sun never goes down, people started showing up on internet. saying things, that came out of nowhere seemingly. something altered. i sensed railroad tracks shifting and  changing the course of a train. fascinating really, split second later, i stopped caring the oblivious moment i lingered in.
the very next night everything already had rearranged its position. i knew the roads to nowhere again. unknown places were where they supposed to stand. smelling lilacs in the sunrise was the most natural, sitting on rooftop left no fear. a new day was in two hours, but that didn't affect me.
with no sleep at all, nor the time to actually deal with the destruction of the body, mind lead to theory of everything. this is not romance, this is growth. nothing needs to be anything.
i could step into the theory of existence, but at this point, its not relevant. another day, another dawn.

by the way.....i love you, but...FUCK YOU Linklater

All work and no play makes jack a dull boy

I remember the time, when we were kids. We had no option to stalk someone, we had no smartphones, we had no facebook. Hell, we blogged on paper if we bothered. All we had was maybe opinion of a friend and hitch-hiking to the unknown hoping for the best. Taking the bus on friday morning on a promise made week before. No tomorrow. No money and it didn't matter. We had no guarantee, yet we had no doubts either. We were young and arrogant, life hadn't fucked us in the face yet. If we lost, we went on. If we got lost, we found a way. It was all improvise not analyze. Untouchable and always moving.
What we have now. Staring at the screen, what to say, when to stay, observing every move, still thinking, if say anything at all, stare the screen, bite nails, occasional cigarette, already accepting the loss surely, staring at the screen, grass was greener....step up your game, be faster, stronger, better, sell your stock. Nobody is buying. The bids are too high. Seen it before, done it before, lets stop doing it overall. Lets not be, not exist.
I'm just saying i'm sick of...everything is out in the open, but everyone is withdrawn from life. I know where everyone was on saturday night, probably what they ate even and tip of the iceberg of two word feelings of good old facebook, but what the hell is the point of this. Does anyone get up their asses anymore to seize the day. Do impulsive shit.
Ah, whocarez...just a random evening at work....uneventful

day in and day out i've been thinking, what the hell am i doing here. i just picked a random place on the map, packed my shit and took off. for no obvious reason. made believe reasons, for sure. it's funny as hell actually. the life i used to live, it was full of doubts, suffering, questioning everything, feeling hate and regret and all that crap. now i feel nearly nothing at all. on a deeper level. it might sound wrong, to think of. i meant, i'm more like... free of everyday shit. it's like pretend life. which is hundreds times easier, than the life i assumed was living. because change is ridiculously simple. every single day i can just choose differently and it all starts again. thousands of possibilities of scenario. not even a second, i'm stuck anymore. i shook that bollocks off. every single thing besides history can be replaced. and history will always remain history. i don't even understand anymore, why everybody get so stuck with the idea of shit that's gone. the very moment you realize the minutes passing by, it's already done and technically soon to be forgotten.
more i isolate my mind, more i alienate myself, clearer it gets. reality is insignificant and so is everything else. question is, how you want to spend it.
i used to think something is always in the stock and most of the time is stand by for greater things... on the contrary, this is actually IT.
i don't know, what went down. did five movies a day brainwash me, not flushing my brains down the drain with booze every single day, monotony of the routine...did i just grow up and accepted the fate, which is not half that bad, if you let go of the strings....who the hell knows and what does that shit even matter. even idiocracy is irrelevant. guess...i dunno...punk's not dead all of a sudden.

so limit pushing. worked 8 days in a row, had a day off, rode 66 kilometers. haven't been drinking basically at all since i embarrassed the shit out of myself on my birthday. okay, couple of days altogether maybe.

 i don't feel any better or any worse. fit as fuck, with no effort. at least i have that. paid rent too early as usual, ain't broke even. guess it's all good. though it seems like i'm filling in the slots, but i'm doing it just to appear regular human being. i don't mean any of it. my mind is elsewhere day and night. every single second, i'm in the infinity. 

is infinity in my brain real, or is it creation. or a dream. if it wasn't, why it never lets me go anymore.

i've had weirdly crappy mood for two days in a row now. mainly because of being extremely exhausted physically. i've accepted every opportunity and hour of work to numb my mind. not to think. and push my limits.
if i had time to think, i would simply go crazy. i've been dwelling on the edge for a while now.
it is definitely not a bad kind of crazy. it's more like a beautiful collision. but this is not a sprint, this is a long run. between gaps and tiny spikes of joy, i must remain sharp and keep the third eye on the horizon. and that can be arranged just like pushing fifty kilometers on a tiny bike and that's literally for no reason. i have a reason. or aim. or answer. or vision. all of it.
i had exactly five different invites tonight to go out, one or two of them surely  booty calls. ironically those kinds of entertainments have been voluntarily off the menu since....since i decided so. five options, when all i wanted was a after work beer, yet none of this was good enough.
so after saying no to myself, i feel proud and fulfilled. i don't need this, if i already know, what i need.

which is weird, sest kaks päeva järjest on mul vastupidine tunne olnud. ma tean, et see oli tingitud liiga suurest kogusest alkoholist, aga see häirib, kuidas aju mängib trikke.
mu esimene mõte oli täna hommikul, kas lugeda või kirjutada. ironically, raamat on ka east of eden. seega, i guess, suurt wahet polnudki, kumb läks hetkel. muidugi, et yldse selline valik esile kerkis, näitab vist, et alkohol ja depressioon on werest lahkunud.
sünnipäew oli tegelikult awesome, sest maagilisel kombel ma tulin ikkagi just neile kõigile meelde, kellel ma kunagi meelest ei lähe. tähendagu see siis kesköist mixtape'i saksamaalt, varahommikust videokõne luunjast või raamatut, mida ma pean yheks kahest piiblist... või siis lihtsalt kohale ilmumist. loomulikult need supilontrused, kes on kuulsaks saanud oma ylelaskmistega, tegid seda jälle. and once again they got under my skin. teadsin juba siis, kui see juhtus, et ma ei peaks sellega kaasa minema. midagi oli selles isegi värksendavat, kui saad terve päew iniseda wennale, kui paha ikka köik on. sest seda luksust ma ei saa endale siin väga lubada. juba sellel lihtsal põhjusel, et päriselt on köik hästi. mul on töö, kus mind hinnatakse, vabandage, mul on neid koguni kolm-neli. mul on superb elukoht. ja mis siin salata, ma ei saa tegelikult juba ammu jonnida, et mul ei ole sotsiaalvõrgustikku. vastavalt igale tujule või igale zanrile, i have it covered already. niisiis aju, mis juhtus? nagu ka eelmine aasta, ei tulnud see, kes tulema pidi. tänavu isegi duubelesitluses. kui mõelda, siis neil on isegi piinlikult palju yhist joont.

makes me wonder, is it about people at all then. isn't? it maybe it's just the constant feeling of de javu, that attacks me, when i least expect it. the intense flow of smells, pictures, the feeling - i have been here before and everything happens in the same time and time is not linear. all that crap. all that crap once again. truth to be told, our lives are so insignificant and similar, why to even think it has a reason. everything indeed has already been told and already been seen. same songs have been played thousand of times before i got my hands on them. right. why bother to be bothered. so after ten tequila shots later, i should know, that shit happens as well as it doesn't. suck it up and put another song on, that makes you feel good and maybe, just maybe, lets you relive the hope of better tomorrow. guess the only thing, that actually stops me enjoying the actual moment i'm in, is constant need for something bigger, higher, further. i didn't read thousands and thousands of books throughout my life, to accept in late twenties, that it's all a lie. i mean, it has a beauty in it, if you let your mind go and dream. but somebody some point created dreams. i refuse to believe, that human mind is powerful enough, to just...lie. so here i dwell, i don't know. there was existentialism, there was critical realism. go figure.
okay, nevertheless, statistically i have been more negative than i have been positive. in my own tiny history. the actual times, things were bad, and bad is a mild word, what i have been through, i had more vision, how life should be, than i have now. sounds like crooked mirror. i cannot bitch about anything anymore, yet i bitch about the smallest details, like i'd seriously like to make morning coffee to someone. i miss buying cat food. i miss my turkish soap opera on sunday evenings.
and here i go again....loop.

tunnike enne enda vananemist, on õige hetk öelda, et ma olen tänulik kõige eest, mis elus juhtunud on. ja ma andestan kõigile nende noad seljas ja kahvlid teel. sest kõik, absoluutselt kõik on seotud ja mis pidi juhtuma, juhtub. eelkõike ma olen kuradi uhke. uhke enda üle. kui ma mõtlen tagasi aasta tagusele ajale, ma olin nii vihane ja kadunud. nüüd ma olen rohkem tervik, kui kunagi varem. kesiganes sellele positiivselt, või siis ka negatiivselt, kaasa aitasid, aitäh. elu on ilus. ma liigun edasi,  ma ei ole enam poriloik. palju õnne sünnipäevaks, kallis mina ^^

...and if nothing calms me down...i play myself "foxfire" soundtrack. post-it

aga, mis tunne on, kui mitte midagi ei ole. kui köigil, absoluutselt köigil, läheb midagi edasi. uued inimesed synnivad, uued mälestused tekivad.sinu enda sugulased, kes olid enne osa sinu elust, elavad aastakymneid oma elu....ja sin oled yxi. sul ei ole mitte kedagi enam siin maailmas. sinu liiin, mille yle sa olid uhke,on surnud. köik  on surnud. ja sa ise...pole kindel, kas sa elad, sest sinust ei vii midagi edasi.
isegi, kui sa tahaks, keegi, ei tahagi....
ja sa oledki yxi. mix sa viiicid. aga
kord kvartalis..tuleb uuesti usk ja tunne, et köik on uus ja  meil on lootust, köik mida uskusin, aastal 65, hea küll,  ehk 2005, on tösi.
vöi
ehk peaks leppima
et minust ei tulegi midagi edasi
ma olin algusest peale


see
mis saatus ette nägi



kurbus


ma ju ei pidanudki syndima. korda kuus.

ma olen nii väsinud teesklemax önneliku elu, mida ma kunagi ei saa, ja ma ei ole kunagi nii julge, et .....et ma loobux. ma olen siis igevesti önnetu, sest ...önne ma ei saa


mida kuradit ma pean tegema. ausalt.
ma ei ole ju määratud elama..aga mitte ka surema
...

mul ei ole midagi. köigi elu läheb edasi....ma olen alati siiin.

spring mornings

my brain does wonders. have to go to work at 8, which is rare nowadays. didn't sleep at all, feeling like million dollars for no apparent reason.
this reminds me those gorgeous mornings seven years ago, when i watched the sunrise, while the whole world was asleep. it doesn't make sense, but i do see patterns. patterns that feel thousand miles away from where i stand today.
 then there was hope, there was...well everything was ahead actually. before all the shit. before all the failures. back then i took time to look at the sunrise and stopped to listen birds singing. what have i become in between. did i really forget, what was i all about, what was everything all about?

...well wow. when u least expect it...or have semi gaven up.
mosby wins

...note to myself. Stop giving potential fucks tequila. they do pass out in a blink of an eye.


XD

I'm cluelessly dwelling between Ted and Barney

....after 13 years of waiting(!!!), I finally saw Юлия Волкова. FCK YISH! much love, many wowz ^^,

The retard diaries continues.

I think it's about time to make some conclusions of recent happenings. to go to the very beginning and the very start of the brain damage i have to start with the evening i was hanging out with peepz in the gen bar. it was the usual, stinking like shit cause of three days in the kitchen, tired as fuck and getting down the third (or maybe the fifth) salmiakki...or was it minttu by that time. anyway..i started bitching about flow festival. like it's sad as hell that we cant go. apparently finnish shots changed my mind and the tickets were bought. which is also a fun fact, cause all the tickets were actually sold out like a month before the festival. so we got the ghost tickets.

so the next morning, after three hours of sleep, we went to tallinn. and on the ship. and i already started losing it cause of the language. but it's not even that funny anymore XD so that's that.
so we arrived to helsinki and came to our friends place, who of course lived three minutes from the festival.
okay...and now the adventure time starts. as we have this tradition to always get our friends abroad estonian vodka, we cracked the bottle open like 3 o'clock. after getting politely tipsy, we went to the home bar. got along quite too well with everybody, including the shots. so in one point friend was pissed and went home, so it was festival time for the rest of us. i'm not gonna start how amazing was major lazer and how shit was the festival itself, cause it's not about that. after the concerts we walked to friends place, called her and realized the fun fact, that her number was switched off, we forgot to take the keys and in finland they lock the front doors after 8. we assumed, we're gonna get in somehow and magically didn't even get lost. or so we thought. the gate was closed, we climbed it and started yelling like motherfckerz. she lives on the 6th floor, that didn't help. we banged on windows of the first floor, which was a bit embarrassing cause it was like 1 or 2. one nice lady let us in, he did his finnish magic and we were there. ....and yet we weren't. we were in the wrong building.
the shit started again, climbing the fence, annoying neighbors by yelling. but once again, we got in and we got up and...i think i took us like 2-3 hours to actually get in the apartment.

day two. the most important one. got up, continued with the usual. the bar and the festival - this time with keys of course. our grand plan was to go on years and years as we already knew that all the random bands are shit. got there, got stroke by the lightning....literally. saw the most amazing person on earth. and that hit me so hard by just looking at her once. and i knew this one goddamn concert is going to change my whole life and everything i know. all the time and the reasons were in that one tiny second. the rest is....not for share, who was there, was there. i'll just get the funny episodes down.

after the concert, there wasn't only two of us, we got ourselves a crew to bash the center. obviously the gay bar. which was quite typical scenery. but man, i loved it. one not very pleasant looking lesbian lady accused me spiking  her drink. i tried to explain extremely nicely all the reasons why it wouldn't be a possibility, but she was screaming like she was nuts. so told her to go fck herself of course and pointed out the fact that we were hot as fck and she was a crocodile.

after the bar our roads took us separate ways. he went to friends place and we went to her place. only to discover that she had lost her stuff. meaning the phone, the keys. had a slight de javu moment going on. plus the force of alcohol was strong in us. tried to call the lock services, but apparently that's impossible. after at least ten fights over the phone and three hours of freezing on the streets, my friend saved our ass and agreed to let us in. obviously she was right not to let a stranger in, whom i've met on a festival while drunk as hell. but she didn't know what i already knew. so thank you for the trust.
side note. she actally got her stuff back two days later. so that's how finland rolls.

then there was sunday. we knew we had to leave, cause we had work on monday. but then again, i knew i couldn't leave, even if wanted. which i didn't. i knew i love this city and people in it. so we did the opposite that that a normal person would do. after three days of puking and vodka and hangovers we dragged ourselves out, cause i had to see her again. it might sound easy, but we were literally dying. and we didn't get to the festival, cause it was really sold out. so in the spare time we got to know the place by visiting all the bars in the area. and then she came. and we had tequila and the rest is history.

on monday we really did leave. and these two weeks were a struggle. i knew i had to come clear and stop the lies. all of them. every single one i ever had. anyway, that's a different story, which ended more time ago, i realized.

on last wednesday we finally met in the middle. hanged out with my friends and did the usual things people do -  like have  dinners and smoke in a hotel room, empty the  mini bar and hang out in strangers luxury apartment with vodka and have a late night date at mcdonalds, drink in parks and almost get into a fight with a muslim on a street. the usual tallinn at its best. 

but then arrived friday and we were supposed to leave. and once again it never happened. for me at least. i had a second break up over a text, this time it was my job. so the two scary things weren't actually that scary after all. 

we missed the first ship and then almost the second one, by running on the wrong one. the guys who work on the ship asked where are we going, which they never do. that one actually was going to stockholm. so it was one minute too late and we would have ended up in a wrong country. 

we arrived to helsinki, bit too tipsy we should have and decided to have a beer in front of her front door. this guy from upstairs came out to hang with a guitar and everything was hilarious. couple of more guys passed by and sat down with us. dudes were singing and it looked like a tiny festival. until i realized the two strangers had disappeared with my bag. not the bag, where i keep my actual stuff, but the other one with dirty clothes in it. had a panic attack and cried a little. didn't know that changing my life would mean being naked in finland. 

the next day, wearing all her stuff, i had my first alone day, cause she was at her parents. hanged out with the friend in our home bar, listening to the sounds. felt somewhat like spain. alone day turned into a alone night, cause she missed the last bus. i discovered i'm pretty good with this place, never get lost and always know where i am. plus i've never been that drunk in my life. after few panic attacks still and greatest hangover in  history i accepted my fate. 

the next day we went out all together. everybody except me got crazy fcked and once again i had to drag at least one home cause two was physically too much to handle. reminding the fact that they live here and i've been here all together like a week, that has been hell of a lot of getting the locals home. which is funny, seriously. then after accidentally splitting up i found my friends phone from the street. its weird as hell how things get lost and reappear in here. 

anyway had another alone night. sitting at her place, tripping some years and years and blogging. kallio is home. apparently. who knew. 

just to make clear, what's seriously up these days. 

Retard diaries

today's retard highlight was forgetting about existence of torrents. good job brain! like cutting off few fingers and ignoring every single person on earth wasn't simply good enough. 

i seriously hope i wont drive to narva on wednesday.